something in the deli aisle made me cry

can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in the universe right now? mercury isn't even in retrograde (although, dear lord, it's going to be next week for nearly a month!), but things are pretty broken right now.

probably needless to say, my life didn't get as instantly perfect as i thought when i quit theo. i've had a lot of things piling up for a very long time, and, as they say, something's gotta give.

it's hard to believe i never used to cry, because this past week i wept like an angry baby. or maybe a sad baby. or an overwhelmed baby.

i know that i'm being selfish and that life could be a whole lot worse than broken cars, bad colds, bank account errors, and cell phones possibly lost in dumpsters at 2am, when your clothes are soaking wet and your fingers are all wrinkly and smell like tartar sauce....

i know that.

my recent tantrums have pretty much been like they've been whenever i've had tantrums throughout my life: "it's *sobsob* not *snort* faaaiirrrrr *many sobs*"

yes, that's pretty much been my mantra at age 5, 15, and 25. over the same stupid things, more or less.

...i don't know what i'm getting at, really. maybe because it's 4am (wow, i'm turning nocturnal! i didn't think it was possible...).

here's what i need:

• a whole week to sleep (this will never happen)
• a mentor and/or therapist (if anyone has any recommendations for someone older, wiser, or professionally trained to listen to my problems and tell me what to do for a reasonable price, please let me know.)
• everyone who interacts with me regularly to be patient with me.

i think i just needed to throw a bit of a fit, let it out...put things into perspective so i can be free to move on to stuff that matters.

but i needed to be selfish for a minute.

blood and sand

guess what time it is? monday at noon! guess where i'm not? work!

i'm emerging, slightly weary and worn, but that's to be expected. i just lived through one of the craziest weeks of my life to date.

i was training my replacement at theo, attended a birth, took care of my lady post-wisdom tooth extraction, and started my new job.


and bam! here i am on the other side of things. the blurry, exhausted calm after the storm, and i'm trying to determine whether or not i lived through it, and what injuries i have, and what exactly happened.

kind of like liam, the baby who came into the world at 10:09pm on tuesday, after an 18-hour labor and nearly every medical intervention possible. i really think he wanted to stay in there, and i don't blame him. he was over 9lbs, and had this 'lil baby "who dares disturb my slumber!" look on his face.

friday i said goobye to theo in a rush. the store gave me an orchid. i'm afraid of killing it. the last person i hugged was the cfo, who nobody hugs, but i was crying and i think he was afraid, so he went along with it at least.

i went straight to my first 10-hour shift, which was also opening night at the bar. i arrived at 4pm to a state of utter chaos. seriously. the tables were being drilled together, shelves were being attached to walls, there were at least 15 people buzzing around in panic mode, trying to pull everything together. we opened at 5pm. i opened. i turned the key and welcomed the very first customer through the door. a birth, of sorts. i'm good at those transitions.

an 18 hour labor on tuesday. an 18 hour labor on friday.

that's a lot of laboring.

saturday i cried again. i couldn't think of why i was crying. it was just a physical manifestation of unprocessed emotions.

i never used to cry. remember when i only cried twice a year? well, ever since my cycle started to become regular, so did my tears. i think that's a good thing. i've always known i was emotional, but not being able to have the release of crying was always frustrating.

so. that was my week. whaddya think?

i think i could sleep for 100 years.


but there is much to be done. i'm kind of nervous. did i make the right choices? is voluntary quitting a good job and demoting oneself wise? i really am a horrible capitalist. i'm in serious need of a mentor, and of lots of people to tell me everything will be okay.