seriously.
human beings are drama. but apparently so are lightning bugs. if only our asses glowed in such a way...
30 October 2008
29 October 2008
untitled
october is orange, anxious, and shifty. especially shifty.
i keep trying to zoom out, zoom out, zoom out, but for some reason i can't. i'm here, stuck in it. i'm not sure if this makes me fully present or fully trapped.
the other night i stopped by the pet store on my way home and spent $43 on accessories for my hermit crab. i remodeled her crabitat and installed a salt water pebble pond in the middle. then i bathed her, watched her eat a chunk of dehydrated apple, and encouraged her to move into the pink shell if she's going to switch anytime soon. she only cost $4, so at first it seemed ridiculous. but babies are the same way: free to make, expensive to maintain.
love makes us crazy.
i keep trying to zoom out, zoom out, zoom out, but for some reason i can't. i'm here, stuck in it. i'm not sure if this makes me fully present or fully trapped.
the other night i stopped by the pet store on my way home and spent $43 on accessories for my hermit crab. i remodeled her crabitat and installed a salt water pebble pond in the middle. then i bathed her, watched her eat a chunk of dehydrated apple, and encouraged her to move into the pink shell if she's going to switch anytime soon. she only cost $4, so at first it seemed ridiculous. but babies are the same way: free to make, expensive to maintain.
love makes us crazy.
24 October 2008
cedar
danii's baby has emerged from the womb!! i have no idea how to feel at this point, no idea how to comprehend his dna being made of danii and tyler's, or how to wrap my head around my friends being parents...and tiny human beings, tiny, tiny little human beings with those tiny little fingers and fingernails and that little mouth...i haven't even see him and i already feel like crying just thinking about it. not sad nor happy tears...this overwhelming emotion of everything, of human existence and what it means to be new, and what's ahead and what's behind, and how everyone is suddenly a grown-up, how this new life is being carried around in swollen bellies going about their daily routines, how this baby is a scorpio, how milk comes out of breasts, and how the baby is a real human being.
the after party
all i can do is make lists in my brain. when i'm showering or waiting for the bus or packing chocolate spooky skulls or riding my bike. i think of all the things i need and want and wish i could do. and then when i finally have access to a pen, they're gone.
you know when you're talking to someone and completely lose a thought and the person with whom you're talking says, "well if it's important, you'll remember it eventually"? no. i disagree. i've lost a lot of important thoughts forever. such as said brain lists.
or maybe eventually just hasn't happened yet, and all these brilliant (really, they're brilliant) thoughts are hanging out together in some forgotten corner of my head and the day will come when i find out how to access that part of my mind...that day will sure be intense.
meanwhile, i've been living the seattle young adult social dream of going to shows, shows, and shows. by monday i'll have gone to three in one week, which is probably more than i've gone to total since i've moved here. and speaking of being hip...when i've gotten dressed lately i no longer find myself able to wear colors and skirts and layers. i wear dark clothes. and pants. no color. and i'm wearing what i want to wear. this disturbs me.
the next show i'm going to is yelle, french electropop, tektonic. here it is:
my housemates and i are determined to learn how to dance like this by the day of the concert. we practiced tonight in our living room. i think the reason we were unsuccessful may be that we don't have sneakers that pump. we need pumpable sneakers.
lastly, i found out that someone i respect and admire also accidentally set fire to her blankets in a candle incident recently. it gave me hope.
i'm so very sore, but i can't stop dancing.
you know when you're talking to someone and completely lose a thought and the person with whom you're talking says, "well if it's important, you'll remember it eventually"? no. i disagree. i've lost a lot of important thoughts forever. such as said brain lists.
or maybe eventually just hasn't happened yet, and all these brilliant (really, they're brilliant) thoughts are hanging out together in some forgotten corner of my head and the day will come when i find out how to access that part of my mind...that day will sure be intense.
meanwhile, i've been living the seattle young adult social dream of going to shows, shows, and shows. by monday i'll have gone to three in one week, which is probably more than i've gone to total since i've moved here. and speaking of being hip...when i've gotten dressed lately i no longer find myself able to wear colors and skirts and layers. i wear dark clothes. and pants. no color. and i'm wearing what i want to wear. this disturbs me.
the next show i'm going to is yelle, french electropop, tektonic. here it is:
my housemates and i are determined to learn how to dance like this by the day of the concert. we practiced tonight in our living room. i think the reason we were unsuccessful may be that we don't have sneakers that pump. we need pumpable sneakers.
lastly, i found out that someone i respect and admire also accidentally set fire to her blankets in a candle incident recently. it gave me hope.
i'm so very sore, but i can't stop dancing.
21 October 2008
autumn becca
i know i said that seattle only has two seasons, but there is crescendo to the peak of winter and a decrescendo down into summer solstice. or the other way around...i'm not sure. i think the first way is what i'm feeling more tonight.
so i'm somewhere on that upward slope now: increasing anxiety, increasing darkness, increasing layers of clothing, increasing desire to hibernate, increasing time spent inside my own head. and it's crazy in there. just crazy.
i enjoy that i have seasons of self like the climate. the same way that i wish my menstrual cycle coincided with the full moon.
so i'm somewhere on that upward slope now: increasing anxiety, increasing darkness, increasing layers of clothing, increasing desire to hibernate, increasing time spent inside my own head. and it's crazy in there. just crazy.
i enjoy that i have seasons of self like the climate. the same way that i wish my menstrual cycle coincided with the full moon.
somedays i think it'd feel better, if i tried harder
well. i almost burned our new house down. i lit some candles on my window sill. candles i have lit before in the same place. candles that were lit for an hour last night, behaving quite nicely while i was in the room (or is it lighted? i lighted some candles? hmm...). then i popped out of the room to use the bathroom and suddenly hear liz shouting, "becca you're room's on fire!!" great. awesome. of course it is.
the damage: a cardboard stenciled poster salvaged from camp nowhere gone, carried out of the house by shana, who knew this would happen someday...and the blinds on the middle window of my east-facing wall. burned. melted.
now i'm awake on the only day i have to sleep in because it's not overcast and drizzly for once and the sun is blaring through my naked window.
on my break yesterday i read an article in the newspaper about three girls dying in a house fire. then i read the article next to it about how they misspelled ralph nader's name "nadar" on the ballot in vancouver. oops. then i read the obituaries.
so. tired. sun is behind cloud. will try to sleep before work.
the damage: a cardboard stenciled poster salvaged from camp nowhere gone, carried out of the house by shana, who knew this would happen someday...and the blinds on the middle window of my east-facing wall. burned. melted.
now i'm awake on the only day i have to sleep in because it's not overcast and drizzly for once and the sun is blaring through my naked window.
on my break yesterday i read an article in the newspaper about three girls dying in a house fire. then i read the article next to it about how they misspelled ralph nader's name "nadar" on the ballot in vancouver. oops. then i read the obituaries.
so. tired. sun is behind cloud. will try to sleep before work.
17 October 2008
humor
the reason i have overdue library books is not because i forget. i know exactly when they are due. it's just that i check them out and don't finish them, can't finish them, or can't start them.
today: i knew i would be going by the library twice. i knew i wouldn't read the books. but still i said, "maybe i'll read those books tonight. i'm not taking them back yet." that's why i have library fines.
swing shift is the worst shift here at shelter. here's why: when you arrive in the afternoon, the house is dead. then everyone comes home and the house is alive. there are meetings, there is laughter, there is bacon, there's a kid's birthday party. there is that hyperactive kid whose birthday it's not who tries to blow out the other kid's candles, then runs over to attack a pile of balloons with his mom chasing after him shrieking, "no! no! he likes to eat balloons! son of a gun, don't eat the ballooooooons!" there's me politely poking a piece of cake around a plate with my fork, trying not to interfere with bad parenting (even though i don't know what the fuck good parenting is). there's me listening and still not knowing what to say for the millionth time, so scared and ashamed of being 23, thinking that the world would make more sense if i was crying my eyes out to a 54 year old woman and she was telling me, "it's okay, you're safe now. look at what you've done for yourself! it'll be okay..." instead of the other way around.
and then, sudden silence. everyone's in bed and the house is dead. i'm listening to a girl talk about her boyfriend over the phone, tying to be affirming and present while i mindlessly perform my ritual of taping the eraser to my old desk drawer...layers and layers so the drawer will stay closed. clearly no one has done this since i left. we got disconnected. i hope she'd okay. silence. silence. empty sadness lingering. there are always insomniacs awake, but the house is dead again. so i've seen death, life, and death, and it's still my shift.
and my library books will be due in an hour. eleven hours ago, i was at the grocery store. i saw someone i wanted to avoid in the checkout line and ducked into the frozen food aisle just in time. a narrow escape. for some reason it made me feel like meg ryan in a lame-ass movie. who knows why...it just felt like something she would do. only in her effort to avoid said person, she probably would have backed into a display of canned peas stacked up in a pyramid, and they would have flown everywhere and she would have tripped on one and fallen down and everyone in the store would be staring at her in silence, including the person she was trying to avoid, who was probably someone she'd be in love with by the end of the movie, who would weirdly find those dumb awkward stunts she always pulls endearing.
i asked this 3-year-old if he had any good jokes to tell me. i need a good joke. he said, broccoli banana sweat! i asked if that was a food. he said, no, it's a joke. then laughed. he really thought it was funny.
today: i knew i would be going by the library twice. i knew i wouldn't read the books. but still i said, "maybe i'll read those books tonight. i'm not taking them back yet." that's why i have library fines.
swing shift is the worst shift here at shelter. here's why: when you arrive in the afternoon, the house is dead. then everyone comes home and the house is alive. there are meetings, there is laughter, there is bacon, there's a kid's birthday party. there is that hyperactive kid whose birthday it's not who tries to blow out the other kid's candles, then runs over to attack a pile of balloons with his mom chasing after him shrieking, "no! no! he likes to eat balloons! son of a gun, don't eat the ballooooooons!" there's me politely poking a piece of cake around a plate with my fork, trying not to interfere with bad parenting (even though i don't know what the fuck good parenting is). there's me listening and still not knowing what to say for the millionth time, so scared and ashamed of being 23, thinking that the world would make more sense if i was crying my eyes out to a 54 year old woman and she was telling me, "it's okay, you're safe now. look at what you've done for yourself! it'll be okay..." instead of the other way around.
and then, sudden silence. everyone's in bed and the house is dead. i'm listening to a girl talk about her boyfriend over the phone, tying to be affirming and present while i mindlessly perform my ritual of taping the eraser to my old desk drawer...layers and layers so the drawer will stay closed. clearly no one has done this since i left. we got disconnected. i hope she'd okay. silence. silence. empty sadness lingering. there are always insomniacs awake, but the house is dead again. so i've seen death, life, and death, and it's still my shift.
and my library books will be due in an hour. eleven hours ago, i was at the grocery store. i saw someone i wanted to avoid in the checkout line and ducked into the frozen food aisle just in time. a narrow escape. for some reason it made me feel like meg ryan in a lame-ass movie. who knows why...it just felt like something she would do. only in her effort to avoid said person, she probably would have backed into a display of canned peas stacked up in a pyramid, and they would have flown everywhere and she would have tripped on one and fallen down and everyone in the store would be staring at her in silence, including the person she was trying to avoid, who was probably someone she'd be in love with by the end of the movie, who would weirdly find those dumb awkward stunts she always pulls endearing.
i asked this 3-year-old if he had any good jokes to tell me. i need a good joke. he said, broccoli banana sweat! i asked if that was a food. he said, no, it's a joke. then laughed. he really thought it was funny.
16 October 2008
i wish i had a river
i have 77 days to finish my new year's resolutions.
resolutions i've accomplished thus far:
-learn to play the saw
-fix my bike
-ride my bike
-learn seattle geography
-find cheap happy hours
-become a little more hip (done by wearing fewer skirts, more skinny jeans)
-floss regularly
-join a book club (made book club--even better! double points!)
still need to do:
-learn to use sewing machine (in process...sewing bag for my saw)
-stop complaining (but is ridiculous expectation, as is so subjective/impossible!)
-go camping (definitely, and sadly, not happening)
-go to rainforest (sigh. again, not happening)
-make LED hula hoop (almost did this...then burned bridge)
-re-learn spanish, brush up on zulu, learn somali (ha! ambitious, becca)
-write more letters (maybe should go on first list. more than what? must not be so subjective with resolutions)
not bad, not bad. but as you can see, so much to be done. i'm trying to focus so hard on finishing 2008, but can't help but thinking of new ideas for 2009 resolutions...
i've been playing my staring game more lately. my staring game just involves...staring. i make eye contact with a stranger and maintain it until one of us looks away. whoever looks away first loses. this might be unfair, especially since the other player isn't aware of the rules. but sometimes i don't win. it's easiest to find another player at crosswalks when the light is red. my favorite, though, is when one party is on the bus and the other outside standing at the bus stop. whenever i play that way, i feel like they're really vulnerable and transparent, like i'm seeing something i'm not supposed to be seeing. and vice versa. so i usually get goosebumps and lose.
there are only two seasons in seattle.
joni mitchell is not helping me write this.
do you know what a scotcharoo is? i still haven't met anyone here who knows what a scotcharoo is. i feel sort of like i'm from outer space and sort of like i miss something about people who know what scotcharoos are and sort of like if i meet someone who knows what they are i might have to leave and go somewhere else.
there is some secret i'm hesitating to tell you. this isn't it: shana (with whom i formerly shared a wall) and i are saving up to buy a home planetarium projector. we'll lie on the floor and watch meteor showers when it starts getting dark at 4 o'clock.
resolutions i've accomplished thus far:
-learn to play the saw
-fix my bike
-ride my bike
-learn seattle geography
-find cheap happy hours
-become a little more hip (done by wearing fewer skirts, more skinny jeans)
-floss regularly
-join a book club (made book club--even better! double points!)
still need to do:
-learn to use sewing machine (in process...sewing bag for my saw)
-stop complaining (but is ridiculous expectation, as is so subjective/impossible!)
-go camping (definitely, and sadly, not happening)
-go to rainforest (sigh. again, not happening)
-make LED hula hoop (almost did this...then burned bridge)
-re-learn spanish, brush up on zulu, learn somali (ha! ambitious, becca)
-write more letters (maybe should go on first list. more than what? must not be so subjective with resolutions)
not bad, not bad. but as you can see, so much to be done. i'm trying to focus so hard on finishing 2008, but can't help but thinking of new ideas for 2009 resolutions...
i've been playing my staring game more lately. my staring game just involves...staring. i make eye contact with a stranger and maintain it until one of us looks away. whoever looks away first loses. this might be unfair, especially since the other player isn't aware of the rules. but sometimes i don't win. it's easiest to find another player at crosswalks when the light is red. my favorite, though, is when one party is on the bus and the other outside standing at the bus stop. whenever i play that way, i feel like they're really vulnerable and transparent, like i'm seeing something i'm not supposed to be seeing. and vice versa. so i usually get goosebumps and lose.
there are only two seasons in seattle.
joni mitchell is not helping me write this.
do you know what a scotcharoo is? i still haven't met anyone here who knows what a scotcharoo is. i feel sort of like i'm from outer space and sort of like i miss something about people who know what scotcharoos are and sort of like if i meet someone who knows what they are i might have to leave and go somewhere else.
there is some secret i'm hesitating to tell you. this isn't it: shana (with whom i formerly shared a wall) and i are saving up to buy a home planetarium projector. we'll lie on the floor and watch meteor showers when it starts getting dark at 4 o'clock.
09 October 2008
ne me quitte pas
ahhh, 9:00 on a thursday...am full of wine and ancient cacao recipes. now that my humors are balanced, i shall drink more wine and listen to regina spektor in comfort of own home by self...
things i want to share today:
1. i got my first tour tip! i kicked ass today (or rather, my tour group kicked ass and for some reason found me brilliant and hilarious). afterwards, a woman came up to me and a) slipped me $5 and b) told me that she's a massage therapist and wants to give free massages to all theo employees. whaaaa?
2. i had my first, but definitely not last, spa experience yesterday. wowee. why haven't i done this before? a new level of self-care realized.
3. my coworker, liz, and i are starting a feminist book club. it felt hella good to meet about it, to feel fired up inside, to get little goosebumps at the idea of being intellectually stimulated and making a fuss about injustice again, like the good old days...
4. renai and i made delicious, delicious sweet and salty cookies and ate lots and lots of them while making sense of our lives.
5. there are so many people in my phone who i can't call.
6. the smell of seattle lately reminds me of something i haven't been able to grasp. maybe just because i have a cold. i'm determined to pinpoint what it is though...
7. i think it will be okay.
things i want to share today:
1. i got my first tour tip! i kicked ass today (or rather, my tour group kicked ass and for some reason found me brilliant and hilarious). afterwards, a woman came up to me and a) slipped me $5 and b) told me that she's a massage therapist and wants to give free massages to all theo employees. whaaaa?
2. i had my first, but definitely not last, spa experience yesterday. wowee. why haven't i done this before? a new level of self-care realized.
3. my coworker, liz, and i are starting a feminist book club. it felt hella good to meet about it, to feel fired up inside, to get little goosebumps at the idea of being intellectually stimulated and making a fuss about injustice again, like the good old days...
4. renai and i made delicious, delicious sweet and salty cookies and ate lots and lots of them while making sense of our lives.
5. there are so many people in my phone who i can't call.
6. the smell of seattle lately reminds me of something i haven't been able to grasp. maybe just because i have a cold. i'm determined to pinpoint what it is though...
7. i think it will be okay.
06 October 2008
02 October 2008
does anyone know the punchline yet?
yesterday i crawled inside of a fireplace to clean it, in manner of cinderella.
i made an apron for the skeleton in our halloween display out of chocolate box pads and ribbon. everyone thought i was so clever. my biggest success so far.
otherwise, i haven't done much else right. am in middle of yet another poor-decision-making-induced existential crisis. have pushed luck too, too far. luck, who apparently dislikes being pushed about so, has left me alone. now standing by self in bad choice muck.
and have finally come down with cruel throat/cold sickness currently plaguing seattle.
and the warm weather went away on my day off.
just want hugs, tea, and undeserved sympathy.
i made an apron for the skeleton in our halloween display out of chocolate box pads and ribbon. everyone thought i was so clever. my biggest success so far.
otherwise, i haven't done much else right. am in middle of yet another poor-decision-making-induced existential crisis. have pushed luck too, too far. luck, who apparently dislikes being pushed about so, has left me alone. now standing by self in bad choice muck.
and have finally come down with cruel throat/cold sickness currently plaguing seattle.
and the warm weather went away on my day off.
just want hugs, tea, and undeserved sympathy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
