gay EXPLOSION

oh hi. guess what, invisible readers? i'm QUEER!

you probably already knew that, but writing it on a public blog feels so liberating because today is my

COMING OUT TO THE FAMILY DAY!!

here's the story...

my family is not okay with the gays. growing up, my dad would change the channel whenever anything slightly gay came on tv. he would say "ahh, that's disgusting." he swore he'd never watch another robin williams movie after the birdcage came out (tehe). we boycotted disney in like 1999 because gay people work there (or something)...that level of homophobia. they are 100% christian, conservative, midwestern...i'm actually not sure they've ever (knowingly) met a queer person. defintely unaware that the gays are among us. they are among us (creepy scary music).


well. at one point i considered never telling them at all...i knew it would make them sad, etc. and we live miles and miles away anyway...and i wasn't dating anyone, and excuses excuses blah blah blah.

lately though, i've been able to come up with fewer reasons not to tell them. and it's become a heavier burden as time goes on...and i have no shame and guilt about it. whatever--i just didn't need that albatross 'round the neck (i'd rather have it tattooed on my arm...coming soon). so for the good of myself, the good of the movement, and (ultimately) for the good of my parents, i decided to suck it up and out myself.

my first idea was to send them a big cake that said "i'm gay!" short, to the point, funny...and you get to eat the cake! cake softens the blow. if you ever have something difficult to tell me, it will be better received written on a cake.



shipping a cake to ohio seemed tricky. plus i don't think they would have appreciated the thought. so i decided on letters. one for mom, one for dad, one for 15-year-old sis. gave myself a deadline, wrote the letters, and dropped them in one of those blue mailboxes monday so i couldn't change my mind and dig them out. or at least it'd be really difficult too.

so all week i've been waiting. imagining worst case scenarios. biting nails. not sleeping. etc.

luckily i've been housesitting this week for one of my coworkers in my dream house with a front porch, wisteria, a sauna, and chickens! it's been peaceful. i've been smoking many a tragic cigarette on the porch. sharing my woes with the chickens.

yesterday i was sauna-ing and contemplating how i could convince kate to let me have her house...i came upstairs, checked my phone, and there is was: shit hitting fan.

my mom is kind of a mess, predictably. she's texting me with all sorts of questions and says she loves me, which is great. she also says this was the last thing she EVER expected to hear from me (wow...really? the last thing? the hairy legs, short hair, facial piercings, feminist politics, not dating men thing didn't tip you off even a teeny bit?). she wasn't ready to phone talk, but my phone was blowing up with texts all night. she says dad is calmer, which can't be good...leo/virgo cusp. yikes. and claudia hasn't been home to read her letter, which they might not give her, which is a bad decision on their part, which they'll realize on their own so i'm not too worried. claudia mad at mom and dad = maybe an extra point for me.

so all evening i had this crazy, unpredictable energy. at one point i was trying to make myself eat and i dropped a salsa jar on the kitchen floor. it shatter and exPLODed everywhere. all over. so i screamed and swore a lot and stripped off my salsa clothes down to my underwear and had to take EVERYTHING out of the fridge to clean it and walk outside to the garbage can in my underwear and it was terrrrribllleeeee.

but then i drank half a bottle of wine and felt better.

then i convinced of my friends who were feeling bad for me to come gay it up at changes karaoke night, where they love me and gave me free whiskey and told me how proud they were and said i did a good job singing "i think we're alone now."

a night out in the gayborhood and a hangover later, i'm a million times better.

and now that cat's out of the bag, i can tell EVERYONE! so spread the word and get ready for this blog to get gayer. i can write whatever i want.

like, about pretty ladies!

and...how i just bought the gayest flannel there ever was (see below).



and how i'm going to doula for a queer couple in july! lesbian babies!

and how much fun pride is gonna be.

any goddamn GAY thing i want to write about.

thanks to everyone who's supported me. thank you, urban family. thank you, boss and coworkers. thank you, malinda. thank you, changes, seattle's best gay bar. i love you all.