there's something in the deli aisle.

sometimes that's enough to launch pre-birthday funk.

two parades in two weeks.

my living room is still a fort.



thank the powers that be for my lady friends.

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mid 20s crisis

last night i fell off my bike and scraped up my arm and leg.
then i slept in a treehouse.
tomorrow i'm building a gigantic blanket fort. i will eat ants on a log and puppy chow inside gigantic blanket fort.

childhood dreams finally realized.

it's not rocket science, but it's important

i've confronted a lot of fears lately. a lot of fears i actually didn't know i had to begin with until after the fact.

just this week, i got licked for an audience, rode my bicycle naked in front of thousands of people, and rode a high rail bicycle at the science center with only a socially awkward science nerd named dylan around to save me should i fall.

so far, i've felt great after each conquer. three for three. not bad, i'd say. crossing my fingers that this pattern continues because soon i have to address some trickier, messier fears. and...i'm scared.

today i saw an axolotl for the first time. it looked like a gremlin. volunteering at the science center= getting free passes, watching imax movies and eating popcorn, unlimited free fountain soda, and sitting in giant chairs. a beautiful symbiotic relationship.

just in case.

dear boobs,

i know we've been debating this subject for 9 years now, and i know what your position is on the topic, but just in case if you are thinking about shrinking ever, tonight while i'm asleep would be an excellent time.

thanks for considering my request. i hope we can continue to coexist in peace and perhaps even grow to like each other someday (...but for the record, i feel like you've been absolutely rotten to me even when i try to cultivate a friendship. so. just sayin'.)

love,

becca

watch it burn.

last night i got paid to (try to) eat a strawberry seductively and have a woman lick chocolate body paint off of my arm in front of 40 people. i tried to channel my leo rising, which mostly worked, but i still giggled awkwardly and blushed a little at first because no matter what, that's what i do. otherwise, i think i did a damn good job. everything is a learning experience.

i have so many, many things inside of me. maybe that's why the other night i dreamed that asha had grown to be the size of a gigantic hermit crab. gigantic. i feel like my dreams about asha are just manifestations of myself. it's always been true in the past.

my stranger horoscope says:

in honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, i invite you to do the following exercise: imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you've ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. your old furniture is here, along with stuff like once-favorite clothes, cds, and empty boxes of your favorite cereal. but this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture cherished dreams you gave up on, mementos from failed relationships, and symbols of defunct beliefs and self-images you used to cling to. everything that is dead to you is gathered here. got that vision in your mind's eye? now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. watch it burn.

i usually don't find my free will horoscope that relevant, but it was screaming at me this week, so i carefully ripped it out and hung it on my wall. yesterday i was eating macaroni and cheese at fremont coffee and flipping through a copy of the stranger...when i came to the astrology page, the same horoscope was ripped out. nothing else. some cancer somewhere else is fremont feels similarly caught up in the past...i wonder if s/he is having as much trouble with letting go of that shit as i am. i've piled it up. it's really hard to set it on fire.

anyway, enough emotional blah blah. the question now is...to naked bike, or not to naked bike?

harsh my mellow. steal my thunder. suck me into your event horizon.

up until last night, i've been a zombie. forced smiles and chopped hairs and twitching when i tried to relax.

it's good to sit in a pile a of cushions between people i love with a bag of gummy worms, a bloody mary, and a national geographic movie called "monster black holes."

but still. that ended with a tummy ache and a fear of getting sucked into pure nothingness. and more twitching.

last night i was the opposite of a black hole, spitting out light and energy and dance, warping space-time into infinity.

when i went to sleep, i did not twitch.

blogging killed the journal

mercury isn't supposed to be in retrograde anymore.

i missed my bus from ohio to minneapolis due to an accident on the highway. my parents actually drove me to indianapolis so i could catch the bus there. it was a nightmare, plus extra dollars to change my ticket. and pouring down cold rain.

i made it eventually. it was exhausting in a completely different way than ohio. a lot of things look the same, but they aren't. when i'm there i feel so conflicted and only half there. but i saw people i love, and i needed that. i went to a lot of places that make me nostalgic and to a lot of new places. and tried a lot of new drinks. namely free tibet punch and the pickled dragon.

yesterday i went to the airport to fly back to seattle. when i attempted to check in, i realized i had missed my flight. by 24 hours. oops. at that point i was already ridiculously beat (maybe it was the full moon, but i felt everything x100 the entire week) and ready to get on that g.d. plane and sleep in my bed.

instead, i waited in line for an hour, bought a new ticket for $150, and lugged my shit out to the curb to wait for a ride. i returned with a lot more than i left with. i reclaimed my box of memories that has been living at my professor's house for the past year. two quilts made by grandma, a box of photographs, my undergrad research papers, and 10 years worth of journals.

10 years worth of journals. it was a heavy box.

so i went back to the city, undid all the goodbyes, said goodbye again, couldn't sleep, then boarded a 7:15am flight.

i can't remember ever feeling this drained. i have nothing in me.

now off to work.

the rest is for my neglected, lonely journal.

storm

last night claudia and i rode bikes in a real thunderstorm.

a real thunderstorm.

to the east, the sky was nearly black and lightning just filled the sky over the fields. to the west, the sunset over the fields.

someone drove past in a pick-up and offered us a ride, which we declined.

we made it home just before the wind and heavy rain started. so we stood on the porch and watched.

still no lightning bug sightings.

tomorrow i leave ohio.