end and beginning

beginning:

wednesday at 12:45pm i saw a baby get born. i had an amazing close-up view 'cause i was standing on the right side of mama, holding her leg back while she pushed for an hour. (i was going to put photos of babies crowning to show you how beautiful it all was, but then i remembered that maybe not everyone wants to see that...so, you're welcome.)



my favorite part of the whole experience? everything. i liked everything. i was there for 11 of the 14 hours of labor. it was totally natural and mama, partner, and i were in sync and in our bodies and intuition. we were being present and breathing together through every rush (better word than contraction...).

i liked the noises. i liked that they just came from somewhere within her. they were so powerful they gave me goosebumps. and everything was quiet and peaceful in between.

i liked the pushing. the sounds were especially moving during this part. the midwife brought in a mirror when the baby's head was crowning and mama looked into the mirror and had fire in her eyes and made the most beautiful, terrifying, human sounds i've ever heard. this is the part where i secretly cried a little.

i liked that she reached down to touch his head to give her strength. then she dug her fingers into my arm again for the next push and i had baby juice on me. but it wasn't disgusting. it was more like...baptism.

i liked the pure, raw awe that happened when they held the new baby. i liked when the baby found her nipple and she just kept saying "he's so beautiful. he's so perfect. he's so perfect."

i liked the placenta and i liked videotaping and i liked biking to the hospital at 1:45am and stopping at the gas station to get them coffee and steamed milk.

i liked everything.

immediately after, i called my mom to thank her. and i felt totally intoxicated walking down the street. partly because i was so sleep-deprived, but mostly i couldn't stop grinning because i felt so...connected.

no matter how i try to explain it, it sounds ridiculous and woowoo, so bear with me or skip this part. i'll just say that it made everything so clear. and i understood why we do anything we do and what it means to be a person and how simultaneously fragile and temporary, yet strong and eternal we are. i learned something about being a woman and something about being a man and something about tenderness and purpose.

end:

my cleanse is over. in the end, i cared a lot less about it. i guess it was a good thing to do, but i decided against the liver flush. i want to enjoy food.

i want to eat delicious things and hang out with wonderful people and be okay with it all and smell every lilac tree i pass because lilac season is so short and i always miss it when it's over.

here's a quote from harold and maude, one of the best movies ever. then i will be done writing sappy bullshit and go outside and play:

"vice? virtue? It's best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life. aim above morality. as Confucius says, 'don't simply be good. make good things happen.'"

yeah, that's damn right.