the year so far:
celebrated the new year with some of my dearest framily (that's a squird for friends who are family, if you didn't know). so much changes, even in five months.
the composting toilet broke, quite a lot. we moved. we have housemates and a big yard.
of course, as you've seen on facebook, we have a new puppy.
in april, i cried in the bathroom at work. then i walked out in the middle of a shift. i should have done it much sooner. leslie left her job to pick me up. i walked out of the clinic and almost yelled "fuck you!" to the protesters, but the protesters were an 80-something year old man and woman, getting lawn chairs out of their trunk and i just couldn't.
i was sitting on the curb eating little ceasar's crazy bread, still in my scrubs, when she pulled up.
i know you're not supposed to quit a job "in this economy," but no paycheck is worth being demoralized everyday. anyway, i had a job interview the very next week, and one month later, back to the world of the working.
after spending a month by myself, i became soft. an abortion clinic in texas is not a place for the faint of heart. i have to work back up to hearing the heartbreaking things, to keeping them out of my dreams.
i'm helping to start a full-spectrum doula organization. that means that we support pregnant, pre-pregnant people, and post-pregnant people, whether they want birth, adoption, or abortion. whether they're trying to get knocked up, or they've miscarried. whether they're doing it by themselves or they have a partner. a radical concept, in every sense. last night, a celebrity of the movement came to my house!
one of my fellow doulas asked me why i was so interested in working in abortion care. "have you had an abortion, or something?" i've never even been pregnant (except in arizona). so what am i doing centering my whole life around supporting people through experiences i've never had? sure as hell ain't for the money.
maybe it's some sort of penance for being such a conservative little shit for 20 years of my life? or being an especially empathetic, female-bodied person? a fascination with....new life? second chances? positive transformation? the right to control one's own body?
who knows, but i'm enchanted and i'm here.
there's been a lot to contemplate, and time for meditation. i've been thinking a lot about life, and death, and what the differences are. i've been meditating on "being with," and how hard that is. i've been changing the way i move about in the world, and how i make decisions. i'm trying to become less practical and more bold.
i have not been writing. so pardon me while i warm up.
i have not been biking.
i have not been exercising.
however, i have finished most of my new year's resolutions already.
i went to ohio for a weekend so watch my little sister's musical. i surprised her, and she's a dramatic teenager, so her reaction was most satisfying. she played elle woods in "legally blonde: the musical" on the same stage on which i performed almost ten years ago.
i saw my mamaw. she can't believe that people don't think i'm a redhead. i'm not sure she's happy. i know i wouldn't be, in a nursing home. she made fun of my nose ring and asked if i had a boyfriend yet. other grandma looked at me and said, "rebecca, you know we're praying for you for you-know-what." all i could do was purse my lips and say, "mmm."
claudia took me to a cupcake shop called "to die for" that shares a store front with a shop that sells headstones. morbid, but clever.
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