you don't even know

i just ate a bowl of frozen tortellini. i thought it would be delicious, but it was actually just depressing.

i worked for 13 hours today. if i cried, i would have done it on a day like this. there were too many goodbyes and hellos.

today i gave three backrubs, three shelter tours, met three new people, celebrated a victory, pitied a failure, knew what to say once, didn't know what to say at least four times, and said the wrong thing way too many times. it was my friend's birthday today. someone i love was mourning a death today. the washing machine broke. the copy machine broke. the kitchen is being retiled.

overall, i would estimate that i made more good decisions than bad decisions. more that were both. for instance, i bought pepsi instead of coke because it was graded a b- in the better world shopper book instead of a d- like coke. but really, i shouldn't be consuming high fructose corn syrup in the first place. or: i smoked one cigarette instead of five. things like that. slight progress.

the house was dead when i came home. the last conversation i had with my housemates was about whose hair is in the shower drain.

i thought i was done listening until tomorrow, but just now i listened some more because i needed to. it's one of those things that amazes me because even when you think you've reached your full listening capacity, you find the room if it needs to happen. similar to jello.

anyway, i just listened without giving advice. i don't believe in advice anymore. well, i don't believe in giving advice if you're unqualified to do so. and there are very, very few people in the world who i would consider qualified. i'm not one of them. to be qualified, i think first you have to have learned to be fully present, which rules out a lot of us. i'm practicing though, based on tips from thich naht hanh (who i think is qualified to give advice).

everything that's happened since 8:00 this morning reminds me of how strangely balanced the universe can keep itself.