speaking of which, who's ready to be raptured this weekend? if you are, make sure your pets are all taken care of (thanks, amy). you can also prepare a rapture survival kit, so the people you left behind know where you've gone.
luckily, i plan to stick around with tk and asha, so we're good. i just hope the chaos doesn't interfere with the no pants dance party we're having on saturday...
in other news:,
milady and i are moving to austin, tx mid-august. v. exciting.
went to vanouver, bc this weekend. some notes on vancouver: kind of like seattle w/ less interesting architecture, delicious all-dressed ruffles potato chips, everyone has the same haircut as me, veggie poutine, and our car broke down and is still there.
the hours of my job are really getting to me...i contacted 2 temp agencies today. we'll see how it goes.
i just got foodstamps and joined the y. cashing in on the poverty. am going to start lifting weights and getting really strong. oh yes.
just read 3 books in the beebo brinker chronicles, which is amazing lesbian pulp ficture from the 1950s. i highly recommend this series, and you should definitely read the forwards and notes by the author.
too much to do! i'll be back with creative, substantial writing someday....
SPRINGCLEANING is my 3rd favorite reflective/self-improvement holiday of the year (after new year's and my birthday....hm, looks like a need something in the fall...).
new year's is for thinking about all the new things i want to learn and do.
my birthday is for reflection on how i've grown in knowledge and in love in the past year (as my dear liz t. says).
SPRINGCLEANINGis for cleansing the house, body, soul, mind, in a way that is instantly gratifying and tangible.
it is a time during which i clean my room and get rid of all the fabric scraps, shattered glass, and magazines that i've been hoarding for "art projects."
it is a time during which i remember about exercising and start moving my body again, rebuilding my bike muscles, flailing about my neighborhood on very slow runs, going to yoga to sweat winter out of my pores.
it is a time during which i clean out my digestive system by drinking mudshakes twice a day and eating only wholesome, homecooked foods.
it is a time during which i commission my brilliant, taurus lady friend to make an excel spreadsheet so i can track my daily disciplines.
it is a time for cute baby animals, cherry blossoms, sleepy tulips opening their lil petals.
i just rode my bike uphill at 2:30am. the world is different now. it's both scarier and calmer. i'm scared because i feel vulnerable. but then, it's nice to have the streets to myself, to fantasize that everyone else has disappeared and i no longer have to obey red lights, or stay in the right lane. that thought is also scary, from a sci fi movie or the bible.
and things look empty, but also like they're resting. i biked past the library. i was just there a few hours ago, but now it's asleep. the buses: asleep.
i thought biking would wear me out so i could fall asleep. eli said, "it tires the body, but wakes up the mind." he was right. even my eyelids are tired. i like quizzing everyone at work about their sleeping schedules, since i'm not used to working a bar shift. some of them sleep until 2pm and don't care. others, like me, wish they could wake up earlier.
i'm letting tk lick me because i'm salty from the sweat. he likes to lick me when i'm sweaty and when i'm fresh out of the shower, for some reason. when he was a kitten, he licked me all the time. i'd hop from one foot to the other while i got dressed because if i stood still, he's lick me. i'd lift me legs off the ground while i was on the toilet.
i will go to bed in a few minutes, even though my mind is awake. i'll crawl under the covers with my lady and she'll make adorable sleep noises. then in three hours it'll be opposite. she'll be waking up and getting ready to leave for work and i'll make the sleep noises. even though i'll want to be awake to say goodbye, my body will force me to stay lying down. a heavy fog of sleepiness.
but now that's hard to imagine.
i want to be writing this on my typewriter, but i can't, because i'd wake everybody up. if this were my typewriter, i'd have a lot more things to say. about my mother, mostly. and myself. and how we're connected and not connected.
on saturday idil and i went to vashon island. it was pouring down rain, but we went anyway. it was funny because we drove all the way out to this lighthouse for a scenic view and when we got there, we just sat in the car for a moment. she said, "uh...heh, do you want to get out and see it?" and i said, "ummm...suuurree...well, it's just that--" she said, "i feel like we SHOULD go see it, but i don't want to!" i said, "haha, me either! i don't want to go see it!" so we just laughed and sat there and saw the scenic view from the car.
but it was nice to talk. i told her about everything, about about how i feel about myself these days, which isn't great. she told me about her saturn returns class and about internalized sexism and what that all has to do with our mothers.
i realized that i don't really know my mother. then i realized that i don't know if anyone knows my mother. and a lot of other things that made me feel sad, humble, and human.
but , to make a long story shorter so i can go to bed now, it all came down to:
we are all trying to survive. it is easier to have compassion for others than for myself. we are all doing the best we can.
can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in the universe right now? mercury isn't even in retrograde (although, dear lord, it's going to be next week for nearly a month!), but things are pretty broken right now.
probably needless to say, my life didn't get as instantly perfect as i thought when i quit theo. i've had a lot of things piling up for a very long time, and, as they say, something's gotta give.
it's hard to believe i never used to cry, because this past week i wept like an angry baby. or maybe a sad baby. or an overwhelmed baby.
i know that i'm being selfish and that life could be a whole lot worse than broken cars, bad colds, bank account errors, and cell phones possibly lost in dumpsters at 2am, when your clothes are soaking wet and your fingers are all wrinkly and smell like tartar sauce....
i know that.
my recent tantrums have pretty much been like they've been whenever i've had tantrums throughout my life: "it's *sobsob* not *snort* faaaiirrrrr *many sobs*"
yes, that's pretty much been my mantra at age 5, 15, and 25. over the same stupid things, more or less.
...i don't know what i'm getting at, really. maybe because it's 4am (wow, i'm turning nocturnal! i didn't think it was possible...).
here's what i need:
a whole week to sleep (this will never happen)
a mentor and/or therapist (if anyone has any recommendations for someone older, wiser, or professionally trained to listen to my problems and tell me what to do for a reasonable price, please let me know.)
everyone who interacts with me regularly to be patient with me.
i think i just needed to throw a bit of a fit, let it out...put things into perspective so i can be free to move on to stuff that matters.
guess what time it is? monday at noon! guess where i'm not? work!
i'm emerging, slightly weary and worn, but that's to be expected. i just lived through one of the craziest weeks of my life to date.
i was training my replacement at theo, attended a birth, took care of my lady post-wisdom tooth extraction, and started my new job.
and bam! here i am on the other side of things. the blurry, exhausted calm after the storm, and i'm trying to determine whether or not i lived through it, and what injuries i have, and what exactly happened.
kind of like liam, the baby who came into the world at 10:09pm on tuesday, after an 18-hour labor and nearly every medical intervention possible. i really think he wanted to stay in there, and i don't blame him. he was over 9lbs, and had this 'lil baby "who dares disturb my slumber!" look on his face.
friday i said goobye to theo in a rush. the store gave me an orchid. i'm afraid of killing it. the last person i hugged was the cfo, who nobody hugs, but i was crying and i think he was afraid, so he went along with it at least.
i went straight to my first 10-hour shift, which was also opening night at the bar. i arrived at 4pm to a state of utter chaos. seriously. the tables were being drilled together, shelves were being attached to walls, there were at least 15 people buzzing around in panic mode, trying to pull everything together. we opened at 5pm. i opened. i turned the key and welcomed the very first customer through the door. a birth, of sorts. i'm good at those transitions.
an 18 hour labor on tuesday. an 18 hour labor on friday.
that's a lot of laboring.
saturday i cried again. i couldn't think of why i was crying. it was just a physical manifestation of unprocessed emotions.
i never used to cry. remember when i only cried twice a year? well, ever since my cycle started to become regular, so did my tears. i think that's a good thing. i've always known i was emotional, but not being able to have the release of crying was always frustrating.
so. that was my week. whaddya think?
i think i could sleep for 100 years.
but there is much to be done. i'm kind of nervous. did i make the right choices? is voluntary quitting a good job and demoting oneself wise? i really am a horrible capitalist. i'm in serious need of a mentor, and of lots of people to tell me everything will be okay.
oh hey, it's my monthly dropping a line to my probably dwindling readerhood (two-day later edit! welcome new readers i just discovered!). today i'm reporting from my cleaner-than-it's-ever-been room, with tk curled up at my feet, candlelight only, and devotchka pandora....if you think that sounds magical, you're right. this is actually what's happening, live (actually, it's not live anymore. this edited post is 2 days old, but you can imagine when it was live):
but alas, my hungry-and-maybe-pretend followers, this is the eve of a new era! an era of good mental health, daily balance, the birth of a birth business, and a reclamation of my social life.
....and the transition's a bitch. right now i sort of have three jobs: i'm helping to hire and train my replacement at theo (during the thick of valentine's season, so you can imagine how that was), i start training to be a barback/doorperson in the gayborhood, and i'm on call for a birth at this very minute.
but then my life will be bliss! i will have my day times back ! i will spend time in nature! i will make cheese! i will either befriend a goat or someone who owns a goat! i will find a couch for our living room and patronize the businesses in by neighborhood! i'm so effing excited to be a normal human being and to see what happens in the world when one's not at work!
besides taking an entire month to quit my job, i've been piece-by-piece collecting the tools, skillz, and inspiration i'll need to launch myself into above-described life.
i started by finally taking the gay kickboxing class at the ymca and the lizzes are always raving about, and for good reason! my high school tae bo experience really prepared me for what would have completely kicked my ass...it's not actually gay kickboxing; and the main demographic of the class is straight women (with a couple of their straight boyfriends who they dragged along). but donny, the instructor, is gay and i am gay, and that made it...something. anyway, it was absolutely amazing and if you're not kickboxing to dance music re-mixes with donny, you're not really kickboxing. that's what i think.
if my life this month were a movie montage, it would start in the kickboxing class to dance music from the best of bootie, which you should all go listen to immediately, or maybe eye of the tiger, like in persepolis, and during my sweaty cross-punching, you'd see:
my frantic, studious note-taking during a cheese-making class, with a serious look on my face as i plot how to obtain a goat...
many pathetic scenes of me attempting to shop for new interview/work clothes, including going somewhere i haven't been in approximately 10 years: the mall. the suburban mall. luckily, i had the guidance of my fashion guru/someone who actually knows how to shop. her name is renai, and i credit her with my purchase of $20 dansco clogs from buffalo exchange today, which i wouldn't have thought of buying without her mentorship.
a lot of empty wine bottles
several interviews...me trying to hire someone, me trying to be hired, me super nervous
asha coming out of hiding again and eating for the first time in months...me watching her shovel little bits of lettuce and pear into her teeny tiny mouth
um, then it'd pan back to gay kickboxing, and donny giving me a high-five and me with my hands on my hips, doing a little step touch while my heart rate goes back to normal, looking at my red-faced, smirking self in the wall-to-wall mirrors and being a bit pleased with the girl looking back at me for pulling this all together semi-successfully...yeah...
*dreamy face*
meanwhile, we might be having snowpocalypse part 2 tonight, while i'm supposed to be at work and maybe at the birth.
i'm kind of looking at going to ohio for a few days in early april. i want to see my mamaw while she's in relatively decent health, and i'd like to see my little sister's high school musical. actual text from claudia re: musical:
"i got the baker's wife in into the woods. if ur not familiar with the musical it's like, the lead. lol"
so, how can i pass that up?
well, if i can't afford it i'll have to pass it up.
i was talking to malinda on the phone today and venting about how it would be nice, for once (just once!), if mom and dad offered to chip in on the plane ticket. they're always lamenting about how far away we are and how much they'd love to see us...which was a slippery slope for venting about our parents in general.
me: "do you think dad thinks he's a good dad? mal: "ha! yes! do you remember when i told him he was a bad father and that he should go to a parenting class?" me: "not really? maybe, vaguely...?" mal: "well i did, and he actually went to a parenting seminar, and do you know what it was called?" me: "...?" mal: "'you're a better parent than you think.' so, yes, i think he thinks he's a good dad. he found a professional to verify that."
and there you have it.
*the actual subject line of an emailed resume and cover letter that came in for to replace me. not the person we're hiring, obvs.
here's my summary of 2010: a pretty intense year, with a lot of difficult, intense things, and a few really amazing, redeeming happenings.
difficult things:
the beginning of urban family scatter/my friends start getting eaten by law school and other adulty things that threaten to snatch them away from me
coming out to my family...and them pretending it never happened...
having my job consume my life, and possibly parts of my soul (they may never grow back)
being with oliver while he died
my mamaw's health
amazing things:
my urban family an d how much i love them and they love me
coming out to my family...finding that i have some surprise allies
quitting my job (hellz yeah, this is officially happening in less then a month!)
being in love with the cutest 'lil taurus there ever was
attending three births
urban family and i brought in the new year completely sober, standing in a circle of hippies, barefoot in a yoga studio, with a 2-minute "ohm" and a handful of rose petals.
in the hours that followed were not sober. we danced and grinned until dawn. yes, until dawn.
and here we are!!
i suppose resolution time is past due. i'm not going to bother analyzing my progress on last year's list, as is my usual tradition. i did some shit, and i didn't do some shit. the shit i didn't do that i still want to do will rollover to this year's list. deal? deal.
i started a list on the typewriter and here it is:
1. fix my bike (this means: replace stolen handlebars) 2. learn to make cheese (and this is also happening next week!) 3. can or pickle something 4. fix the button on those jeans i've been holding on to for 2 years 5. go to portland 6. go somewhere i've never been 7. go to yoga. don't stop going to yoga 8. learn something about gardening 9. learn to use power tools 10. finish my doula certification
oh, yeah, there: a nice, round list. oh, and find a job. i really gotta find a job. and probably start reading books that are neither re: childbirth or young adult fantasy fiction. and also, go back to the rainforest. yes.
good enough?
i think i'm in for a year to remember. the universe is surely shifting...
