radio sylence

hello.

hello there. remember me? i used to write things for to entertain and delight you?

two months is officially my record for longest period of silence. i haven't been journaling instead, nor have i been traveling, nor abducted, away from technology, tangled in christmas lights, lost my fingers, etc. the reasons i haven't been writing are simple and two:

1. the holidays
2. love

the former means i live at work more than usual...like today will be my 7th day in a row at work, and my 55th hour of work this since Monday...all in the name of holiday shopping. and holiday spirit, cheer, goodwill, endless joy, ever-grateful customers:

lady: *without greeting or any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity* "um, i see that the holiday 4 bar pack is on sale."
me: "yes, it is."
lady: *rolls eyes for reason unknown* "well, the pack comes with one of each bar, but i just want 4 peppermint bars, so it that discounted?"
me: "no, i'm sorry, the sale is on the bar pack."
lady: *talking more slowly, so that i can understand* "but...i...want...4...peppermint...bars."
me: "i see that. sorry, the sale is on the bar pack. i'm happy to tie a ribbon around the bars for you! *smile*"
lady: *through clenched teeth* "but...i'd...be...getting...4...bars...why...can't....i...get...the...discount?"
me: "sorry, ma'am (i only call people ma'am in situations like these). it's not set up like that in the system. there's nothing i can do about that."
lady: *raises eyebrows and smirks* "hmph. well that's too bad for you, 'cause i would have bought 4 of these." *walks away in huff*

and an interaction like that is inevitably followed by a cheerful middle-aged man, who probably made a comment about "ohhh how can you eat all the chocolate and still keep your figure ohhhh!", who then winks at me while i'm ringing up his purchase, "must be REAL rough to work in a place like THIS. yup, must be SO HARD to eat chocolate all the time for your JOB. i'll bet no one's every grumpy in a places like THIS. must be REAL rough. now i will chuckle at my own joke. i am SO pleased with myself for having MASTERED the art of subtle sarcasm. har har har."

anyway, my last entry was me griping about customers, so i'll spare subjecting you to more of my retail woes. but i have more stories, if you're interested...so yes, work: time consuming, soul consuming.

more importantly, #2. i'm in love.


yay!!! maybe i won't die fat and alone, eaten by wild dogs...it is kind of like julie andrews frolicking through a meadow! the hills are, indeed, alive! ...i'll save the rest for my journal, 'cause it's just gonna be me being all ooey & gooey and i think a fair amount of people who know me already want to slap me at this point. and i kind of do, too...but if you wanted to ask me about it, i might want to talk about it...just sayin'.


yup, so that's pretty much where i've been. all beaming and shit. now you have at least two things to talk to me about next time you talk to me.

some other notable things have happened. for happy and for sad.

i was hired today by my first official doula client!

i'm finally going to take a cheese-making class.

and, in the sad headline section, our beloved oliver passed last week. he had congestive heart failure, and his health deteriorated very rapidly. we ended up putting him down and it was very, very sad. we'll miss you very much, oliver.

equation

two customer interactions:

wednesday: a woman walks in to the store. i'm working alone. i'm in horrible, foul mood. but, alas, customer service game face. the woman is there to pick up a donation for some event. we donated a giant basket full of chocolate and treats. i hand it to her with a big 'ol smile and say, "thanks. have a good day!" to which she replies, "you'll have a better day than me, rest assured." what is that? what is that?

friday: i'm corresponding via email with a man trying to arrange to bring a tour into the store. after a few exchanges, he signs his email:

Yours, dipped in chocolate,

(figuratively)

Joe Schmoe (name changed to protect creeper's identity)



ew. i mean, i get that he thinks that's clever, like the people who make willy wonka jokes and the people who ask me how i keep my figure working around sweets all day (*snort*). they just can't resist the urge to make bad jokes and i must decide whether to humor them or pretend not to get the joke.

anyway, these experiences are adding up and fueling the fire i lit under my ass after doing some life-planning math on the busride home wednesday. how do i balance practicality and happiness? how do i plan a life where i can have my cake and eat it, too (and STILL maintain this figure...bahahahahahaha! get it?)?

i have answered these questions. i have balanced the equation. i know the key to success. but i can't tell you...yet.

in other news...mmm, no other news. just work, sleep, work. work.

retreat

this weekend i decided i need to talk a lot less.

i went to a wedding on john's island in the san juans. according to the 2000 census, the island has a population of five.

this weekend was multi-generational summer camp. it was community yoga and hippie dancing and deep, goofy discussions and vegan food that made you think, "i would be vegan if i got to eat like this everyday."

it was peace and love, mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and shit-talking.

my body hurts a lot, but in a good way. in a stretched out way and in a my-hips-are-bruised-from-sleeping-on-the-ground-in-the-fetal-position way.

i saw baby deer eating some leaves outside my tent. and a seal and an eagle.

at midnight, i sat in a meadow under stars i haven't seen in a long time with someone i love who said, "i figured it out: you're not a person, you're just another part of the universe."

the next day we were supposed to be silent, but i wanted to talk. i had a lot of things to say. i wandered away from everyone and took a sun nap for a while, so i wouldn't bother the silent people.

i've been spending a lot of time this past week in the space between awake and asleep and my brain has been coming up with some crazy things.

instead of writing in my journal or blog, i've been keeping a running log on my typewriter (that's what happens when you don't have the internetz in your home). i just write the things that happen like, "accidentally left a red sharpie in my pants pocket and did a load of laundry" and "on my bike ride to work today, i was behind this girl all the way from 19th and yesler to gasworks park. i felt like a creeper, but we just have the same commute."

did i ever tell you about that tree in la push? it was a giant, giant tree. hundreds of years old before the ocean decided to wash it onto that particular beach. i actually thought it was a whale at first. it was so dark and the waves had hollowed out the bottom of the tree a bit, where the roots are. we climbed up inside when the tide was low. we heard the waves and nothing else. and it was pitch black, so we couldn't see anything. sky, ocean, beach, tree, people...there was no difference because there was no light.

so when i was taking that silent sun nap and lingering between consciousness and somewhere else, my brain was generating images of that tree and my typewriter and that conversation in the meadow.

when i woke up i felt: small and connected.

on families, mispronunciation, gays, bad luck, and planetary action

families:

i attended my third birth on wednesday, august 4th. this one was extra special to me because the new baby has two mamas. everything went smoothly. birth mama had an epidural, so she and her partner napped for a few hours while i ate cupcakes and read trashy celebrity magazines. then she woke up and popped out a 9 lbs. baby girl like it ain't no thang. they were all beautiful. another little leo in the world, making a grand entrance with cocorosie playing in the background. they brought a little magazine clipping about these gay penguins at a zoo who wanted to parent so badly, they kept stealing everyone else's eggs. finally, the zoo gave them some abandoned eggs to hatched and they turned out to be the best penguin parents in the whole zoo.

this past week my family came to visit. we are a much different family than the one described above. this was the first time i've seen them in over a year and i remember why i don't visit them more often (as if i could forget). they still lecture me about everything, like that time i was 13 and didn't finish my antibitotics. (sorry, okay! sorry! i can't still be sorry 12 years later...sorry, world for the super germs and everything...).

we hold hands and pray before every meal. in public. i just keep my eyes open and sigh. they tell god what they won't tell me. "let becca now that we are proud of her and that we love her..." why don't they just let me know? why is it god's job? my dad pronounces the "l" in salmon. this is very embarassing because it's a word you say a lot in seattle. he will not be corrected.

i kept them busy. i tried to be positive. we had a bbq at the park and all my friends came to meet the family. "you're family's so adorable!" "oh they were really nice!" is what my friends said. i was hyper aware of every f-bomb dropped and worried about whether i should tell them that they're socializing with somone i'm kind of dating...

gays:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day the court rules prop 8 unconstitutional. i know we have a long way to go, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and two gay victories made it an extra special day.

my little sister and i talked about my coming out letter for the first time. i told her everything and she was so impressively open and non-judgmental. she said, "i'm glad you told us. i think you did the right thing." she's smart. she's too smart for her high school and for our town. here, we went to youth readings and art walks and outdoor movies and restaurants together. i want to rescue her from ohio.

bad luck:

my purse got stolen last week from a bar. at first, i tried to have faith in humanity and thought that perhaps someone had taken it by mistake. then they started using my cards and my phone. then i got really cynical and told everyone, even the lady who cut my hair. i wanted the world to pity me. who does that? how to such shitty people exist? people who make multiple $50 purchases at the chevron in renton?

planetary action:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day that saturn, venus, and mars are all visible together in the sky. i haven't seen them yet. the night before, there were solar flares the reflected in such a way that you were supposed to be able to see the northern lights from seattle. we were already in bed, but we made ourselves get up and drive around to look for them. all we saw was weird lightning in the east. maybe it was the solar flares?

this week the persiads peaked. i didn't see them. it's too light in the city and i was too tired to stay up past 11pm. but on our way home the other night, claudia, idil, and i stopped in a park and found some people looking through a high-powered telescope. they were looking at jupiter and its moons. we could see four of the moons. jupiter has at least 63 moons.

brush with fame

okay, before i forget, things i will make when i live in a kitchen i can use:

• pickles
• bread
• cheese
• granola
• ketchup
• salad dressing
• hummus
• eggs (and by that i mean get chickens!)
• a garden

i'm in major house crushdom right now. this morning i looked at this charming, adorable 'lil house right in the neighborhood where i want to be with hardwood floors and a big island in the kitchen and a deck and a backyard with so many green things and even a tiny itty bitty pond. we'll see if they offer it to us, but even so, fantasizing about becca, the super diy homemaker, are making my heart flutter. giving up all of my extra-curriculars to stay home and make shit. delicious shit that i can eat...mmm...stay tuned for updates.

so on monday i was walking down the street and i saw a penny heads up. i'm not as superstitious as you probably think, but i like to pretend i believe...usually i see the penny, pause to evaluate, decide whether i'm happy with my life, and act accordingly. if nothing else, it's a good exercise in counting my blessings. generally, i decide to leave the penny for someone less fortunate than i, and hopefully in exchange for a bit of good karma (which i also don't believe in as much as you probably think...*ahem*).

but monday, i picked the penny up, 'cause that's how things have been going and i can use all the help i can get. and then i kept finding pennies this week.

four pennies! heads up!

i took them all and tried not to feel greedy.

not that i'm saying there's a definite relationship between the pennies and my life, but my week did get more interesting.

first, i met ben affleck. well, i use the term "met" loosely. we exchanged pleasantries and i chuckled at a joke he made that i've heard before. he came to the factory for a meeting re: his non-profit organization in eastern congo. unfortunately, i didn't get the opportunity to discuss his work in the pbs mini-series voyage of the mimi, starring very young ben.

ah, memories of sixth grade. memories of learning about evolution for the very first time because the mimi crew went to the smithsonian and showed me how similar whale bone structure and bird bone structure are. fascinating! i couldn't believe no one had told me about this! of course, my mom wasn't too thrilled with my newfound knowledge when i told her, so we had a little bible study about creationism and how the devil speaks through science, etc. in my bedroom that evening. i felt horrible for being tricked and prayed about it a lot...but still ended up being an anthropology major. and i think it started, albeit a bit indirectly, with ben affleck. so you see, we would have had a lot to talk about. maybe next time.

on wednesday, i was on the local morning news for national milk chocolate day! this meant being at work at 4:30am and hanging out with the news crew for four whole hours. it meant standing at the bus stop with a tray of chocolate and trying not to think about the dozens of invisible viewers on the other side of the camera lens while i smiled awkwardly. it was a growing experience. more things i'd like to discuss with ben affleck: how to not be camera-shy. i won't post that link here 'cause it's embarrassing, but i'm sure you can find it if you want.

and yesterday, i finally redeemed my birthday gift certificate for ROLLER SKATES!!!!!!

that's right: real skates.

skates that i can skate outside in.

or in a rink.

or, someday, in....derby.

i took them out to green lake immediately and practiced, which means i found a tiny ten-foot unoccupied patch of sidewalk by the men's restroom and went back and forth at .0005 mph. the thing that's different about skating outside vs. inside is that, as previously mentioned, the only way i know how to brake is by running into wall. there is much too learn, but it's more fun to learn when you're giddy! tehehehehe!

other accomplishments this week: getting a changing table for the bathroom at work, going swimming twice even though seattle isn't giving me a proper summer, not breaking up with someone, playing music on the beach by a fire, changing my bike tire all by mahself, and helping tk exercise like i said i would.

thank you, goddesses of the lucky penny.

laundered

last night i had a dream that i feel should be super easy to interpret, but for some reason i am stumped.

i was driving my former housemate's prius (which i never did in real life; yikes! it was named 'space car' and i am terrified to touch nice things). she was the passenger. two roads diverged and i did not choose the one less traveled. the one that every other car was driving on was a GIANT-ASS HILL like this, only a thousand times bigger and steeper:



so steep and it went on forever and ever. and the hill had hills. i was afraid we couldn't do it, but hell, it's space car.

so i stepped on the gas and we followed the cars up giant-ass hill. the little hills on the big hill became like ramps and soon all the cars were flying through the air and landing back on the road.

that is until we did NOT land back on the road. at some point all the cars fell off and into the water below. no one was hurt. it was so ridiculous i think we might have even been laughing. just bobbing up and down in the water all bewildered...me thinking about how i would be in debt for the rest of my life, etc.



anyway, take a stab at that if you want.

not having a computer at home is a blessing and a curse. really. so what have i been up to this past month...?

well, i think we can all agree the past 30 days or so has been the tigeriest month in year of the tiger thus far. a real roller coaster, etc. personally, i haven't done most of those things i said i was gonna do in the last post to better myself. i went the mischief route and boy am i glad i did.

i have, however, cried a lot lately. that should have been one of my goals so i could check it off the 'ol list. cried 'cause liz left us (miss you miss you miss you!), cried 'cause i read a sad book, cried 'cause i was pmsing while reading said book, and 'cause i wanted to quit my job: you know, the usual things that people cry about. i'm straying far away from the bi-annual bawling. perhaps the tragic new year tear explosion was a good catalyst...maybe it started melting my heart of stone. huh.

and all the crying happened in the midst of pride, my best birthday ever (i got roller skates!!!), the liz move, my long weekend trip to explore the queer scene of minneapolis, and me getting sick yet again.

so here i am. in the middle of seattle non-summer (this is not summer). being all unsettled and unsure of my next move. fantasizing about the future, mostly being depressed about the present.

hmm...let's see what life has been like through the most recent images on my picture phone:

my big news of the month is that when liz left, she kindly sold me here mattress, so for the very first time in my whole entire life, i have a grown-up size bed!! seriously! it's so exciting! i want to be on it alllll the time.

and i was able to donate old twin mattress to a good cause:

oh, look what i saw at the grocery!:



really? antioxidant?! really? is this legal??

k, now this is what megan recently did this to me and it ended up being my new favorite thing ever: she took her fresh warm out of the dryer laundry and dumped it all over my lucky body!!! wow! bliss! heaven! why didn't anyone tell me about this before??


lastly, less recently, just for nostalgia, we have the last moment i remember being at peace. peace that rivals the bliss of being covered in a pile of clean, warm clothes:

not a bob ross painting folks, but the hoh-freakin'-rainforest. sometime in january. watching the salmon spawn.

bearing down

to stop doing/habits to break:

• complaining about how messy my kitchen is
• revealing all of my secrets
• calling people i shouldn't call (this includes texting people i shouldn't text, emailing people i shouldn't email, makingeyesatgettingdrinkshuggingkissingcuddlingdirtydancingwith, etc.
• buying lunch
• eating chocolate for lunch
• buying things (this includes drinks, ebay items, vintage lingerie, etc.)
• overbooking
• self-loathing

to start doing/habits to form:

• eating more vegetables
• taking care of myself
• helping my cat tk exercise
• enjoying people

i know i just did a cleanse, but these things just need to happen for good. for my good, for your good, for final good.

yesterday i attended my second birth. i won't write about it in great detail like the last one, but it's making me think about things just as much. the labor was over 20 hours. she did everything right, but in the end, after 4 hours of pushing, her pelvic arch ended up being too narrow to let the baby pass and she ended up having a c-section. she also ended up having a beautiful, healthy baby.

i have a lot to process about the whole experience, but today i'd like to talk about pushing. the way she pushed with an epidural was ridiculously powerful. an epidural numbs you from the waist down...so normally you feel an uncontrollable urge to push and you make these really loud, incredible noises and keep your eyes open. but when you are numb they have to tell you when to push, even though you can't really feel what's going on in your body. you have to do it differently; holding your breath and closing your eyes.

this mama was a model, goldstar pusher. but a lot of women push wrong (at least in the beginning). it's really difficult to focus the power in the right place, so it's pretty common for women to do something called diffused pushing; they overstrain and the energy goes all over their bodies and makes them tense. it's exhausting and it doesn't move the baby down...the only thing is does is hurt, frustrate you, and wear your body out.

what helps with this problem is visualization of the baby moving down and out. sometimes imaginary, and sometimes with an actual mirror so you can see the head crowning. and that can be all it takes.

diffused pushing: that's pretty much how i feel i'm living right now. i'm definitely using a lot of energy, but i think it's just exhausting me, but going to god knows where...all the wrong places. so i want to think things more strategically. or more intentionally. and with more focus. efficiency.

i'll spare you and not get carried away with the analogy, which i am fully aware is kind of cheesy to begin with (but if you're interested, i think i could develop it quite nicely...something about a metaphorical mirror and a metaphorical head crowning and--tehe, stopping now.), but at any rate, there it is.

hence the list.

however, all of this self-improvement is complicated by a few things: i'm not on call for a whole month, pride is in two weeks, my birthday is the next week, fourth of july the next week, possible weekend trip to minneapolis the next week...a lot of trouble around the corner. and i already kicked things off last night with a strong drink which led to: dancing to bad pop music, a party under a bridge, a marching band, a belly dancer, toooo many text messages, an abandoned building with abandoned files, the lusty lady, and a talk on the front porch until 7:30am.

just sayin'.

don't expect me to be a saint or anything. gotta get my kicks.

circle of cool

well, i'm sick again. damnit. i was just sick in february, when i posted those adorable 'lil flipbooks from my sick den. my time budget only allows sickness to happen once a year, so this is unacceptable. i'm constantly raving about my strong immune system (always followed by knocking on wood, of course) and this is the appreciation i get. betrayal!

this time the sick itself isn't so bad. i think i'm more or less nipping it in the bud with tea, sleep, garlic, emergen-c, and liz's hippie cold drugs. but the timing of the sick is bad. 'cause i'm supposed to help a baby get born any day now! and i have to interview four people for jobs tomorrow!

it's no surprise. year of the tiger has been kicking my ass... i have marched forth SO boldly. i have shat rather than getting off the pot! it's been good and it's been fun, but i've been getting myself into a bit of trouble lately because i've gained so much momentum and i can't stop! i'm running down a giant hill of crazy and the only way to stop is to fall on my ass! hard...so maybe it's not betrayal; maybe it's the universe tripping me for my own good, trying to stop me while i'm ahead.

wednesday, after eating roughly half a gallon of rocky road ice cream, i went roller skating. it was adult skate night. my goal fir the evening was to learn how to brake: first step to roller derbydom. i quickly realized that my goal was too lofty and adjusted it accordingly. new evening goal: try to make upper body less awkward. small steps. i was doing just fine and even well until the lights came on and the hokey pokey started. i knew it was beyond my skill level, so for half the song i resisted the urge to join and just kept skating in circles. but at some point that year or the tiger impulse i've been feeding just pulled me into the center. jesus christ! i don't know what i was thinking. i mean, i wasn't. that's the whole problem with me lately. no consequential thinking skillz. so i skated into the middle and, predictably, ate shit. and almost pulled my friend down with me. and flashed the whole rink (full of very cool people...some derby girls, i'm sure) because i thought skating in a skirt would be cute.

no more tricks the rest of the night. i just concentrated on not falling again, hoping that someone would approach me at the end of the night. "say, we were watching you and you definitely have a lot of raw talentl. we see it in your eyes! come with us; we'll befriend you and teach you everything we know! and by the way, falling during hokey pokey: cute. very cute. *wink*"

...a girl can dream.

that's about all the blog-appropriate material i have for you today. i've been busy with many important things, such as: working 60 hours a week, helping lesbians move with a uhaul (tehe), kissing too many people for my own good, planning successful art walk events, giving celebrity chocolate factory tours, taking my boss's 14-year-old son to a lesbian bar to watch slam poetry, finally going to canada, finally going to queer canadian dance parties and dancing with a moustached lady, watching the sockit wenches kick ass at the championship bout, and, of course, being sick and lonely.

sick. alone. by myself. by my lonesome.

*sniffle*

*weak cough*

(psst! cue for everyone to bring me movies and backrubs and cuddle with me while we watch the movies you brought...)

gay EXPLOSION

oh hi. guess what, invisible readers? i'm QUEER!

you probably already knew that, but writing it on a public blog feels so liberating because today is my

COMING OUT TO THE FAMILY DAY!!

here's the story...

my family is not okay with the gays. growing up, my dad would change the channel whenever anything slightly gay came on tv. he would say "ahh, that's disgusting." he swore he'd never watch another robin williams movie after the birdcage came out (tehe). we boycotted disney in like 1999 because gay people work there (or something)...that level of homophobia. they are 100% christian, conservative, midwestern...i'm actually not sure they've ever (knowingly) met a queer person. defintely unaware that the gays are among us. they are among us (creepy scary music).


well. at one point i considered never telling them at all...i knew it would make them sad, etc. and we live miles and miles away anyway...and i wasn't dating anyone, and excuses excuses blah blah blah.

lately though, i've been able to come up with fewer reasons not to tell them. and it's become a heavier burden as time goes on...and i have no shame and guilt about it. whatever--i just didn't need that albatross 'round the neck (i'd rather have it tattooed on my arm...coming soon). so for the good of myself, the good of the movement, and (ultimately) for the good of my parents, i decided to suck it up and out myself.

my first idea was to send them a big cake that said "i'm gay!" short, to the point, funny...and you get to eat the cake! cake softens the blow. if you ever have something difficult to tell me, it will be better received written on a cake.



shipping a cake to ohio seemed tricky. plus i don't think they would have appreciated the thought. so i decided on letters. one for mom, one for dad, one for 15-year-old sis. gave myself a deadline, wrote the letters, and dropped them in one of those blue mailboxes monday so i couldn't change my mind and dig them out. or at least it'd be really difficult too.

so all week i've been waiting. imagining worst case scenarios. biting nails. not sleeping. etc.

luckily i've been housesitting this week for one of my coworkers in my dream house with a front porch, wisteria, a sauna, and chickens! it's been peaceful. i've been smoking many a tragic cigarette on the porch. sharing my woes with the chickens.

yesterday i was sauna-ing and contemplating how i could convince kate to let me have her house...i came upstairs, checked my phone, and there is was: shit hitting fan.

my mom is kind of a mess, predictably. she's texting me with all sorts of questions and says she loves me, which is great. she also says this was the last thing she EVER expected to hear from me (wow...really? the last thing? the hairy legs, short hair, facial piercings, feminist politics, not dating men thing didn't tip you off even a teeny bit?). she wasn't ready to phone talk, but my phone was blowing up with texts all night. she says dad is calmer, which can't be good...leo/virgo cusp. yikes. and claudia hasn't been home to read her letter, which they might not give her, which is a bad decision on their part, which they'll realize on their own so i'm not too worried. claudia mad at mom and dad = maybe an extra point for me.

so all evening i had this crazy, unpredictable energy. at one point i was trying to make myself eat and i dropped a salsa jar on the kitchen floor. it shatter and exPLODed everywhere. all over. so i screamed and swore a lot and stripped off my salsa clothes down to my underwear and had to take EVERYTHING out of the fridge to clean it and walk outside to the garbage can in my underwear and it was terrrrribllleeeee.

but then i drank half a bottle of wine and felt better.

then i convinced of my friends who were feeling bad for me to come gay it up at changes karaoke night, where they love me and gave me free whiskey and told me how proud they were and said i did a good job singing "i think we're alone now."

a night out in the gayborhood and a hangover later, i'm a million times better.

and now that cat's out of the bag, i can tell EVERYONE! so spread the word and get ready for this blog to get gayer. i can write whatever i want.

like, about pretty ladies!

and...how i just bought the gayest flannel there ever was (see below).



and how i'm going to doula for a queer couple in july! lesbian babies!

and how much fun pride is gonna be.

any goddamn GAY thing i want to write about.

thanks to everyone who's supported me. thank you, urban family. thank you, boss and coworkers. thank you, malinda. thank you, changes, seattle's best gay bar. i love you all.

seek and ye shall find

"you will find it soon becca and it will look different than you expected."

if you are the mystery person who sent me this cryptic text on sunday, i'm very intrigued. like, very super intrigued.

perhaps you aren't a person at all, but just phone spam, although it doesn't appear so.

perhaps you were talking about something i actually lost, like...that old bike key. or all of the april tour deposit receipts at work. or that amazing christian coloring book page i had hanging in my room.

i found it in my house. this shit is authentic, from my childhood and everything. it was a drawing of a little boy with a cross on his t-shirt and weird boots, scratching his head. beside him were three pictures: a church, a hospital, and joe's bar. the heading of the page was: "which is the bad place? color it black!" it was absolutely perfect and i wanted it forever. and now *sniffle*...gone. not replaceable. i have been trying not to get upset about it and focus on not being attached to material items and how i will always have that image in heart. (but i'm still upset about it, actually.)

anyway...i guess i wouldn't mind finding something i've already lost. but if that's the case, i hope it looks how i expect. otherwise, it may no longer be of value to me.

perhaps you are just playing a 'lil trick on me. or you thought i would enjoy the fortune from your fortune cookie.

OR

my favorite possibility

is that you are elaborately scheming. that this is part one of a scavenger hunt. that there are more clues to follow. clues that will lead to wonderful, magical, unexpected things!

if this is you and this is what you're up to, here are some ideas on how to end said scavenger hunt:









just sayin'.

wafflehome

my favorite thing from the store comment box today. i want you all to really think about this and take it personally:

i like your style. thanks for being here today.

mercury report: personally, my distaster preparedness was fairly effective. i lost my keys once for a few hours. and had a few communication hiccups. it was everyone else who seemed to have a shitty time. sicknesses, stress, family deaths...bad things. but it's over. for the time being.

of course, plenty of good things happened. babies wearing eggplant hats. leading a giant group hokey-pokey. dancing around an illegal firepit for beltane. napping in my overalls on a boat. freckles emerging. april teaching me the best way to eat a strawberry (which i've been telling everyone). drag kings. grilled pineapple. the stuff summer's made of...

i just had a high school gal job shadow me. me!? i wonder if she really aspires to be a retail manager. she doesn't seem super passionate about...anything, actually. she asked me what i would do differently if i could start my career path over again. i said, more or less, "mmm...aside from my student loans. nothing. geez. i'm happy with my life."

i'm happy with my life!! maybe i'm just giddy because it's sunny and warm out or because we did all those hip openers in yoga last night (and that's really where i store my emotional blech).

either way. i have open hips and i love everything. playin' outside playin' outside playin' outside here i goooooooo

end and beginning

beginning:

wednesday at 12:45pm i saw a baby get born. i had an amazing close-up view 'cause i was standing on the right side of mama, holding her leg back while she pushed for an hour. (i was going to put photos of babies crowning to show you how beautiful it all was, but then i remembered that maybe not everyone wants to see that...so, you're welcome.)



my favorite part of the whole experience? everything. i liked everything. i was there for 11 of the 14 hours of labor. it was totally natural and mama, partner, and i were in sync and in our bodies and intuition. we were being present and breathing together through every rush (better word than contraction...).

i liked the noises. i liked that they just came from somewhere within her. they were so powerful they gave me goosebumps. and everything was quiet and peaceful in between.

i liked the pushing. the sounds were especially moving during this part. the midwife brought in a mirror when the baby's head was crowning and mama looked into the mirror and had fire in her eyes and made the most beautiful, terrifying, human sounds i've ever heard. this is the part where i secretly cried a little.

i liked that she reached down to touch his head to give her strength. then she dug her fingers into my arm again for the next push and i had baby juice on me. but it wasn't disgusting. it was more like...baptism.

i liked the pure, raw awe that happened when they held the new baby. i liked when the baby found her nipple and she just kept saying "he's so beautiful. he's so perfect. he's so perfect."

i liked the placenta and i liked videotaping and i liked biking to the hospital at 1:45am and stopping at the gas station to get them coffee and steamed milk.

i liked everything.

immediately after, i called my mom to thank her. and i felt totally intoxicated walking down the street. partly because i was so sleep-deprived, but mostly i couldn't stop grinning because i felt so...connected.

no matter how i try to explain it, it sounds ridiculous and woowoo, so bear with me or skip this part. i'll just say that it made everything so clear. and i understood why we do anything we do and what it means to be a person and how simultaneously fragile and temporary, yet strong and eternal we are. i learned something about being a woman and something about being a man and something about tenderness and purpose.

end:

my cleanse is over. in the end, i cared a lot less about it. i guess it was a good thing to do, but i decided against the liver flush. i want to enjoy food.

i want to eat delicious things and hang out with wonderful people and be okay with it all and smell every lilac tree i pass because lilac season is so short and i always miss it when it's over.

here's a quote from harold and maude, one of the best movies ever. then i will be done writing sappy bullshit and go outside and play:

"vice? virtue? It's best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life. aim above morality. as Confucius says, 'don't simply be good. make good things happen.'"

yeah, that's damn right.

and they're all make out of pickles.

day 15 of me being particularly wholesome and vice-free. although i did eat a piece of bread last week and that made everything harder. bread= gateway vice.

also, my house is full of 400 POUNDS of chocolate right now, so i can't even get away from sugar when i'm not at work.



we saved 575lbs of cherry almond and mint dark (vegan) chocolate from its dumpster fate, and now i'm twisting everyone's arm to take some. if you are reading this and you live in seattle and you do NOT have at least one of these boxes in your posession, you must take one. if you are a true friend. please.

i wish there were more exciting things to write, but now that i'm so virtuous, all i really do is go to yoga and fall asleep at 10pm. well, also i go to roller derby and poetry slams and parade around the city singing "bad romance" with an accordion...


(he is playing while driving, yes)

...and eat burritos in the park on a sunny day and have my own private spa at hothouse and drink mud shakes and watch documentaries on a giant projector screen. and go to the tuliptown. it was like being inSIDE a bob ross painting:


(above is actually the tulip festival, not a bob ross painting...seriously.)








here is a broken tulip...in the 1600s in holland, a single bulb of a specific kind of broken tulip was more expensive than a fancy schmance house on the canal...then they found out the bulb looked that way 'cause it had a virus and the economy crashed and everyone got mad and started destroying all the tulips. oops:



life lesson learned the hard way by the rich dutch tulip fanatics of the 1600s: things aren't always what they seem. think about it. and if you're going to spend a shit-ton of money, buy a house, not an infected bulb. iesh. you can't live in a bulb.

well anyway, mercury is in retrograde. we'll see how my disaster preparedness works for me or if the universe is just going to make life more difficult to show me i can't outsmart it.

...i'm writing this whole entry to distract myself...my doula client just lost her mucus plug, which sounds disgusting, but is very exciting to me. it means i get to welcome new life into the world any day now...any minute now...*bites fingernails anxiously*...

flow

saturday someone told me that it's bad bedroom feng shui to have your bed against the wall and your head under a window. bah! mine is both of these things! plus, i have a trash can in my room, which apparently is also bad energy.

then last night i had a creepily vivid dream that i was having a baby. the dream was so long and emotional; at one point i was at the hospital in labor and the doctor reached inside of me and couldn't find the baby. then she found his foot and he started crying while he was still up in there. and he pressed his whole body up against my belly...you could see his face and hands and feet. *shudder* well i think there are plenty of reasons to explain why i'm having baby dreams, but nonetheless, when i woke up this morning, i decided it was time to rearrange my room.

if you've ever visited my shoebox of a room, you know i have very limited space to work with. i did what i could, but there's so much to think about and i know absolutely nothing about feng shui. internet searches direct me to sites with helpful, reliable-sounding information like: "Avoid the overhead beams, the low side of a slanted ceiling, sharp angles from interior corners, and an overhead fan in a room with a low ceiling are some of the common Feng Shui bed room tips that you can find in any Feng Shui book or web site. Beyond that, would you like to learn how to get rich without winning the lottery? If so, please click here." hmm...beyond that, i wouldn't mind getting rich by winning the lottery, either.

today was day 1 of my detox/de-vice. damn, i forgot how hard it is not to eat chocolate when you spend 9 hours a day in a chocolate factory. tomorrow, i start my psyllium husk-bentonite clay milkshakes to scrape out my intestines. if you think that sounds repulsive, you're right. i haven't even had one yet and i'm already gagging. so i'm supposed to drink these "shakes" twice a day for 30 days, then it'll be time for that extra-repulsive liver/gall flush....it's gonna be a long month. i better feel like a million dollars when this is over....like i've won the lottery...or gotten rich without winning the lottery 'cause i clicked on that sketchy feng shui link...

mmm, i love me some self-improvement in small, strong doses!

but i'm mostly focused and in it to win it; this weekend i got all funny business out of my system by frolicking around a park, looking for easter eggs. after wandering around a rainy park dressed in my deviled egg halloween costume, we returned home for "hoppy hour:" lots of ipa and rabbit stew. lots of delicious. and egg salad, of course. which was also delicious. and chocolate. everything was magical: we ate and ate and ate and played music and ate and told stories and ate until we all fell asleep and lived hoppily ever after...

p.s. i played a funny april fool's (fools? fools'? i never know how to properly punctuate that because they could all make sense, i guess) day joke on my tour thursday! i had them all take a bite of "mystery chocolate" and guess the flavor...then i told them we were experimenting with flavors inspired by the countries from where we source our beans and that they were the first test audience for the grasshopper bar. bah hahaha! APRIL FOOLS!

p.p.s. i got overalls at a clothing swap and i'm never taking them off.

becca spring cleaning

these are the orginal bob ross paintings. the first is called "colors o!" but i couldn't find it on the internetz...so here's a similar one that has similar trees:



and this is called "waves of wonder". at this point, most people present lost patience with our slow internet connection and started taking their world to the next level. you'll see:



and here are the paint-along interpretations:











it's our world!...and my cat is real cute. and he plays the kazoo.



i will be doing this a lot more often. probably more by myself, or with just a few other people, or with more wine in me.

***

other than that, i'm preparing for a giant cleanse of body and soul. starting on easter, right after "naked girls reading." i will be healthy and stop drinking and get rid of all of my vices at once...and go to yoga and meditate and be extra, extra nice and loving to all people everywhere. i'm also going to do this crazy liver/gallbladder cleanse that dustin told me about that involves epsom salt, olive oil, lemon juice, and "pooping like a goose" to get all my gallstones out and improve my bile flow. doesn't that sound magical? plus, i'm going to work on my rollerskating skillz so i can start skating to work. i will keep my room tidy and finally do my taxes and send out all those letters that i wrote on my typewriter.

i will, however, keep eating aloha sliders from the marination mobile that parks outside of work on wednesdays. it's really why i go to work on wednesdays. mmmlllllrrrrrrgggggg (sounds of delicious)...

catz bein' catz

i always salt my food before i taste it. i can just tell by looking at it that it needs more salt. and i'm right.

i also have very good intuition and judge of character. so i can usually tell when you're trying to sell me something and/or if you're a sleazeball. good luck getting me to change my mind.

everything with a grain of salt...but the mindfuckery is still powerful, emotional, exhausting...eye-twitchingly awful. almost two weeks of twitchy left eye now. according to my research, this could mean bad luck, good luck, i'm going to meet someone new, i'll be mourning for someone, or stress and fatigue. but there's nothing i can do to stop it.

finally my cats are picking up on my emotional state and comforting me, like cats are supposed to. tk slept in my bed two nights in a row. now he's cuddling with me. maybe i have to be really sad and drink a lot of rum and pass out watching the l word before they think it's severe enough to step in.

the grind.

i'm an impressive lady. at least my babysittee/'lil kindred spirit bean thinks so. she thinks so because i put a cheerio in my palm and said, "hey, watch my anteater impression!" then sucked it up and it disappeared. she thought that was pretty damn funny. one of my many tricks. then we both made up new words to old songs.

my win something/lose something pattern continues. it kind of sucks, but then suddenly it's nice again...and then it sucks, etc. bluegrass band jam at house, lose my house keys...cry at work, get to doula for a magician...replace lost debit card, get rejected, lose recently found bike key yet again, forget to pack lunch, make baby laugh by pretending to be anteater...it's a mixed bag.

the other night, while watching cinderella, we were presented with a dilemma: idil's friend had an injured-but-alive mouse that had been attacked by his cat. mouse was clearly suffering and needed to be put out of its misery. but how?

"put it in a bag and slam it against the wall!"
"drown it."
"no, just break its neck!"
"put it under the wheel of your car and run over it...then you don't have to touch it or watch it die..."
"when my parents were too poor to take their dying hamster to the vet, they gave it an overdose of aspirin...um, i don't know how you would get the mouse to take the aspirin..."

it was horrible. more horrible because the mice in cinderella wear clothes and talk. imagining gus in any of the above scenarios made me feel sick.

sometimes doing the right thing feels like shit.

shelly says there's always a reason

it's the year of the tiger, which means:

OX: 29% (2 favorable and 10 unfavorable months)

You could have a measure of good luck this year...On the other hand you might as well be prepared to face some challenges. Tiger style is not conducive to your peace of mind. This is not the time to march forth boldly into battle heedless of the consequences. You will have to pick your fights and show much restraint if you want to be successful overall. You are only likely to have two great months this year; make sure to take advantage of the opportunities they provide. The rest of the time you need to tone down your efforts and press ahead carefully with ongoing projects.

err....maybe i should stop reading the internetz. TWO favorable months? it's NOT time to march forth boldly?!

this just after i declared this year's theme: shit or get off the pot. i'm already marching forth boldly, dammit! sorry, tiger, no can stop.

extreme successes, glorious failures.

i found my bike key, finally...and lost my debit card.

becca intuition forecasts a lot of similar trades to come. so maybe in the end i'll come out even.

powers

i have accidentally tapped into a magical brain power. or at least something that feels like a magical brain power.

not like times i've tried to access magical brain power in the past. remember in elementary school when you finished a test and you had to sit there until everyone else was done? i always finished early, so i'd set my pencil on my desk, stare at it, and try to move it with my magical brain powers. this never worked.

but lately, when i release a thought into the universe, it has been coming back to me like a boomerang...only upon its return, the thought becomes real: a person, an opportunity, or sometimes a lunch item.

kind of creepy, eh? i wonder if it's temporary. or if i have any control over these magical brain powers. regardless, i suppose i should be especially careful what i think.

maybe i should give that pencil thing another go, too...

somewhat related, i attended my first birth tonight at the hospital. the opportunity came out of nowhere, unless you count all the antsy thoughts i've had this week regarding my stagnant doula career.

when i got the call i pulled out my notes and started cramming and nervously smoking a cigarette on my porch. so much to think about! when do i use the birthing ball? what do i do if they try to give her pitocin? at how many centimeters do i stop touching her and only ask her yes or no questions? gah! nerves, nerves, nerves...

it turns out, like i knew but couldn't feel, it was fine. we connected beautifully. slow dancing was her labor position of choice. also breathing out with horse lips helped her a lot, especially when i did it with her.

it was really something, swaying and blowing raspberries for hours and hours together, her big baby belly up against my empty one.

god, i can't believe life starts like that.

two man stories

the other day i went to flair tacos for lunch. it's not that good, but it is the closest place to work. the thing that makes it less good is that it's somehow supposed to be a burlesque taco truck and i have never seen anything burlesque happen there. Fully clothed middle aged men always serve me. once i ordered a veggie taco with beans

and the man said, "you know the beans are cooked in LARD."
me: "okay. fine."
him: "in fact, probably all beans you've had were cooked in LARD."
me: "that's fine. i want them."
him: "so NOT vegetarian, eh? cooked in LARD. not as healthy as you think. *mutter mutter* all vegetarians trying to be healthy with their beans."
me: "i want them! i don't care! i only have a half hour lunch break! give me the lard beans!"

anyway, i digress...

despite flair taco's failure to provide burlesque and lard-free beans (not to mention rancho bravo's superior food quality and closerness to my house), i really wanted to tell a story about a different, nicer (also fully clothed) man i met in line the other day. he was old. with that nice wispy old man hair that i really like on old men. so we were in line and we both spotted a penny on the ground at the same time.

him: "oh, a penny!"
me: "oh, and it's heads up!"
him: "that's good luck."
me: "you should pick it up."
him: *chuckle* "oh no, i already have good luck. you should take it."
me: "mmm...actually, i've been having pretty damn good luck myself."
him: *wink* "well, we'll leave it for someone else."

so we did.

i saw another heads-up penny in front of my house on the way to the bus stop today. it's still there, if you're interested.

antsy smashpants!

hi there.

since we last spoke, i have acquired many new obsessions and restructured my five- year plan. with so many new year's resolutions, it's hard to believe, right? i know. but alas.

it all started with an empowering weekend...

first, we went to the miss indigo blue academy of burlesque alumni show, which started with non-disney princesses and ended with fried egg pasties.



then, i saw my first EVER roller derby.



i expected to like it...fine, medium, okay. i'm not that competitive, i don't like sports, so...

holy heartfailure! why didn't anyone TELL me about this before?? i did not expect to LOVE IT. i did not expect to NEED TO DO IT! i did not expect to not be able to stop thinking about it. so now all i need to do is: buy some skates, relearn to skate, learn to skate well, maybe get some more tattoos, and nurture that teeny tiny competitive seed that must live somewhere inside me. it must live somewhere inside me, because it was about to burst out of my heart on sunday. it spoke to me from within. it said, "becca, this is your destiny! incorporate roller derby into your five-year plan! call yourself 'beverly crusHer*'!" those voices are not to be ignored.

this leaves me with a lot of work to do, on top of my pre-existing life, which suddenly seems bland, meaningless, and annoyingly time-consuming.

so i have all that to think about and suddenly, 15 years after the rest of the world, i discovered ebay. there is so much cheap shit to be had! and it feeds my teeny tiny internal competitive seed. i want everything. i want things i didn't know i wanted. lingerie, feathery things for my hair, instruments, typewriters...i want roller skates! and, more so, i want to outbid!

meanwhile, i'm getting more and more anxious to see a baby be born! good god!

so much waiting...so much to be done...

of course right in the midst of my brilliant plan of action and newly discovered passions, my almost-yearlong streak of healthiness comes to an abrupt stop and common cold kicks my daydreaming ass. hard. like...stay home a few days hard. damnit. i clearly don't have time for this!

antsy antsy antsy!!!

*lamentably, this name has already been taken. curses! if you have any name suggestions for me, (burlesque, derby, or otherwise) please share.