23!

today i'm 23. at last!

also, my hermit crab re-emerged. she's missing her big claw. she's in the same shell. i'm worried about her, but i'm glad she's back.

things i will do today:

-make scrambled eggs.
-annual ritual of reading all of my journal entries from the past year.
-play outside.

that is all.

i'm every woman

at work, my top desk drawer will fall open if there isn't an eraser wedged into the space under the desktop. every week, i look forward to ripping off all the old tape and securing the eraser with dozens and dozens of overlapping pieces of scotch tape. after about thirty layers of this, the drawer will stay closed.

and that's how i am managing to hold things together. in general.

this weekend bridget jones, a big 'ol bowl of moosetracks ice cream, and a bottle of wine re-inspired me to pull myself together by setting unrealistic goals involving the replacement of every vice and bad habit in my life with a virtue and good habit. ha, doesn't that sound sustainable? i will spare you the boring details, but basically it includes more cardio early in the morning, fewer foods with high fructose corn syrup and saturated fat, no smoking, blah blah blah. today is day 3 of being a saint. so far so good. well, i have done one unsaintly thing; i watched "america's got talent" last night...and (even worse) enjoyed it.

wait, two unsaintly things. this one is more sad than reality television: yesterday at work i forgot my power. i made a decision on behalf of someone else. i was doing the best i could and it was a very small decision, but they ended up being hurt. it frightened me to see her look at me like that. it frightened me to realize that i can have good intentions, and yet...

never to be seen again

all of the energy i've put into the universe is being sucked into a giant black hole. black hole has eaten four job applications, letters i've sent to my friends, all my money, my hermit crab, and every attempt i make to be a good person.

behind

just a few things:

this week has been a whirlwind.

today ibrihim said he hated me. he is seven, yes, but with his mother there screaming at him in somali, i felt embarrassed for both of us. i have rarely seen her so angry. the only words i could understand were: becca, seattle, stupid, and hug her. three minutes later, he and i were talking houseboats and goldfish, sitting on back door stoop.

i am trying to come to terms with the fact that i have friends who are married, pregnant, and homeowners. i don't know what a mortgage is. i have no idea. i didn't know whether or not pregnant women can ride bikes (yes, apparently). we've all been together, right in sync with society's schedule...up until this point. now i am having moments of panic because i'm scared we will stop understanding each other and become isolated in our own worlds. that won't happen, right? right?

here's the thing. things that are currently occupying my thoughts (besides being lonely and being a terrible friend): finding a part time minimum wage summer job and the free tattoo i'm getting on saturday. ha! i could just as easily be a high schooler.

your mom

yesterday i soaked in midwestern goodness. this included a buffet with baked potatoes, green beans, pasta salad, and three meat options. the decor of the venue was beautiful, too. some highlights: christmas trees (in june, yes), giant porcelein dolls, and a giant stuffed teddy bear sitting at a table alone in the corner of the bar, drinking a giant drink that lit up and bubbled. i wonder how much electricity is used daily between the giant drink and the christmas lights.

on the way home we drove past a billboard that said, "smile! your mom was pro-life!" mmmm, yes....

and i danced three days in a row with a stubbed toe, which ended up being too much.

4/5 of my conversations this week have been identical and center around the following questions: 1) how is seattle? 2) what do you do out there again? 3) oh my god, your hair!

so life has lacked depth. everyone is doing their own thing, but being able to see that everyone is okay doing their own thing is comforting, too.

for free!

minneapolis smells different than seattle. here when it rains, it smells like earth and clouds. in seattle, nothing changes.

yesterday i was suddenly in back in my old life, but not. ferdosa talks now. she was so shy at first because she didn't recognize me. the new baby is fat. asha and i sat on the front stoop. she dipped her bread in tea and told me not to bike home, or i'd be struck by lightning because my bike is metal. when did she get so smart? we went upstairs to see my old house. the girls who live there now have rules for the kids posted on their door. they have inspirational pictures hanging on their walls. like a little sign the says "god bless this house." the kids don't like the girls, and this secretly makes me happy. it's nice to be someone's favorite. especially when there are seven someones. seven ridiculously cute someones.

i forget small things. i forgot that the back door of the bus doesn't open automatically here. i stood there waiting for it to open for me. i forgot about the humidity and the flatness. and about how much good hip hop there is here.

my old life, but not.

today i remembered how young i am and laughed. ten months ago is "old life," ancient history. every decision i have to make seems important and life-changing. every damn thing is so huge.

when i am an 900-year old tree in the rainforest, i will look back on this all and laugh (but this laugh will be different than the laugh i laughed today. it will be wiser).

i'm about to explode like a frog on a hotplate

my favorite things about flying: spying on people, free soda in those little plastic cups (laden with toxins and carcinogens, i'm sure), and making awkward conversation with the people i sit next to. and the anticipation of going somewhere. and the feeling of taking off. and seeing the world look so very tiny below, and flying through clouds, and turbulance... and the compactness of airplane bathrooms. eeeee! i guess i just love to fly!

in less than 10 hours, i will be breathing in sweet midwestern air. i can't wait to see the kids. i'm bringing them each a piece of seaglass from orcas island/indianola. they will inevitably either lose, eat, or fight over it. or find a way to use it as a weapon. god, how i miss them.

goodbye seattle drizzle, hello minneapolis thunderstorm!

dingle dingle

updates:

friday night i biked to seattle center to receive previously mentioned hug from amma. i imagined it to go like this: i walk into a beautiful room, amma embraces me, everything that has ailed me is cured, i exit peacefully and blissfully. what actually happened: we waited in v. long line for numbered token, entered stressfully large and noisy room, walked past tables of amma merchandise and hippie bath products, sat in folding chairs for 2.5 hours listening to amma speak. not to be rude or anything, but her speech was kind of cliche and my ass was hurting something fierce. i was uncontrollably fidgety by the time they started the singing, not to mention a little triggered by the mega-church vibe i was feeling, so we peaced out sans spiritual hug and went to a bar instead. whiskey= spiritually healing?

regarding my hermit crab: still missing. people seem to chuckle a little when i explain the situation. i don't find it funny.

after clogging workshop #2, i know the following steps: bertha, lee, earl, alamo, and dingle stomp. this is very satisfying. i love whoever named these.

i am possibly being stalked by a beauty consultant i met at our lemonade stand. she really wants me to try this sample of enzyme face exfoliator that melts off your first 3-5 layers of dead skin, leaving your face smooth and radiant. scary, right? of course i didn't, as it sounds terrifying. the next week, she spotted me in a crowd of thousands at the folklife festival, ran over to me, and asked me how i liked the face-melter. i replied, "to be honest, i'm a bit frightened about it. it reminds me of the fish in japan that nibble the dead skin off your feet." she and her friend laughed and squealed and assured me that it would change my life. last week she called the CRISIS LINE asking for me. how the hell did she find me? they transferred her call to shelter and suddenly, while i'm in the middle of listening to someone disclose personal, traumatic information this girl wants my feedback on facewash. who does that? who?

well, here's a secret: after carefully reviewing the ingredients to make sure there were no scary chemicals in it, i tried the g.d. sample. my dead skin came off in little boogers. my living skin was, indeed, smooth and radiant. damnit. i will never, ever tell her.

since i'm sharing secrets, i want to let you know that i have a silly, silly new crush...that is all i can tell you for now. tehe :)