second day of

an irritating part about christmas is the day after christmas when all anyone can say is, "how was your christmas?"

it was long as hell and full of mimosas, myself myself myself, my voice being passed around a few living rooms somewhere in ohio, approximately three sad teardrops, approximately three hundred candy cane joe-joes, one frozen pizza, mariah carey, digging a car out with a spatula, the blue moon, disclosing personal information to strangers, and a mason jar of hot red rose tea at 4am.

and i don't think i want to talk about it anymore than that. but you're getting more information than most people. usually, i've just been saying, "nice" and "i'm glad it's over" and "isn't it unusual that 'have yourself a merry little christmas' has such happy lyrics, but is such a sad song?"

sabbatical

sorry i haven't been writing lately.

i've been hanging out in tatem's cabinet under the kitchen counter, eating teddy grahams, talking about super powers and snowmo sapiens, laughing about how i never have weather-appropriate shoes, turning everyone into a monkey, making prank phone calls, and picking our noses.

...so that's where i've been, in case you were wondering. i really needed the break. she wanted me to stay in the cabinet, but i said, "sorry, i'm going to eat my soup with the grown-ups."

and now i'm back.

'lil vent

dear full-of-yourself,

today i am mad because i waited too long to reject you and you beat me to the punch.

it felt humiliating to be gently let down, to listen to you break the news that you're "not that interested." it made my blood boil to know that you thought i would be disappointed or heartbroken.

i stared at you blankly as you delivered your bullshit speech. i'm guessing you thought i was trying to hold back tears. i wasn't. i was just thinking about how many self-centered assholes have given the exact same spiel and wondering, "is this shit written in a script somewhere and distributed to fuckwits the world over? where can i find a copy of this?"

you, sir, are ridiculous. you are ridiculous for assuming that everyone longs to have a romantic relationship with you when really i think you long to have a romantic relationship with you. you are ridiculous for thinking that you are the only one who thinks about the following: communism, hating your job, existential crises, and general discontent with early twentyshood. you aren't the only one who thinks about those things. carrying around books about revolution with bright red covers doesn't make you more brilliant than everybody else. you are ridiculous for thinking that logic is superior to human emotion.

...and i think you should seriously reconsider the length of your sideburns.

when we were talking about revolution, you said, "i think my skill is being an excellent public speaker. i can really mobilize the people. when i give a speech, it's impossible to disagree with me." not it's not! it's not! i disagree with you! loving the sound of your own voice doesn't make you an excellent public speaker!

you are just like everybody else. please hurry up and get over yourself already.

love,
not that into you

my point exactly.

phone conversation for which i chose to stay awake last night:

other: my life, my life! me me me and everything i know! *half an hour later* so what have you been up to?

me: do you ever feel like you are completely lost in the world? like you know who you are inside, but for some reason you can't project that...so you know that the people with whom you interact everyday don't really know you, they just know this false you and, no matter how hard you try, you can't bridge that disconnect between true you and false you...and it's so frustrating that it's all trapped in there...all the things you're passionate about and you love, your talents and potential...nobody even knows about them. like they are trapped and dying and there's nothing to look forward to and nobody really sees you or hears you. it's so isolating and lonely...you know?

other: uh, becca. i'm really struggling to stay awake. i actually have no idea what you've been saying for the last minute and a half. sorry.

me: oh. okay. um, good night.

other: night.

and now for something completely different...

ben took me sailing on lake washington last sunday. for some reason, he trusted me enough to steer. enough to steer under the bridge. we said we were sailing to china and a tiny part of me chose to believe it for a second, because we could, because nothing real was stopping us...only bills and work the next day and over-commitment.

anyway, there was potential and i felt ridiculously giddy just being outside of my comfort zone. ben somehow convinced me that i should do an apprenticeship. what? yeah, like learn to be an electrician or a sprinkler fitter or a locksmith. what?! me? ha! i'm a social worker and a chocolate factory tour guide. i know about people. i know about relating to people and helping people and analyzing people and listening to people and kissing people's asses. i'm still spending thousands of dollars on my 4-year liberal arts degree in anthropology.

well, i looked on the website at least. everything about these gigs sounds about 100% better than my life right now. more money. less debt. fewer rich bitchy women buying fancy chocolate.

new skillz.

treacherous, at best.

two winters ago, jodi, loyal, peter and i drove to des moines, iowa, through a blizzard, to see the red hot chili peppers. i remember that school was closed. when that happens at a college in minnesota, you can be sure that the weather is objectively bad.

i don't love the red hot chili peppers. i don't love iowa. i don't love driving through blizzards. i do rather like being alive, despite how much i complain about it.

so i can't remember why i decided to go. a free ticket, a chance for adventure. it was march 1, and that point of winter in minneapolis is a pretty desperate time. in retrospect, i wonder about my mental stability and ability to make rational decisions. cabin fever is for real.

we packed a survival kit. its contents were something like: a jade dragon, various spiritual writings, extra socks, and half a bottle of whiskey, a pink rock that said "lucky," a sodoku book, a copy of "forbes life," some gum, glowsticks, and a box of kleenex.

the highway was closed for most of the day. then it reopened for emergencies only. the radio said driving conditions were "treacherous, at best." well.



we lived. the concert was okay. we're lucky we lived. i give credit to the jade dragon.

wednesday morning i waited for the wrong bus. i don't know why. by the time i finally realized it was the wrong bus, i was nearly 30 minutes late for work. i waited in the pouring rain for the right bus and ate a doughnut while a homeless man told me about all the jobs from which he had been fired for tardiness.

saturday night, a recently married couple rented out the store for their reception. they knew about the space because they had been on my tour. luckily they gave me their leftover champagne. otherwise how would i have been able to deal with the toasts about love love and love and the glittered pine cone decorations. the party favors were little bird nest ornaments attached to clothes pins with the couple's names written on them. she gave me one. "you can cross out the names..."

i'm feeling similarly to how i did the day of the blizzard. my whole g.d. life is a minnesota winter right now. the conditions are all present for doing something equally spontaneous and foolish. i think i'd want to pack a slightly different survival kit though. only slightly.

m-my, but, uh, my stapler

when i was an intern at shelter back in the day, sj drew a big toothy mouth on a post-it note and wrote my name between the teeth. someone taped it to the stapler on my desk and there it remained for months, even when sj left, even when i left...now i'm not around there very often these days, but my stapler is still there and gives me some sense of belonging.

it's not there anymore. somebody worked really hard to peel all of those tape layers off the post-it note to free the stapler of my ownership. the becca-teeth are leaning against the security camera. next stop: garbage. i'm sure. i did just watch officespace. i know how these things work.

please, somebody prove me wrong!

not to write another entry that might make me sound like an angry feminist, but...well, hell, i'm an angry feminist.

crisis line highlight of the night!

me: hello?
man: hi. um. are you. is this for domestic violence?
me: yes we are a domestic violence help line.
man: i, um, er...need to take classesNOTCOURTMANDATED, but you know voluntary for, um you know...
me: ...what?
man: *ahem* not hitting or nothin' just, you know, a lot of yelling. a lot of verbal, you know.
me: mmm...let me give you some numbers to a some men's dv agencies.

*3 minutes later*

me: hello?
man: hi. it's mark again. um, they just keep telling me to call you.
me: i don't think that makes sense. we don't have any abuser treatment programs.
man: well. um. to be honest. i mean, do you know what i'm looking for?
me: it sounds like you are looking for a treatment program or support around being verbally abusive.
man: well i mean...i just yell and it's just how i was raised, but she thinks though that it's...so...well, to be honest, heh heh, i've had a few beers...what's that number again?
me: hm. well, i will give you the number again, but i think maybe it's a good idea to wait until you're sober to call these places. it might help.
man: ha. right.

*2 minutes later*

me: hello?
man: hahahahahaha. did i just call you? i can't seem to keep straight what numbers i've called hahaha.
me: maybe you should put a check mark beside them. maybe you shouldn't drink before you call these places.
man: hahaha, well right!

*5 minutes later*

me: hello?
man: um. sorry. do you have any numbers for alcohol support groups? i think that's what i really need.


what. a. fucker.

for the men who want to be in my club

when we started feminist book club, we thoroughly discussed what kind of space we wanted to create. after much consideration, we decided that 1) we wanted it to be an open, safe space for women who identify as feminists (or at least are open-minded and respectful of feminism) and 2) we would only allow individuals who identify as a woman to come.

since then, almost every male i know (which, granted, isn't many...) has protested membership requirement #2! as soon as we carved out a space where they weren't welcome, suddenly, "i care about women's issues! i should be allowed to participate in this discussion!" and "don't you think that's really close-minded and discriminatory of you to exclude men from the conversation? how are we supposed to learn?"

ha! how are you supposed to learn? i have some ideas. for starters, you could engage in conversation with me about sexism and gender roles instead of rolling your eyes whenever i bring it up. perhaps once in a while, you could even initiate these discussions (since you are so interested in getting a woman's perspective). you could go to the library, find a computer, and type the word "feminism" into the search engine. read some articles, read some books, read some history. every morning when you wake up and start your routine, try your best to think about how life might be different if you weren't a man. and if you really want to be in a feminist book club, start one! if you think women and men should get together and discuss sexism, you're absolutely right. i would love that. i would join. that would be fantastic! and if you want to start a men's only group to talk about feminism or masculinity or anything, really, go for it (i hear liz will bake you a cake with a penis on it). these groups are not mutually exclusive!

but listen: we are not obligated to educate you. it is not our job to chase you down and beat you over the head with feminist literature.

and we shouldn't have to defend or justify this reclamation of space. i know you're probably used to being able to go anywhere you want to go, but sorry, you can't come to my book club.

the kindness of strangers

1. out of thousands of people in the crowd tuesday night, i ran into bruce who loaned me a dollar so i could buy a cream cheese hotdog from the street vendor, which is the only thing that could have brought me true joy tuesday night. while people mobbed around us chanting "O-BAM-A!" the girl behind me in line was screaming, "no mustard! make sure you get mine with no mustard, i hate mustard!" to her boyfriend, who was in front of me line.
2. shana, who is especially concerned with zombies right now, just said, "the obama supporters move like zombies."
3. the man who gave us a ride up to the ferry invented a temperature-controlled shirt for racecar drivers to wear. guess you only really need one good idea...
4. clyde was going to make us carry lumber in exchange for a ride into town. his friend talked him out of it.
5. the bar was a collision of worlds. collision. of. too. many. worlds.
6. we slept in a room of beds. a huge bed for everyone. like a fairytale. brad snored. his snoring made it into my dreams about zombies. my friends were zombies. i had to kill them. the next morning brad made us the most delicious breakfast.
7. we were soaking wet. so many people passed us before one picked us up. we ducked into the only open place, in which the nicest, most motherly woman on the face of the entire planet was waiting with bowls of clam chowder for us. she called us her "almost snow bunnies."
8. we walked up and down the line of cars waiting for the ferry, but nobody was going to seattle. we made a sign that said "need ride to seattle" on the boat. no takers. we discussed what to do if zombies attacked the ferry. we decided it depended on whether they were walking or running and what kind of weapons we had. finally jason was going to seattle. jason smoked lots of camels and we listened to the firewater album twice. i haven't had to pee that bad in a long time. i was actually squirming. like a little worm.

femme fatale fireflies

seriously.

human beings are drama. but apparently so are lightning bugs. if only our asses glowed in such a way...

untitled

october is orange, anxious, and shifty. especially shifty.

i keep trying to zoom out, zoom out, zoom out, but for some reason i can't. i'm here, stuck in it. i'm not sure if this makes me fully present or fully trapped.

the other night i stopped by the pet store on my way home and spent $43 on accessories for my hermit crab. i remodeled her crabitat and installed a salt water pebble pond in the middle. then i bathed her, watched her eat a chunk of dehydrated apple, and encouraged her to move into the pink shell if she's going to switch anytime soon. she only cost $4, so at first it seemed ridiculous. but babies are the same way: free to make, expensive to maintain.

love makes us crazy.

cedar

danii's baby has emerged from the womb!! i have no idea how to feel at this point, no idea how to comprehend his dna being made of danii and tyler's, or how to wrap my head around my friends being parents...and tiny human beings, tiny, tiny little human beings with those tiny little fingers and fingernails and that little mouth...i haven't even see him and i already feel like crying just thinking about it. not sad nor happy tears...this overwhelming emotion of everything, of human existence and what it means to be new, and what's ahead and what's behind, and how everyone is suddenly a grown-up, how this new life is being carried around in swollen bellies going about their daily routines, how this baby is a scorpio, how milk comes out of breasts, and how the baby is a real human being.

the after party

all i can do is make lists in my brain. when i'm showering or waiting for the bus or packing chocolate spooky skulls or riding my bike. i think of all the things i need and want and wish i could do. and then when i finally have access to a pen, they're gone.

you know when you're talking to someone and completely lose a thought and the person with whom you're talking says, "well if it's important, you'll remember it eventually"? no. i disagree. i've lost a lot of important thoughts forever. such as said brain lists.

or maybe eventually just hasn't happened yet, and all these brilliant (really, they're brilliant) thoughts are hanging out together in some forgotten corner of my head and the day will come when i find out how to access that part of my mind...that day will sure be intense.

meanwhile, i've been living the seattle young adult social dream of going to shows, shows, and shows. by monday i'll have gone to three in one week, which is probably more than i've gone to total since i've moved here. and speaking of being hip...when i've gotten dressed lately i no longer find myself able to wear colors and skirts and layers. i wear dark clothes. and pants. no color. and i'm wearing what i want to wear. this disturbs me.

the next show i'm going to is yelle, french electropop, tektonic. here it is:



my housemates and i are determined to learn how to dance like this by the day of the concert. we practiced tonight in our living room. i think the reason we were unsuccessful may be that we don't have sneakers that pump. we need pumpable sneakers.

lastly, i found out that someone i respect and admire also accidentally set fire to her blankets in a candle incident recently. it gave me hope.

i'm so very sore, but i can't stop dancing.

autumn becca

i know i said that seattle only has two seasons, but there is crescendo to the peak of winter and a decrescendo down into summer solstice. or the other way around...i'm not sure. i think the first way is what i'm feeling more tonight.

so i'm somewhere on that upward slope now: increasing anxiety, increasing darkness, increasing layers of clothing, increasing desire to hibernate, increasing time spent inside my own head. and it's crazy in there. just crazy.

i enjoy that i have seasons of self like the climate. the same way that i wish my menstrual cycle coincided with the full moon.

somedays i think it'd feel better, if i tried harder

well. i almost burned our new house down. i lit some candles on my window sill. candles i have lit before in the same place. candles that were lit for an hour last night, behaving quite nicely while i was in the room (or is it lighted? i lighted some candles? hmm...). then i popped out of the room to use the bathroom and suddenly hear liz shouting, "becca you're room's on fire!!" great. awesome. of course it is.

the damage: a cardboard stenciled poster salvaged from camp nowhere gone, carried out of the house by shana, who knew this would happen someday...and the blinds on the middle window of my east-facing wall. burned. melted.

now i'm awake on the only day i have to sleep in because it's not overcast and drizzly for once and the sun is blaring through my naked window.

on my break yesterday i read an article in the newspaper about three girls dying in a house fire. then i read the article next to it about how they misspelled ralph nader's name "nadar" on the ballot in vancouver. oops. then i read the obituaries.

so. tired. sun is behind cloud. will try to sleep before work.

humor

the reason i have overdue library books is not because i forget. i know exactly when they are due. it's just that i check them out and don't finish them, can't finish them, or can't start them.

today: i knew i would be going by the library twice. i knew i wouldn't read the books. but still i said, "maybe i'll read those books tonight. i'm not taking them back yet." that's why i have library fines.

swing shift is the worst shift here at shelter. here's why: when you arrive in the afternoon, the house is dead. then everyone comes home and the house is alive. there are meetings, there is laughter, there is bacon, there's a kid's birthday party. there is that hyperactive kid whose birthday it's not who tries to blow out the other kid's candles, then runs over to attack a pile of balloons with his mom chasing after him shrieking, "no! no! he likes to eat balloons! son of a gun, don't eat the ballooooooons!" there's me politely poking a piece of cake around a plate with my fork, trying not to interfere with bad parenting (even though i don't know what the fuck good parenting is). there's me listening and still not knowing what to say for the millionth time, so scared and ashamed of being 23, thinking that the world would make more sense if i was crying my eyes out to a 54 year old woman and she was telling me, "it's okay, you're safe now. look at what you've done for yourself! it'll be okay..." instead of the other way around.

and then, sudden silence. everyone's in bed and the house is dead. i'm listening to a girl talk about her boyfriend over the phone, tying to be affirming and present while i mindlessly perform my ritual of taping the eraser to my old desk drawer...layers and layers so the drawer will stay closed. clearly no one has done this since i left. we got disconnected. i hope she'd okay. silence. silence. empty sadness lingering. there are always insomniacs awake, but the house is dead again. so i've seen death, life, and death, and it's still my shift.

and my library books will be due in an hour. eleven hours ago, i was at the grocery store. i saw someone i wanted to avoid in the checkout line and ducked into the frozen food aisle just in time. a narrow escape. for some reason it made me feel like meg ryan in a lame-ass movie. who knows why...it just felt like something she would do. only in her effort to avoid said person, she probably would have backed into a display of canned peas stacked up in a pyramid, and they would have flown everywhere and she would have tripped on one and fallen down and everyone in the store would be staring at her in silence, including the person she was trying to avoid, who was probably someone she'd be in love with by the end of the movie, who would weirdly find those dumb awkward stunts she always pulls endearing.

i asked this 3-year-old if he had any good jokes to tell me. i need a good joke. he said, broccoli banana sweat! i asked if that was a food. he said, no, it's a joke. then laughed. he really thought it was funny.

i wish i had a river

i have 77 days to finish my new year's resolutions.

resolutions i've accomplished thus far:

-learn to play the saw
-fix my bike
-ride my bike
-learn seattle geography
-find cheap happy hours
-become a little more hip (done by wearing fewer skirts, more skinny jeans)
-floss regularly
-join a book club (made book club--even better! double points!)

still need to do:

-learn to use sewing machine (in process...sewing bag for my saw)
-stop complaining (but is ridiculous expectation, as is so subjective/impossible!)
-go camping (definitely, and sadly, not happening)
-go to rainforest (sigh. again, not happening)
-make LED hula hoop (almost did this...then burned bridge)
-re-learn spanish, brush up on zulu, learn somali (ha! ambitious, becca)
-write more letters (maybe should go on first list. more than what? must not be so subjective with resolutions)

not bad, not bad. but as you can see, so much to be done. i'm trying to focus so hard on finishing 2008, but can't help but thinking of new ideas for 2009 resolutions...

i've been playing my staring game more lately. my staring game just involves...staring. i make eye contact with a stranger and maintain it until one of us looks away. whoever looks away first loses. this might be unfair, especially since the other player isn't aware of the rules. but sometimes i don't win. it's easiest to find another player at crosswalks when the light is red. my favorite, though, is when one party is on the bus and the other outside standing at the bus stop. whenever i play that way, i feel like they're really vulnerable and transparent, like i'm seeing something i'm not supposed to be seeing. and vice versa. so i usually get goosebumps and lose.

there are only two seasons in seattle.

joni mitchell is not helping me write this.

do you know what a scotcharoo is? i still haven't met anyone here who knows what a scotcharoo is. i feel sort of like i'm from outer space and sort of like i miss something about people who know what scotcharoos are and sort of like if i meet someone who knows what they are i might have to leave and go somewhere else.

there is some secret i'm hesitating to tell you. this isn't it: shana (with whom i formerly shared a wall) and i are saving up to buy a home planetarium projector. we'll lie on the floor and watch meteor showers when it starts getting dark at 4 o'clock.

ne me quitte pas

ahhh, 9:00 on a thursday...am full of wine and ancient cacao recipes. now that my humors are balanced, i shall drink more wine and listen to regina spektor in comfort of own home by self...

things i want to share today:

1. i got my first tour tip! i kicked ass today (or rather, my tour group kicked ass and for some reason found me brilliant and hilarious). afterwards, a woman came up to me and a) slipped me $5 and b) told me that she's a massage therapist and wants to give free massages to all theo employees. whaaaa?
2. i had my first, but definitely not last, spa experience yesterday. wowee. why haven't i done this before? a new level of self-care realized.
3. my coworker, liz, and i are starting a feminist book club. it felt hella good to meet about it, to feel fired up inside, to get little goosebumps at the idea of being intellectually stimulated and making a fuss about injustice again, like the good old days...
4. renai and i made delicious, delicious sweet and salty cookies and ate lots and lots of them while making sense of our lives.
5. there are so many people in my phone who i can't call.
6. the smell of seattle lately reminds me of something i haven't been able to grasp. maybe just because i have a cold. i'm determined to pinpoint what it is though...
7. i think it will be okay.

everyone's a my little pony

becca & liz + not on vacation + a rough week + hot pink hair dye= ???

does anyone know the punchline yet?

yesterday i crawled inside of a fireplace to clean it, in manner of cinderella.

i made an apron for the skeleton in our halloween display out of chocolate box pads and ribbon. everyone thought i was so clever. my biggest success so far.

otherwise, i haven't done much else right. am in middle of yet another poor-decision-making-induced existential crisis. have pushed luck too, too far. luck, who apparently dislikes being pushed about so, has left me alone. now standing by self in bad choice muck.

and have finally come down with cruel throat/cold sickness currently plaguing seattle.
and the warm weather went away on my day off.
just want hugs, tea, and undeserved sympathy.

good intentions

working a shelter shift.

another branch of our organization hosted an event tonight with a huge taco bar. they, nicely, offered to bring the leftovers to shelter for residents to eat.

first drama: i'm downstairs finding a toiletry for someone when three women fly downstairs. "becca! beccaaaa!!!! there's a man at the door! there's a man at the door!"

indeed, there is a man at the door. with a car trunk full of taco fixins. after unloading them, he smiles and leaves. now we face the problem of stuffing huge helpings of said fixins into two small-and-already-filled-to-capacity-and-shared-by-20-people-who-may-or-may-not-even-be-interested-in-eating-taco-leftovers refrigerators. no one was interested in helping me with this task.

i rearranged everything like i was playing the most annoying game of tetrus ever and was almost done when i realized that the tub of chicken, covered in one thin, failing layer of plastic wrap, was overflowing under the weight of the lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese. and dripping all over everything in the fridge, the floor, and my leg.

it's in there. to be eaten or to mold. but it was a nice thought.

guns n' chocolate

i can't believe zuma is going to be president. here, watch this video of zuma's theme song called "bring me my machine gun." i experienced this firsthand once in 2006. it felt exciting and strange and creepy all at once. he looked into my eyes and i didn't like it. he has so many wives.



in personal news, i'm really losing it. i think everyone in my house is going on vacation except me, and i'm insanely jealous. my vacation was a weeklong oxycodone high and bloody urine. now i'm working working working and still sinking into a quagmire of financial doom. i continue to be on the verge of burnout and there's nothing i can do about it.

or so i thought...last night i showered and sat down in the tub and closed my eyes and ears and just let the water run over and over and over me. it sounded like when it's pouring rain and you're inside a car. i sat there and thought, and everything was so clear. everything i need to do. knowing and doing such different things...

the other day i was trying to close the register, which is my biggest weakness at work right now, and this man waiting for a meeting to start kept pestering me (when i was clearly struggling with money-counting!). i was also especially irritable, as i've been on my period this week and every customer has seemed twice as demanding as usual.

"say, how do you stay so thin when you're around so much chocolate all day?"

to which i replied, in an unstable sort of way, "ha. huh. hahaha. hahuhahahahahahahHAHAHAhahahahaaaaaaahaha."

he muttered something and walked away. all i had in my belly was half a ghana bar, a mint confection, a lavendar jalepeno caramel, two pb&j confections, and 3/4 of a big daddy. shovel shovel shovel mmmmmgggggg. feeling like bloated cow rather than "so thin." but thank you, sir. ah, subjectivity.

of rats and women

sitting next to me at the library is a stack of ramona quimby books and a couple of judy blume classics waiting to be checked out, waiting to inspire me. on hold: books about the history of chocolate, the corruption of the chocolate industry, olmec culture, and kidney stones.

the removal of my stent was absolutely horrible and violating. when i got home, i took a pee and *plop* out came some 'lil kidney pebbles. of course being the disgusting person i am, i reached in and retrieved stones, washed them off, put them in a small jar, tried to make all my housemates touch them, and set them on my nightstand for the time being. now i have kidney stone fragments in a jar and dreadlocks in a bag. former parts of my body that i just can't throw away. and i'm not much of a packrat, i swear.

speaking of rats, it's been confirmed by various sightings that we are sharing our house with a nice family of them. things i don't like about rats: turds on the carpet, the thought of them trying to cuddle with me while i sleep, disease. otherwise, i'm not particularly offended by their presence. i romantically imagine mama and daddy rat tucking the little ones in at night and kissing them each on the forehead, then going out to gather whatever crumbs we've left lying around, which would have gone to waste otherwise...really movies like "am american tail" and "ferngully" ruined me for good. apparently i missed a lot of rat drama last night, wherein the fat black rat was actually caught in the trap, thought to be dead for a moment, then squirmed around and escaped. i hate the thought of snapping necks on anything. in fatu hiva thor heyerdahl wrote, "the tiny fruit rat, a clean and happy animal...ran about in the thin branches outside our window, stealing oranges. or, rather, preventing us from stealing them from him." my thoughts exactly. aside from the "tiny" and "clean" part.

remember that time i thought i was going to have to stop eating dairy? something worse has happened. i have to stop eating foods (as in "stop for the rest of my miserable life" stop) with high oxalate levels, including (but not limited to): spinach, rhubarb, tea, peanut butter, tofu, draft beer, strawberries, blueberries, and (aw, life, so cruel and ironic) chocolate. this is a completely unreasonable demand and may eventually lead to me finding another job and/or severe depression. on the plus side, i can eat dairy. come to me, delicious cheese!

i have a mild crush on a boy who works at the grocery store. we've talked at the register a few times and we always make small talk when he's stocking produce. and once i picked up a bunch of bananas that he dropped when his hands were to full and we made meaningful eye contact for a minute. sigh. also ran into my severe-but-ridiculous crush at farmer's market. i think i remember chuckling nervously and mumbling a lot, which is usually how our interactions go. there is no way he thinks i am brilliant and amazing or really probably cares for that matter. tragic. but geez. something about boys around veggies...

judgment

trying to decide whether or not a drunk adult skating party is a brilliant or terrible idea. last night i voted brilliant; felt like all middle school dreams finally realized. well, nearly all. this morning i change my vote, especially after peeking in the mirror at my matted down, aqua-netted hair, smeared hot pink lipstick, and smudged green eye shadow (indirectly related to skating...was 80's-themed party, duh) on my way to kitchen to rehydrate brain.

also terrible idea: eating dairy products thrice yesterday.

hmm...can't think of other bad choices at the moment. this is a good sign, no? off to have my stent removed! hoorah!

tale as old as time

this month my journal wins over blog. this is good, because it was getting lonely and dusty. also means i am in more introspective mood or have more secrets that cannot tell blog/blog audience (does blog audience exist?).

yesterday initiated break-up of unhealthy friendship and ended up (predictably) much more hurt than friend. appropriately responded by walking home, eating pre-made cookie dough, reading bridget jones, and pondering why nearly 100% of my relationships with males are disappointing at best.

have successfully begun incorporating cocoa nibs into every meal and can feel the free radicals being zapped from bloodstream with every crunchy bite of antioxidant-rich goodness.

ureter stent comes out thursday. plan to walk, leap, and praise god in manner of lame man cured by biblical peter.

shana is currently reading me my cosmogirl horoscope:

"cancer: whether you're auditioning for a play or entering a writing contest, you'll come out ahead of the pack on this month. love: someone who's culturally different than you is interested in you. with venus in your house of love, this could be very hot." hmm. october promises such wonderful things. maybe i could apply to write horoscopes for cosmogirl, as stars are in my favor.

now have moved on to discussing current rat infestation of new house. must determine size of feces in order to diagnose culprits. another thing to worry about. house smells similar to pet store. think might get hantavirus.

routine

i pass a woman on her sea green beach cruiser who's always wearing a short skirt and heels and is humming to herself. every day we cross paths sooner than the day before. i wonder if she's ealier or i'm later.

this man comes into the store and doesn't make eye contact with anyone. just picks up his coffee cup as usual and fills it with chocolate samples, scrutinizing every piece with a furrowed brow.

i keep sticking feathers from the ground into my pigtail, which might eventually lead to mites and parasites.

last night i dreamed about dozens of tiny baby hermit crabs in tiny baby hermit crab shells. they were so fucking cute and crawling everywhere. when i woke up i remember that i've seen this before and when they walked across the palm of my hand, they were as light as air. i couldn't even feel them.

moving daze

oh lord. bonnot, with whom i am unhealthily in love, is sitting on my lap right this second. i wish you could witness the cuteness! we are so perfect together!

my fling with bonnot plus meeting the new kitties at ellie's house made me realize how much i miss my late cat, hal. i decided it's finally time to let myself love again and that i'm ready to find a feline companion...aw, this just in: one of my new housemates is v. allergic :( sad day. i guess it will wait another year and i will have to shower this rush of love onto hermit crab, who i sense is very disgruntled lately.

i'll thank the world!

*closes eyes, opens arms, and deeply inhales sweet city air*

ahh, to be a functional member of the real world! i write this soberly, with a newfound joy that springs from participating in everyday society, walking down street, saying hello to neighbors, etc., in manner of ebenezer scrooge post-ghost visits.

despite the fact that my left kidney hurts in a bad, bad way if i don't empty my bladder the second it is full, and having abruptly abandon my slothful lifestyle of 12-hour nights of sleep and napping twice daily in order to be responsible, working adult, i am all smiles and ready to flush my vic down the toilet...or sell it to kids on the ave...

if you know the theme song in "the last unicorn," imagine america singing the chorus in the background while you read the rest of this.

AND i rode my newly restored bike to work!

AND a magician came into the store and showed me a magic trick today, which involved him turning five one dollar bills into five one hundred dollar bills. i asked if he would do this trick to my paycheck, but he pretended not to hear me. damnit...

AND i have officially been vegan for nearly 24 hours. well, except for that small dollop of sour cream on my burrito today...it was so small...and having a burrito with no sour cream seems sinful...well, a person can't turn into a saint over night (god knows i've tried). to even out the dairy product incident, i have not indulged in any other vices today.

i've had to go to the bank two days in a row. both days involved severe "my tellers are my family" incidents. i sat down to change my address and kailee showed me a loophole to maintain free bill pay with my online banking AND a way i can be accruing reward points on my credit card...and corey always remembers my name and makes endearingly awkward small talk...and cody waves at me everytime, even when he's not my teller, because he was my FIRST teller when i moved to seattle last year...oh lord...

I will start anew/I will make amends/and I will make quite certain/that the story ends/on a note of hope/on a strong amen/and I'll thank the world/and remember when/I was able to begin again! --scrooge

narcs

oh, bother. i realize that i have been a complete negative nancy in most of my recent entries. this has caused unnecessary worrying from my readers about my health and well-being. re-reading my posts has made me think, "whose poor, sad life is this?" i assure you, though i'm still completely fucked up on oxycodone and vicodin, i have been taken care of and abundantly loved by the amazing people in my life these past few weeks. worry not!

some highlights:

-all of my housemates and i cuddling in gavin's bed last night, listening to story time on npr.
-renai visiting with delicious vegan treats and the best movies i have ever seen.
-sarah jayne and stacy making cheesy potato casserole and bringing midwest love and company.
-gavin watching hours and hours of movies with me, even though i slept through them all.
-sara buying me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
-a sleepover with my housemates and my favorite cat every night in zelda's room.

tomorrow my vacation/recovery ends. back to the chocolate factory. mmmmmggghhhhh...

things that are bizarre when you are on pain meds:
-picking out paint colors for your new house at the hardware store
-sitting in a coffee shop, trying to look and act normal even though the walls seem to be closing in rapidly and the art looks alive...

today liz t. and i decided to be ms. frizzle for halloween. we are both going to be ms. frizzle, from different episodes. this replaces our original idea of going as thelma and louise.

zelda and i finally fixed my road bike last week. it is just sitting in the honeybucket, begging to be ridden. i feel super proud and motivated to learn more more more!

hmm...hopefully my next post will be written drug-free.

high as i write this

day 7 post-surgery misery.
the anesthesiologists scolded me for reading articles about surgery-gone-wrong and assured me they were the best team in the world. hmm. i'm still skeptical about that. as she said that, she was in the middle of failing (for the second time) to get the IV into my hand. but by the time they wheeled me into the surgery room, i didn't even have time to start counting backwards and i was out. tricky...
my life since then has been a lonely, drugged, half-asleep blur of days. unable to articulate anything clearly, i've lived mostly inside my head. i go back and forth between telling people not to make such a fuss over me (i insisted on contributing more than i should have to the cleaning/packing/moving process last weekend) and crying like a baby because i feel like my friends have forgotten and abandoned me in my time of need. the pain meds make me narcoleptic, itchy, constipated, and hiccupy. yes, hiccupy.
we've officially moved out of quaker house and into hotel honeybucket for the week. everyone gets up in the morning to go places and do things. i stay right here. on the couch. popping pills. my only joy in life right now is cuddling with bonnot, the cuddliest cat on the entire planet, who always makes me feel loved. and when people come to visit me.
time for nap.

end of the world as we know it

my last day of:

-working at shelter (as an unpaid employee, at least)
-being helpful in the move-out process at home
-having kidney stones stuck in my ureter
-having a broken road bike
-eating cheese. and ice cream. and spinach. and everything else i love. foreva.

hopefully it will not me my last day of life on this earth. even though i've been strongly (and wisely) advised by multiple people to stop scaring myself, i can't help dwelling on the possibilities of an air bubble in my IV, a deadly allergic reaction to shock waves, and horror stories of the 20,000-40,000/year reported cases of anesthesia awareness. seriously!

but you'll be relieved to know that since 1997 my hospital has been using neurophysiological monitoring device called a bispectral index to track level of consciouness. i'm definitly asking my anesthesiologist if she/he knows how to properly operate this equipment.

i am secretly excited about a three-day nap-and-movie-watching vacation, though. my housemate-with-whom-i-share-a-wall and i recently stumbled upon the christploitation and post-apocalyptic section at the video store. the bruce campbell movie we watched this weekend: excellent. virtual reality, mutant cannibals...oh man. and scarecrow video has. an entire. wall. of these movies.

another tale of false sense of bank teller being my best friend:

liz and i went into wells fargo this weekend. the girls were clearly bored out of their minds and started asking us a million questions about our lives. it came up that we're moving this weekend, but can't move into new house unter the 1st. teller actually OFFERED her own home to us. fo reals. she was very, very concerned. i guess we look like nice people. really nice, trustworthy people. ha.

equilibrium

new strategy for next 15 days:

turn off part of brain/heart that feels so can emotionlessly get shit done.

otherwise will not survive.

good plan.

sippin' on coke and juice

i did it.
i worried myself sick.
now i can't breathe and my head feels like it's going to explode.
my hippie co-worker just asked, "in what ways is your stress serving you?"
"um, it's not. it sucks. i hate it."
"then mind over matter. mind over matter."
thanks. that's very helpful.
she also said, "if you live by the freeway, don't pretend it's the ocean or everytime you go to the ocean, you'll only hear freeway." ...hmm. now there's some advice i can work with.

other advice i can work with: my little sister did some informal research for me. turns out that 100% of her sample population of senior citizens in rural ohio swear that drinking a mixture of welch's grape juice and coca-cola will dissolve "the barbs off of kidney stones." then they slide right on through and there ya go. no need for surgery! i'm willing to try anything at this point. it's not as bad as you think, actually. in fact it's growing on me a bit....well, here's to hoping...

things i'm hoping to find on craigslist:
-a hot air balloon. i would really like to sail around the world in a hot air balloon right now.
-a rich, old, lonely person who has so much money they don't know what to do with it. perhaps she wants to pay off my student loan debt in exchange for me sharing a few meals, playing scrabble, and just hanging out. this person must exist.

errands

i just biked home in the rain. v. exhilarating and joyful, despite the fact that i was biking home from the hospital so they could take a picture of my insides. now my armpits stink stink stink.

on my walk home from work today, i stopped by the piercer so they could take the metal out of my face that i'm not allowed to have for new job. i sighed when i sat down and said, "this is sad. but i have to do it for my new job. the end of an era..." to which the girl helping me, in all her tattooed-n-pierced glory, just raised her eyebrows in an expression that clearly meant, "you're a sell-out. way to compromise yourself for the man." not the kind of love and support i could have used at the moment.

after that i went to the bank. i never intend to be honest with my teller when he asks me how i'm doing, but somehow i always end up spilling my guts. i realize that they have to ask, but...it always sounds so sincere.

"and how are you today?"
"fine...i mean, terrible. i just had to take my piercings out for a new job and i'm passing four kidney stones, two on each side, and house hunting is going nowhere and i'm so stressed out about paying the bills and i feel like i'm letting all of my friends down lately and yesterday and today i spent the whole day not eating 'cause i thought my belly had to be empty for these tests and the doctor never called me back to tell me that i could have been eating the entire time and so many people are moving away and i don't know how to fix my bike and i spilled coffee on my dress today. and i think my hermit crab is sick."
"wow...that sounds awful...um...so just this deposit for you today?"

no, i want you to fix everything, damnit!

i started cleaning my room and taking things off the walls. i found my bag o' dreadlocks. i decided that in my quest to minimize my belongings, i can't justify carrying them around me whenever i move. i also can't throw them away. it seems wrong. i don't really know what my other options are. suggestions?

variations on a familiar theme

allow me to complain some more, please:

got no job, no house, no money, no love. and a kidney stone.
rejection, rejection, rejection.
bad choices.
i'm not a cute french girl.
it's cold and cloudy again today.

the bright side:

urban family that likes me just as i am ("to becca...just as she is!"), cookie dough and reality bites, being brave enough to say something i wanted to say even though it was scary.

i wish i had realized earlier on that being in your 20s is, by definition, a constant struggle to keep your head just above the water. then i would have had time to build a time machine that would transport me to my 30th birthday. only magically, i would arrive with all the life lessons and wisdom that the pain of this decade is supposedly teaching me. yes. that's what i'd have done.

i shaved my legs for this?

for work today we all went to an amusement park. i worked very hard screaming on roller coasters and sitting on my ass floating down the lazy river.

my coworker overheard some teenage girls with identical haircuts and avril lavigne-inspired eye makeup making fun of my leg hair.

instead of feeling bad, i felt victorious. i laughed to myself and thought, "ha! just wait 'til they see me walking around in my bikini bottoms. body hair, body hair, body hair!"

cold day in july

the seattle weather gods are smiting us with 60 degree weather at the end of july.

i'm wallowing in some unidentified emotion, sitting alone in my room with the window shut, listening to my post-love mix (which is making everything better and worse).

i'm not even post-love. i just feel like it. because of the weather, my flat bike tire, my kidney stone, friends breaking up, friends moving away, friends crying, residents crying, coworkers quitting, me wanting to quit, wanting so so so so soooo badly to be done, pending jobs, pending house, pending crushes, money money money, overspending, over-committing, over-processing race, class, & gender, overdue library books...

sometimes i hate being a cancer.

zelda dumpstered an "astrological love affinity decoder" for me. it is now one of my top 6 material possessions.

top 6 material possessions (in no significant order):
-saw
-bike
-rilke's book of hours
-journal
-hula hoop
-astrological love affinity decoder

anyway, it's to help two people figure out their compatibility based on sun signs. compatibility is divided into the following categories: passion, tolerance, stability, concord, heaven match. the decoder is v. helpful...in knowing...the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship....well, tell me your sun sign and i'll give you our score.

i went to a music festival this past weekend. bluegrass jam bands and peacocks everywhere. in trees. everywhere. i saw an albino peacock. and some baby peacocks. i found a tiny feather, but not the kind you're probably thinking of. you can see a little blue and green if you hold it to the light a certain way. i'm keeping it as a reminder of how peaceful i felt for 48 hours.

yesterday when i woke up i thought, "i'm going to collect the feathers i find today." by dinnertime, i had three beautiful feathers that i stuck in my nubbin of a pigtail. i gave those away to my friends. today i found two more. right now i have six visible feathers hanging out in my room.

i also finally took off my shell necklace from durban. finally. it's been around my neck since my dreadies came off. now: an empty heart-shaped locket from i don't-know-where and an origami crane charm from my sister. i'm waiting for something good and tiny to put inside the locket.

my room. my room is a disaster. it keeps getting worse and worse. i have no will to put anything where it goes and a strange desire to create mess. someone knocked my jar of seaglass onto the floor. there it remains. batteries, beer bottles, scissors, a cheese slicer, thread, painkillers, dirty laundry, and feathers feathers feathers. my room is usually pretty immaculate. but right now i want it to be a disaster. why?

but i have kept the little plant that ashley gave me for my birthday alive. i look at it everyday and remember to water it, if nothing else. it's grown at least a centimeter.

my body's gemstones

my stone is about 1 cm. the ureter is 3mm-5mm in diameter.

well, they are beautiful...nasty little shits...

informative

good news: i finally paid my medical bill from last year's kidney stone this week! thus ends my love/hate phone relationship with justin from collections.

bad news: i might be passing another kidney stone. "what!?" i know, right! this would make #3, which means that if my body had any follow through and had actually passed the previous two stones, i would have enough rocks to make a earring and necklace set. the pain is not very severe or constant right now, but i'm going to get it checked out tomorrow just in case, so i can have some pain killers on hand...

exciting news: i have a job interview in an hour! at a chocolate factory! and this weekend i'm going to a music festival in oregon! (all of the above subject to be ruined by elusive kidney stone)

hermit crab news: last night i had a dream that i thought she was dying, but it turns out, she was pregnant and gave birth to six little hermits. and i was amazed, as hermit crabs have never been known to mate in captivity. and she doesn't have a mate to begin with. really, though, since i've been following danii's pregnancy reading "what to expect when you're expecting," i've had hella pregnancy dreams. i'm pregnant, you're pregnant, my hermit crab's pregnant, we're all pregnant...in my most recent dream, i was a surrogate mother. it was really traumatic, actually.

cookie news: i haven't been able to make no-bake cookies successfully since i've been in seattle. for a while i blamed it on the hippie ingredients in our house: soy milk, margarine, natural peanut butter. but no matter what i try, they never set. i have been making delicious no-bake cookies since i could reach the stove top standing on a chair. so wtf, i say! something is off in the universe.

well, that concludes my news broadcast. someday in the hopefully near future i'll pull myself together enough and write interesting, profound commentary on current events and academic books i'll be reading...until then, i'm off trying to survive...

the sun's a circus clown, the moon's a lemon tart

yet another sunny day. i can't stop grinning. and singing. and dancing. partially because of the weather, partially because it's almost time for me to close this chapter of my life and move on.

i know i still have a month left to live here, but i have an itch to start throwing things away and packing my belongings in boxes now. moving is my favorite state of being.

i'm also giddily in love with my friends. last night we had a "great depression" themed potluck that involved costumes, a giant pot of soup, and a woody guthrie-esque jam on the front porch with a banjo, ukulele, guitar, accordion, saw, and the spoons.

other things i love right now: a mighty wind soundtrack (link below being my favorite song ever ever), milkshakes, cutting my bangs obsessively.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8NGYoyRR6U

(by the way, to those technologically savvy: how do i post a youtube video, or any link for that matter?? thanks.)

25 more days of work. 25 more days of walking into shelter and being greeted by the overwhelming smell of bacon. always. bacon. everyday. bacon. no matter what. perhaps i should conduct a study on victims of domestic violence and bacon consumption.

today: a long bike ride and a milkshake.

it's just that kind of day.

me me me meeeeee

(my mcdonald's birthday party, c. 1990)

disclaimer: the only thing this entry is about is how unbelievably cute i used to be.


i just watched a home video of 5-year-old self. it explains so much about who i am today.

scene 1: my older sister mal and i supposed to be doing our barbie tape routine for the camera. mal, always the performer, is singing into a hairbrush and dancing to her original choreography. me: i'm wearing this pink dress that my grandma made me. i used to wear every single day. my mom would have to come up with creative ways to trick me out of it long enough to give it a good washing every now and then. so, mal singing. me spinning in circles. around and around and around. in my own world. watching the skirt poof out. i would fall. and get back up. and keep spinning. with a dumb, but ridiculously adorable, smile on my face. much of my childhood (an estimated 61%) was spent spinning in this pink dress. until i outgrew it. then i moved on to my sister's identical purple one. ah, hand-me-downs...

scene 2: christmas 1990. my pajama shirt is clearly on backwards and my hair is everywhere, with evidence of a side ponytail. i am completely unaware of the fact that i look fucking crazy, as i unwrap boxes of sweatsuits. then, i open the golden present of 1990: a neon pink book bag (with a jesus fish on it) with my very own bible inside. a bible with my name engraved on the front in gold letters. i am completely amazed by the fact that "they knew my name" and ask my mother over and over and over again how "they knew my name" in a voice that is too high and squeaky for the human ear to understand. perhaps that's why my mother ignored me over and over again. five minutes later, the entire family is in front of the camera. mal and i, in our new matching sweatsuits, are each holding an end of our poor cat, amanda "miss kitty." i am holding the ass. as is the annual ritual (still today!), we all sing carols to our future selves. smart-ass mal and myself decide to be clever and replace the words of "i'm dreaming of a white christmas" with "meow meow meow meow meow-meow," much to dad's annoyance and mom's amusement. the final shot is me running towards the camera holding poor amanda "miss kitty." suddenly i fall, out of the camera's view. a second later i pop up unharmed. still holding poor, tortured amanda "miss kitty."

i was spacey, weird, and always in my own world (probably because no one understood me when i talked, due to pitch). i refused to wear pants and tortured animals, only because i loved them too damn much.

other than puberty and a few more social skills, little else seems to have changed. in fact, i might be less cool and am definitely less cute. and i'm a worse dresser. oh man...

crisis momentarily resolved

i have never been so happy about rain in seattle as i am right now! it actually thunderstormed last night. the thunder actually woke me up when i was sleeping and the air smells deliciously of summer rain instead of the usual seattle-overcast-stink. mmmmmm....

always true to my zodiacal tendencies, i suddenly feel at peace about life, despite my existential crisis two days ago. ha! or maybe it's because i received birthday checks in the mail and don't have to worry myself sick about paying bills this month. yes, now that i think about it, my financial status probably has significantly more power over my mood swings than the cosmos. not because i'm greedy, but because i'm severely poor.

in other news, my business manager/brilliant housemate with whom i share a wall created a blog for our hula hoop small business. check it out (sorry you have to copy and paste; i can't figure out how to post a g.d. link even though i seem to be following the directions...): hulahoopseattle.blogspot.com
personally, my favorite line is "hula hooping is part of our dna as humans!" it's true. it's really, really true. however, i still feel torn about making a profit from hula hooping. i want it to be accessible to everyone and not...commodified. on the other hand, as noted above, i'm severely poor. gah! ethical dilemma!

is it just me, or has my writing really lacked depth lately? in general, i feel like i've been avoiding intellectual stimulation and processing heavy, emotional ideas. at work, i just do what needs to be done without thinking about it much. i try to be present when i can, but as soon as it's 5:00, i find other things to distract me. ohh, did i tell you i am learning to slackline? so far, i can just balance in the middle for about 10 seconds, at best.

anyway, current life strategy: busy self with hobbies, hobbies, hobbies to avoid despair.

how am i not myself?

days i was a saint: 5

oh well, i tried anyway.

yesterday i biked to a beach on the sound and planted myself there for the next couple hours for my self-evaluation/journal-reading birthday ritual. this resulted in two things.

one: launching myself into an existential crisis. great. i'm not surprised, as i've been feeling one on its way for a while. thank the powers-that-be for wikihow:

http://www.wikihow.com/Exude%2C-Escape%2C-or-Enact-an-Existential-Crisis
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-an-Existential-Crisis

now i can move on. ha.

two: sunburn. really bad fever-and-chill-giving sunburn. everywhere. bad. when will i learn? never, clearly. after all the excruciating sunburn pain i've endured in my 23 years of being, i'm still a dumbass who doesn't wear sunscreen. i don't deserve sympathy, in case you were going to offer it.

i'm such a cancerian; i'm acting moody and introspective beyond all reason. my skin is as red as my hermit crab. and i'm going to get skin cancer.

hopeless.

23!

today i'm 23. at last!

also, my hermit crab re-emerged. she's missing her big claw. she's in the same shell. i'm worried about her, but i'm glad she's back.

things i will do today:

-make scrambled eggs.
-annual ritual of reading all of my journal entries from the past year.
-play outside.

that is all.

i'm every woman

at work, my top desk drawer will fall open if there isn't an eraser wedged into the space under the desktop. every week, i look forward to ripping off all the old tape and securing the eraser with dozens and dozens of overlapping pieces of scotch tape. after about thirty layers of this, the drawer will stay closed.

and that's how i am managing to hold things together. in general.

this weekend bridget jones, a big 'ol bowl of moosetracks ice cream, and a bottle of wine re-inspired me to pull myself together by setting unrealistic goals involving the replacement of every vice and bad habit in my life with a virtue and good habit. ha, doesn't that sound sustainable? i will spare you the boring details, but basically it includes more cardio early in the morning, fewer foods with high fructose corn syrup and saturated fat, no smoking, blah blah blah. today is day 3 of being a saint. so far so good. well, i have done one unsaintly thing; i watched "america's got talent" last night...and (even worse) enjoyed it.

wait, two unsaintly things. this one is more sad than reality television: yesterday at work i forgot my power. i made a decision on behalf of someone else. i was doing the best i could and it was a very small decision, but they ended up being hurt. it frightened me to see her look at me like that. it frightened me to realize that i can have good intentions, and yet...

never to be seen again

all of the energy i've put into the universe is being sucked into a giant black hole. black hole has eaten four job applications, letters i've sent to my friends, all my money, my hermit crab, and every attempt i make to be a good person.

behind

just a few things:

this week has been a whirlwind.

today ibrihim said he hated me. he is seven, yes, but with his mother there screaming at him in somali, i felt embarrassed for both of us. i have rarely seen her so angry. the only words i could understand were: becca, seattle, stupid, and hug her. three minutes later, he and i were talking houseboats and goldfish, sitting on back door stoop.

i am trying to come to terms with the fact that i have friends who are married, pregnant, and homeowners. i don't know what a mortgage is. i have no idea. i didn't know whether or not pregnant women can ride bikes (yes, apparently). we've all been together, right in sync with society's schedule...up until this point. now i am having moments of panic because i'm scared we will stop understanding each other and become isolated in our own worlds. that won't happen, right? right?

here's the thing. things that are currently occupying my thoughts (besides being lonely and being a terrible friend): finding a part time minimum wage summer job and the free tattoo i'm getting on saturday. ha! i could just as easily be a high schooler.

your mom

yesterday i soaked in midwestern goodness. this included a buffet with baked potatoes, green beans, pasta salad, and three meat options. the decor of the venue was beautiful, too. some highlights: christmas trees (in june, yes), giant porcelein dolls, and a giant stuffed teddy bear sitting at a table alone in the corner of the bar, drinking a giant drink that lit up and bubbled. i wonder how much electricity is used daily between the giant drink and the christmas lights.

on the way home we drove past a billboard that said, "smile! your mom was pro-life!" mmmm, yes....

and i danced three days in a row with a stubbed toe, which ended up being too much.

4/5 of my conversations this week have been identical and center around the following questions: 1) how is seattle? 2) what do you do out there again? 3) oh my god, your hair!

so life has lacked depth. everyone is doing their own thing, but being able to see that everyone is okay doing their own thing is comforting, too.

for free!

minneapolis smells different than seattle. here when it rains, it smells like earth and clouds. in seattle, nothing changes.

yesterday i was suddenly in back in my old life, but not. ferdosa talks now. she was so shy at first because she didn't recognize me. the new baby is fat. asha and i sat on the front stoop. she dipped her bread in tea and told me not to bike home, or i'd be struck by lightning because my bike is metal. when did she get so smart? we went upstairs to see my old house. the girls who live there now have rules for the kids posted on their door. they have inspirational pictures hanging on their walls. like a little sign the says "god bless this house." the kids don't like the girls, and this secretly makes me happy. it's nice to be someone's favorite. especially when there are seven someones. seven ridiculously cute someones.

i forget small things. i forgot that the back door of the bus doesn't open automatically here. i stood there waiting for it to open for me. i forgot about the humidity and the flatness. and about how much good hip hop there is here.

my old life, but not.

today i remembered how young i am and laughed. ten months ago is "old life," ancient history. every decision i have to make seems important and life-changing. every damn thing is so huge.

when i am an 900-year old tree in the rainforest, i will look back on this all and laugh (but this laugh will be different than the laugh i laughed today. it will be wiser).

i'm about to explode like a frog on a hotplate

my favorite things about flying: spying on people, free soda in those little plastic cups (laden with toxins and carcinogens, i'm sure), and making awkward conversation with the people i sit next to. and the anticipation of going somewhere. and the feeling of taking off. and seeing the world look so very tiny below, and flying through clouds, and turbulance... and the compactness of airplane bathrooms. eeeee! i guess i just love to fly!

in less than 10 hours, i will be breathing in sweet midwestern air. i can't wait to see the kids. i'm bringing them each a piece of seaglass from orcas island/indianola. they will inevitably either lose, eat, or fight over it. or find a way to use it as a weapon. god, how i miss them.

goodbye seattle drizzle, hello minneapolis thunderstorm!

dingle dingle

updates:

friday night i biked to seattle center to receive previously mentioned hug from amma. i imagined it to go like this: i walk into a beautiful room, amma embraces me, everything that has ailed me is cured, i exit peacefully and blissfully. what actually happened: we waited in v. long line for numbered token, entered stressfully large and noisy room, walked past tables of amma merchandise and hippie bath products, sat in folding chairs for 2.5 hours listening to amma speak. not to be rude or anything, but her speech was kind of cliche and my ass was hurting something fierce. i was uncontrollably fidgety by the time they started the singing, not to mention a little triggered by the mega-church vibe i was feeling, so we peaced out sans spiritual hug and went to a bar instead. whiskey= spiritually healing?

regarding my hermit crab: still missing. people seem to chuckle a little when i explain the situation. i don't find it funny.

after clogging workshop #2, i know the following steps: bertha, lee, earl, alamo, and dingle stomp. this is very satisfying. i love whoever named these.

i am possibly being stalked by a beauty consultant i met at our lemonade stand. she really wants me to try this sample of enzyme face exfoliator that melts off your first 3-5 layers of dead skin, leaving your face smooth and radiant. scary, right? of course i didn't, as it sounds terrifying. the next week, she spotted me in a crowd of thousands at the folklife festival, ran over to me, and asked me how i liked the face-melter. i replied, "to be honest, i'm a bit frightened about it. it reminds me of the fish in japan that nibble the dead skin off your feet." she and her friend laughed and squealed and assured me that it would change my life. last week she called the CRISIS LINE asking for me. how the hell did she find me? they transferred her call to shelter and suddenly, while i'm in the middle of listening to someone disclose personal, traumatic information this girl wants my feedback on facewash. who does that? who?

well, here's a secret: after carefully reviewing the ingredients to make sure there were no scary chemicals in it, i tried the g.d. sample. my dead skin came off in little boogers. my living skin was, indeed, smooth and radiant. damnit. i will never, ever tell her.

since i'm sharing secrets, i want to let you know that i have a silly, silly new crush...that is all i can tell you for now. tehe :)

i'm not getting the responses i want

the other day all i really wanted, the only thing i wanted, was a milkshake. i put our blender together that way i thought it went together. it didn't go together that way. apparently. the milk fell out through the bottom, all over everything. i cried. wailed. i was hysterical. in front of all my housemates. i crumpled to the floor howling. over spilled milk. over everything, but really over spilled milk. no one knew what to do, and seeing everyone unsuccessfully trying to make things better made everything awful and hilarious...and awful.

now everything is up in the air because as far as i know, i only cry biannually (excepting instances in which i cry because of a book or movie). i already cried once on february 15th. it's only may. there are so many months to go.

the good news is that i took a clogging workshop. i texted this information to my dad in a weak attempt to bond or something. his response: "wow." anyway, i found a new passion.

the bad news is that today a collections agency called me about a bill i didn't know i had for my kidney stone last summer. fuck. i didn't even know. i ranted for a while to poor justin-who-answered-the-phone about our healthcare system and classist society. while i was on hold i started feeling a little guilty for taking my anger out on justin-who-answered-the-phone, since he probably doesn't have control over these things. so when he got back on the line i apologized. probably too much.

one of my favorite residents found out that i'm only 22 today. she freaked out. "whhhaaaaa? that's my daughter's age. i'm telling all my problems to someone my daughter's age!?"

friday there is a lady coming to seattle from india. apparently her hugs have spiritual healing powers. realizing how ridiculous this sounds, i really want a hug from her.

anticipating the ice cream truck

this just in: my hermit crab is officially missing. i looked under every rock and shell and sponge, expecting to discover a corpse under each. no corpse. nothing.

it's possible that she buried herself to shed her exoskeleton and move into a new shell, but i'm a bit concerned because something similar happened last year with my crab fihliwe. i didn't see him for a few weeks, so i assumed he wanted some privacy so he could get naked (apparently they can stay under there for up to six weeks). well, he wasn't getting naked. he wasn't in the tank at all. no shell, no exoskeleton, no detached claw. he up and disappeared. even when we moved out of the house, we never found any evidence of fihliwe's existence. my theory: one of the downstairs neighbor children popped him in her mouth one day.

i named my new hermit crab after the downstairs neighbor child. she came to seattle with me on the train. somehow she's survived the coldness of my room and being alone (which ironically hermit crabs don't like). once i bought her a companion from petco on a friday. that tuesday, his legs fell off. seriously. i hadn't even named him yet. we scooped up his shell and his legs and gave him a beautiful viking funeral on lake union. liz's late fish was on the boat, too. i wanted us to play "float on" by modest mouse while we set the boat on fire, but the cd player wouldn't work, so i asked all of the guests to hum it instead. and they did. that's why i love my housemates.

i guess we'll see. i had a dream last week about her being dead and in the dream i was sobbing. i wonder if i'll have that reaction in real life. damn.

last night our team actually came in last place for trivia night. we won a prize for losing. two shots of jager. bleh. no thanks. i failed my team at the bible trivia question, which is supposed to be my area of expertise. the question was, "what did saul require of david before he married his daughter?" the answer is the foreskin of 1,000 philistines. mmm...well then, of course we wouldn't have talked about it in church. the last two rounds were all televison questions, which is why we were doomed.

i spent hours and hours today cleaning my house, scouring every surface in our bathroom and kitchen with vinegar and baking soda. i couldn't seem to stop. our house is old and everything will always look dirty. but my mother instilled very thorough cleaning habits in me. i thought she was crazy growing up, making us wipe down the walls for godsake. today my housemates looked at me the same way i looked at my mother. as if dusting the baseboards is unecessary. geez.

orbs

what is consuming my mind the most right now is how my team is going to kick ass at trivia night in a few short hours. i feel it in my heart of hearts.

since i'm terrible at trivia, my team mate suggested that i look up some random wikipedia articles. good idea. this is from the article on "blah":

Some people use "blah" as a code^{[citation needed]}, such as in morse code - "blah" being a dash, "blahblah" being a dot, and "blahblahblah" being a space.

see, i didn't know that. i wouldn't have known that. who makes up useless things like this anyway? that's ridiculous. the next random article that came up was about posthumous sperm collection. after that i stopped reading. if these topics come up during trivia night, i will probably leave.

after wasting my time browsing wikipedia, i made myself a grilled chese sandwich with swiss and tomato on rye and some lemonade. and i practiced my saw while i waited for my sandwich to melt. i can play the south african national anthem and the office theme song.



one sad-ish thing, then i'm done: i don't usually like children, but sometimes kindred spirits take the form of all ages and there's nothing you can do about it. for instance, sne is a 3-year-old zulu girl living in rural south africa. we couldn't understand a word the other said, but we spent a lot of time together and everybody knew we belonged to the same soul group. we told each other a lot of important things in our respective languages. once i asked her older brother what she was saying and he mumbled something about elves dancing in the forest. i will never ever forget the last moment we looked at each other, even though sne probably has already. it was one of the most heartbreaking moments in our lives, like when when will and lyra have to go back to their own worlds in the amber spyglass.

ha. sne was just going to be an example to introduce what i really meant to write about, but now i don't want to talk about anything else.

it's hard and it's hard, ain't it hard

things i would like to do in near future:

• learn to start my hula hoop with my feet
• stop eating so much cheese
• go to the rainforest
• host a judy chicago "dinner party" dinner party
• write a letter to my mamaw
• learn to clog

now, i was very surprised to realize the last item on my list. i've never desired to clog before. the main reason for this is that my father used to clog. he was part of his college's clogging troupe in kentucky. he once told me that when he graduated, he capered across the stage. so clogging was ruined for me, along with science fiction television and county fairs (also things i might have loved).

maybe it's my appalachian roots finally getting the best of me. maybe it's that youtube video i saw of this kid named brandon norris clogging on "so you think you can dance." maybe i miss my mamaw cooking casseroles topped with buttered cornflakes, or her specialty: chocolate gravy over biscuits. whatever it is, i have to pursue it, despite that fact the i don't think i can dance like brandon norris. lately whenever i hear bluegrass and old-time music, my feet start a-twitchin'.

if you've never experienced this, it can be quite frightening.

a treat

i hate the end of lilac season.

i went to the bank and asked for a red lollipop and the teller thought it was the most hilarious thing he'd ever heard. but he gave it to me. it was delicious.

bloody eye dog

i'm actually enjoying a jigsaw puzzle, despite my reluctance and lack of skill. see the dog on the bottom lefthand side with the blood coming out of his eyes? i put him together. ah, country dog gentlemen.

this city is too damn small. i used to like accidentally bumping into people. lately it makes me feel really vulnerable. for every person i hope i'll run into, there's another person i hope to avoid. this is especially tricky because i love meeting random strangers, but inevitably five minutes into our conversation (and hopefully i haven't said anything foolish by this time) i find out that they are roomates with the sister of a person i was hoping to avoid. iesh. so anyway, i have to be extra sneaky these days...

there is a beautiful fiddle player who might think i'm stalking her. it's always an accident, i swear. last week she came into a public bathroom and used the stall right next to mine. i was taking a shit, but i had to stop because i was embarrassed. then i just smiled awkwardly at her while we were washing our hands. i probably seem so creepy. i want to tell her that i play the saw, but i have nothing to say beyond that. i think talking to her would just increase my creepiness. something i don't want to do...

you don't even know

i just ate a bowl of frozen tortellini. i thought it would be delicious, but it was actually just depressing.

i worked for 13 hours today. if i cried, i would have done it on a day like this. there were too many goodbyes and hellos.

today i gave three backrubs, three shelter tours, met three new people, celebrated a victory, pitied a failure, knew what to say once, didn't know what to say at least four times, and said the wrong thing way too many times. it was my friend's birthday today. someone i love was mourning a death today. the washing machine broke. the copy machine broke. the kitchen is being retiled.

overall, i would estimate that i made more good decisions than bad decisions. more that were both. for instance, i bought pepsi instead of coke because it was graded a b- in the better world shopper book instead of a d- like coke. but really, i shouldn't be consuming high fructose corn syrup in the first place. or: i smoked one cigarette instead of five. things like that. slight progress.

the house was dead when i came home. the last conversation i had with my housemates was about whose hair is in the shower drain.

i thought i was done listening until tomorrow, but just now i listened some more because i needed to. it's one of those things that amazes me because even when you think you've reached your full listening capacity, you find the room if it needs to happen. similar to jello.

anyway, i just listened without giving advice. i don't believe in advice anymore. well, i don't believe in giving advice if you're unqualified to do so. and there are very, very few people in the world who i would consider qualified. i'm not one of them. to be qualified, i think first you have to have learned to be fully present, which rules out a lot of us. i'm practicing though, based on tips from thich naht hanh (who i think is qualified to give advice).

everything that's happened since 8:00 this morning reminds me of how strangely balanced the universe can keep itself.