good intentions

working a shelter shift.

another branch of our organization hosted an event tonight with a huge taco bar. they, nicely, offered to bring the leftovers to shelter for residents to eat.

first drama: i'm downstairs finding a toiletry for someone when three women fly downstairs. "becca! beccaaaa!!!! there's a man at the door! there's a man at the door!"

indeed, there is a man at the door. with a car trunk full of taco fixins. after unloading them, he smiles and leaves. now we face the problem of stuffing huge helpings of said fixins into two small-and-already-filled-to-capacity-and-shared-by-20-people-who-may-or-may-not-even-be-interested-in-eating-taco-leftovers refrigerators. no one was interested in helping me with this task.

i rearranged everything like i was playing the most annoying game of tetrus ever and was almost done when i realized that the tub of chicken, covered in one thin, failing layer of plastic wrap, was overflowing under the weight of the lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese. and dripping all over everything in the fridge, the floor, and my leg.

it's in there. to be eaten or to mold. but it was a nice thought.

guns n' chocolate

i can't believe zuma is going to be president. here, watch this video of zuma's theme song called "bring me my machine gun." i experienced this firsthand once in 2006. it felt exciting and strange and creepy all at once. he looked into my eyes and i didn't like it. he has so many wives.



in personal news, i'm really losing it. i think everyone in my house is going on vacation except me, and i'm insanely jealous. my vacation was a weeklong oxycodone high and bloody urine. now i'm working working working and still sinking into a quagmire of financial doom. i continue to be on the verge of burnout and there's nothing i can do about it.

or so i thought...last night i showered and sat down in the tub and closed my eyes and ears and just let the water run over and over and over me. it sounded like when it's pouring rain and you're inside a car. i sat there and thought, and everything was so clear. everything i need to do. knowing and doing such different things...

the other day i was trying to close the register, which is my biggest weakness at work right now, and this man waiting for a meeting to start kept pestering me (when i was clearly struggling with money-counting!). i was also especially irritable, as i've been on my period this week and every customer has seemed twice as demanding as usual.

"say, how do you stay so thin when you're around so much chocolate all day?"

to which i replied, in an unstable sort of way, "ha. huh. hahaha. hahuhahahahahahahHAHAHAhahahahaaaaaaahaha."

he muttered something and walked away. all i had in my belly was half a ghana bar, a mint confection, a lavendar jalepeno caramel, two pb&j confections, and 3/4 of a big daddy. shovel shovel shovel mmmmmgggggg. feeling like bloated cow rather than "so thin." but thank you, sir. ah, subjectivity.

of rats and women

sitting next to me at the library is a stack of ramona quimby books and a couple of judy blume classics waiting to be checked out, waiting to inspire me. on hold: books about the history of chocolate, the corruption of the chocolate industry, olmec culture, and kidney stones.

the removal of my stent was absolutely horrible and violating. when i got home, i took a pee and *plop* out came some 'lil kidney pebbles. of course being the disgusting person i am, i reached in and retrieved stones, washed them off, put them in a small jar, tried to make all my housemates touch them, and set them on my nightstand for the time being. now i have kidney stone fragments in a jar and dreadlocks in a bag. former parts of my body that i just can't throw away. and i'm not much of a packrat, i swear.

speaking of rats, it's been confirmed by various sightings that we are sharing our house with a nice family of them. things i don't like about rats: turds on the carpet, the thought of them trying to cuddle with me while i sleep, disease. otherwise, i'm not particularly offended by their presence. i romantically imagine mama and daddy rat tucking the little ones in at night and kissing them each on the forehead, then going out to gather whatever crumbs we've left lying around, which would have gone to waste otherwise...really movies like "am american tail" and "ferngully" ruined me for good. apparently i missed a lot of rat drama last night, wherein the fat black rat was actually caught in the trap, thought to be dead for a moment, then squirmed around and escaped. i hate the thought of snapping necks on anything. in fatu hiva thor heyerdahl wrote, "the tiny fruit rat, a clean and happy animal...ran about in the thin branches outside our window, stealing oranges. or, rather, preventing us from stealing them from him." my thoughts exactly. aside from the "tiny" and "clean" part.

remember that time i thought i was going to have to stop eating dairy? something worse has happened. i have to stop eating foods (as in "stop for the rest of my miserable life" stop) with high oxalate levels, including (but not limited to): spinach, rhubarb, tea, peanut butter, tofu, draft beer, strawberries, blueberries, and (aw, life, so cruel and ironic) chocolate. this is a completely unreasonable demand and may eventually lead to me finding another job and/or severe depression. on the plus side, i can eat dairy. come to me, delicious cheese!

i have a mild crush on a boy who works at the grocery store. we've talked at the register a few times and we always make small talk when he's stocking produce. and once i picked up a bunch of bananas that he dropped when his hands were to full and we made meaningful eye contact for a minute. sigh. also ran into my severe-but-ridiculous crush at farmer's market. i think i remember chuckling nervously and mumbling a lot, which is usually how our interactions go. there is no way he thinks i am brilliant and amazing or really probably cares for that matter. tragic. but geez. something about boys around veggies...

judgment

trying to decide whether or not a drunk adult skating party is a brilliant or terrible idea. last night i voted brilliant; felt like all middle school dreams finally realized. well, nearly all. this morning i change my vote, especially after peeking in the mirror at my matted down, aqua-netted hair, smeared hot pink lipstick, and smudged green eye shadow (indirectly related to skating...was 80's-themed party, duh) on my way to kitchen to rehydrate brain.

also terrible idea: eating dairy products thrice yesterday.

hmm...can't think of other bad choices at the moment. this is a good sign, no? off to have my stent removed! hoorah!

tale as old as time

this month my journal wins over blog. this is good, because it was getting lonely and dusty. also means i am in more introspective mood or have more secrets that cannot tell blog/blog audience (does blog audience exist?).

yesterday initiated break-up of unhealthy friendship and ended up (predictably) much more hurt than friend. appropriately responded by walking home, eating pre-made cookie dough, reading bridget jones, and pondering why nearly 100% of my relationships with males are disappointing at best.

have successfully begun incorporating cocoa nibs into every meal and can feel the free radicals being zapped from bloodstream with every crunchy bite of antioxidant-rich goodness.

ureter stent comes out thursday. plan to walk, leap, and praise god in manner of lame man cured by biblical peter.

shana is currently reading me my cosmogirl horoscope:

"cancer: whether you're auditioning for a play or entering a writing contest, you'll come out ahead of the pack on this month. love: someone who's culturally different than you is interested in you. with venus in your house of love, this could be very hot." hmm. october promises such wonderful things. maybe i could apply to write horoscopes for cosmogirl, as stars are in my favor.

now have moved on to discussing current rat infestation of new house. must determine size of feces in order to diagnose culprits. another thing to worry about. house smells similar to pet store. think might get hantavirus.

routine

i pass a woman on her sea green beach cruiser who's always wearing a short skirt and heels and is humming to herself. every day we cross paths sooner than the day before. i wonder if she's ealier or i'm later.

this man comes into the store and doesn't make eye contact with anyone. just picks up his coffee cup as usual and fills it with chocolate samples, scrutinizing every piece with a furrowed brow.

i keep sticking feathers from the ground into my pigtail, which might eventually lead to mites and parasites.

last night i dreamed about dozens of tiny baby hermit crabs in tiny baby hermit crab shells. they were so fucking cute and crawling everywhere. when i woke up i remember that i've seen this before and when they walked across the palm of my hand, they were as light as air. i couldn't even feel them.

moving daze

oh lord. bonnot, with whom i am unhealthily in love, is sitting on my lap right this second. i wish you could witness the cuteness! we are so perfect together!

my fling with bonnot plus meeting the new kitties at ellie's house made me realize how much i miss my late cat, hal. i decided it's finally time to let myself love again and that i'm ready to find a feline companion...aw, this just in: one of my new housemates is v. allergic :( sad day. i guess it will wait another year and i will have to shower this rush of love onto hermit crab, who i sense is very disgruntled lately.