check out these musical stairs

since yesterday, i've been on edge. dressed up with nowhere to go. waiting by the phone. actually.

i've been trying to stay normal and maintain a routine, but everything i do seems to be an outlet for my nervous energy. and my "fuck you!" energy.

yesterday at the eye doctor they asked me if i drank or smoked. i lied. why do they need to know? i lost my wallet on the way there and smoked a cigarette on the way back. in the rain. my eye doctor will never understand my tragic, poetic cigarette in the rain.

then we were talking about how cookie monster eats vegetables now because sesame street doesn't want to contribute to child obesity. but! gah! it's not, i mean, er...i need a cookie for that. to honor cookie monster. the monster formerly known as cookie monster.

and i'm frustrated about work. i'm frustrated at how much i give and i'm frustrated to be left hanging and i'm frustrated about how much weight every life choice carries right now and i'm mad that i had to give a tour to a group of 25 drunk women on saturday who made jokes about child labor and talked to each other the entire time. so rude. you'd think i'd need some whiskey for that one, but instead i spied a big reese's cup on the coffee table and ate that shitty wax slave chocolate for the first time in almost two years. mmmm....

today my nerves were at their nerviest nerve peak. i went in for my first birth, met a single mom in early labor, and left the hospital. and left my phone number with the nurse, so she could call me when things got interesting. i looked at my phone every two seconds and went to study and cram when i should have just rested. and the best way i prepared was by eating a giant hamburger because it seemed like the thing i needed most.

and i've been sitting right here ever since. checking phone...cramming...writing a comprehensive document of everything i've ever learned...checking phone...watching tk fight with a packet of saltine crackers...checking phone...good god!

i'm calling the charge nurse....

...

"oh, her? she went home," says charge nurse. oh. well. either she popped it out immediately after or i left or, more than likely, she wasn't progressing and they sent her home until her contractions were productive. either way, i'm sure she's a lot more on edge than me.

too bad...i would've liked to have been at the birth of a little scorpio girl born during the peak of the leonid meteor shower.

it's a lot less "choose my own adventure" and a lot more "other people choose my own adventure." or maybe it's "i'm just part of someone else's adventure to begin with."

but that just seems less appealing.