radio sylence

hello.

hello there. remember me? i used to write things for to entertain and delight you?

two months is officially my record for longest period of silence. i haven't been journaling instead, nor have i been traveling, nor abducted, away from technology, tangled in christmas lights, lost my fingers, etc. the reasons i haven't been writing are simple and two:

1. the holidays
2. love

the former means i live at work more than usual...like today will be my 7th day in a row at work, and my 55th hour of work this since Monday...all in the name of holiday shopping. and holiday spirit, cheer, goodwill, endless joy, ever-grateful customers:

lady: *without greeting or any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity* "um, i see that the holiday 4 bar pack is on sale."
me: "yes, it is."
lady: *rolls eyes for reason unknown* "well, the pack comes with one of each bar, but i just want 4 peppermint bars, so it that discounted?"
me: "no, i'm sorry, the sale is on the bar pack."
lady: *talking more slowly, so that i can understand* "but...i...want...4...peppermint...bars."
me: "i see that. sorry, the sale is on the bar pack. i'm happy to tie a ribbon around the bars for you! *smile*"
lady: *through clenched teeth* "but...i'd...be...getting...4...bars...why...can't....i...get...the...discount?"
me: "sorry, ma'am (i only call people ma'am in situations like these). it's not set up like that in the system. there's nothing i can do about that."
lady: *raises eyebrows and smirks* "hmph. well that's too bad for you, 'cause i would have bought 4 of these." *walks away in huff*

and an interaction like that is inevitably followed by a cheerful middle-aged man, who probably made a comment about "ohhh how can you eat all the chocolate and still keep your figure ohhhh!", who then winks at me while i'm ringing up his purchase, "must be REAL rough to work in a place like THIS. yup, must be SO HARD to eat chocolate all the time for your JOB. i'll bet no one's every grumpy in a places like THIS. must be REAL rough. now i will chuckle at my own joke. i am SO pleased with myself for having MASTERED the art of subtle sarcasm. har har har."

anyway, my last entry was me griping about customers, so i'll spare subjecting you to more of my retail woes. but i have more stories, if you're interested...so yes, work: time consuming, soul consuming.

more importantly, #2. i'm in love.


yay!!! maybe i won't die fat and alone, eaten by wild dogs...it is kind of like julie andrews frolicking through a meadow! the hills are, indeed, alive! ...i'll save the rest for my journal, 'cause it's just gonna be me being all ooey & gooey and i think a fair amount of people who know me already want to slap me at this point. and i kind of do, too...but if you wanted to ask me about it, i might want to talk about it...just sayin'.


yup, so that's pretty much where i've been. all beaming and shit. now you have at least two things to talk to me about next time you talk to me.

some other notable things have happened. for happy and for sad.

i was hired today by my first official doula client!

i'm finally going to take a cheese-making class.

and, in the sad headline section, our beloved oliver passed last week. he had congestive heart failure, and his health deteriorated very rapidly. we ended up putting him down and it was very, very sad. we'll miss you very much, oliver.

equation

two customer interactions:

wednesday: a woman walks in to the store. i'm working alone. i'm in horrible, foul mood. but, alas, customer service game face. the woman is there to pick up a donation for some event. we donated a giant basket full of chocolate and treats. i hand it to her with a big 'ol smile and say, "thanks. have a good day!" to which she replies, "you'll have a better day than me, rest assured." what is that? what is that?

friday: i'm corresponding via email with a man trying to arrange to bring a tour into the store. after a few exchanges, he signs his email:

Yours, dipped in chocolate,

(figuratively)

Joe Schmoe (name changed to protect creeper's identity)



ew. i mean, i get that he thinks that's clever, like the people who make willy wonka jokes and the people who ask me how i keep my figure working around sweets all day (*snort*). they just can't resist the urge to make bad jokes and i must decide whether to humor them or pretend not to get the joke.

anyway, these experiences are adding up and fueling the fire i lit under my ass after doing some life-planning math on the busride home wednesday. how do i balance practicality and happiness? how do i plan a life where i can have my cake and eat it, too (and STILL maintain this figure...bahahahahahaha! get it?)?

i have answered these questions. i have balanced the equation. i know the key to success. but i can't tell you...yet.

in other news...mmm, no other news. just work, sleep, work. work.

retreat

this weekend i decided i need to talk a lot less.

i went to a wedding on john's island in the san juans. according to the 2000 census, the island has a population of five.

this weekend was multi-generational summer camp. it was community yoga and hippie dancing and deep, goofy discussions and vegan food that made you think, "i would be vegan if i got to eat like this everyday."

it was peace and love, mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and shit-talking.

my body hurts a lot, but in a good way. in a stretched out way and in a my-hips-are-bruised-from-sleeping-on-the-ground-in-the-fetal-position way.

i saw baby deer eating some leaves outside my tent. and a seal and an eagle.

at midnight, i sat in a meadow under stars i haven't seen in a long time with someone i love who said, "i figured it out: you're not a person, you're just another part of the universe."

the next day we were supposed to be silent, but i wanted to talk. i had a lot of things to say. i wandered away from everyone and took a sun nap for a while, so i wouldn't bother the silent people.

i've been spending a lot of time this past week in the space between awake and asleep and my brain has been coming up with some crazy things.

instead of writing in my journal or blog, i've been keeping a running log on my typewriter (that's what happens when you don't have the internetz in your home). i just write the things that happen like, "accidentally left a red sharpie in my pants pocket and did a load of laundry" and "on my bike ride to work today, i was behind this girl all the way from 19th and yesler to gasworks park. i felt like a creeper, but we just have the same commute."

did i ever tell you about that tree in la push? it was a giant, giant tree. hundreds of years old before the ocean decided to wash it onto that particular beach. i actually thought it was a whale at first. it was so dark and the waves had hollowed out the bottom of the tree a bit, where the roots are. we climbed up inside when the tide was low. we heard the waves and nothing else. and it was pitch black, so we couldn't see anything. sky, ocean, beach, tree, people...there was no difference because there was no light.

so when i was taking that silent sun nap and lingering between consciousness and somewhere else, my brain was generating images of that tree and my typewriter and that conversation in the meadow.

when i woke up i felt: small and connected.

on families, mispronunciation, gays, bad luck, and planetary action

families:

i attended my third birth on wednesday, august 4th. this one was extra special to me because the new baby has two mamas. everything went smoothly. birth mama had an epidural, so she and her partner napped for a few hours while i ate cupcakes and read trashy celebrity magazines. then she woke up and popped out a 9 lbs. baby girl like it ain't no thang. they were all beautiful. another little leo in the world, making a grand entrance with cocorosie playing in the background. they brought a little magazine clipping about these gay penguins at a zoo who wanted to parent so badly, they kept stealing everyone else's eggs. finally, the zoo gave them some abandoned eggs to hatched and they turned out to be the best penguin parents in the whole zoo.

this past week my family came to visit. we are a much different family than the one described above. this was the first time i've seen them in over a year and i remember why i don't visit them more often (as if i could forget). they still lecture me about everything, like that time i was 13 and didn't finish my antibitotics. (sorry, okay! sorry! i can't still be sorry 12 years later...sorry, world for the super germs and everything...).

we hold hands and pray before every meal. in public. i just keep my eyes open and sigh. they tell god what they won't tell me. "let becca now that we are proud of her and that we love her..." why don't they just let me know? why is it god's job? my dad pronounces the "l" in salmon. this is very embarassing because it's a word you say a lot in seattle. he will not be corrected.

i kept them busy. i tried to be positive. we had a bbq at the park and all my friends came to meet the family. "you're family's so adorable!" "oh they were really nice!" is what my friends said. i was hyper aware of every f-bomb dropped and worried about whether i should tell them that they're socializing with somone i'm kind of dating...

gays:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day the court rules prop 8 unconstitutional. i know we have a long way to go, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and two gay victories made it an extra special day.

my little sister and i talked about my coming out letter for the first time. i told her everything and she was so impressively open and non-judgmental. she said, "i'm glad you told us. i think you did the right thing." she's smart. she's too smart for her high school and for our town. here, we went to youth readings and art walks and outdoor movies and restaurants together. i want to rescue her from ohio.

bad luck:

my purse got stolen last week from a bar. at first, i tried to have faith in humanity and thought that perhaps someone had taken it by mistake. then they started using my cards and my phone. then i got really cynical and told everyone, even the lady who cut my hair. i wanted the world to pity me. who does that? how to such shitty people exist? people who make multiple $50 purchases at the chevron in renton?

planetary action:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day that saturn, venus, and mars are all visible together in the sky. i haven't seen them yet. the night before, there were solar flares the reflected in such a way that you were supposed to be able to see the northern lights from seattle. we were already in bed, but we made ourselves get up and drive around to look for them. all we saw was weird lightning in the east. maybe it was the solar flares?

this week the persiads peaked. i didn't see them. it's too light in the city and i was too tired to stay up past 11pm. but on our way home the other night, claudia, idil, and i stopped in a park and found some people looking through a high-powered telescope. they were looking at jupiter and its moons. we could see four of the moons. jupiter has at least 63 moons.

brush with fame

okay, before i forget, things i will make when i live in a kitchen i can use:

• pickles
• bread
• cheese
• granola
• ketchup
• salad dressing
• hummus
• eggs (and by that i mean get chickens!)
• a garden

i'm in major house crushdom right now. this morning i looked at this charming, adorable 'lil house right in the neighborhood where i want to be with hardwood floors and a big island in the kitchen and a deck and a backyard with so many green things and even a tiny itty bitty pond. we'll see if they offer it to us, but even so, fantasizing about becca, the super diy homemaker, are making my heart flutter. giving up all of my extra-curriculars to stay home and make shit. delicious shit that i can eat...mmm...stay tuned for updates.

so on monday i was walking down the street and i saw a penny heads up. i'm not as superstitious as you probably think, but i like to pretend i believe...usually i see the penny, pause to evaluate, decide whether i'm happy with my life, and act accordingly. if nothing else, it's a good exercise in counting my blessings. generally, i decide to leave the penny for someone less fortunate than i, and hopefully in exchange for a bit of good karma (which i also don't believe in as much as you probably think...*ahem*).

but monday, i picked the penny up, 'cause that's how things have been going and i can use all the help i can get. and then i kept finding pennies this week.

four pennies! heads up!

i took them all and tried not to feel greedy.

not that i'm saying there's a definite relationship between the pennies and my life, but my week did get more interesting.

first, i met ben affleck. well, i use the term "met" loosely. we exchanged pleasantries and i chuckled at a joke he made that i've heard before. he came to the factory for a meeting re: his non-profit organization in eastern congo. unfortunately, i didn't get the opportunity to discuss his work in the pbs mini-series voyage of the mimi, starring very young ben.

ah, memories of sixth grade. memories of learning about evolution for the very first time because the mimi crew went to the smithsonian and showed me how similar whale bone structure and bird bone structure are. fascinating! i couldn't believe no one had told me about this! of course, my mom wasn't too thrilled with my newfound knowledge when i told her, so we had a little bible study about creationism and how the devil speaks through science, etc. in my bedroom that evening. i felt horrible for being tricked and prayed about it a lot...but still ended up being an anthropology major. and i think it started, albeit a bit indirectly, with ben affleck. so you see, we would have had a lot to talk about. maybe next time.

on wednesday, i was on the local morning news for national milk chocolate day! this meant being at work at 4:30am and hanging out with the news crew for four whole hours. it meant standing at the bus stop with a tray of chocolate and trying not to think about the dozens of invisible viewers on the other side of the camera lens while i smiled awkwardly. it was a growing experience. more things i'd like to discuss with ben affleck: how to not be camera-shy. i won't post that link here 'cause it's embarrassing, but i'm sure you can find it if you want.

and yesterday, i finally redeemed my birthday gift certificate for ROLLER SKATES!!!!!!

that's right: real skates.

skates that i can skate outside in.

or in a rink.

or, someday, in....derby.

i took them out to green lake immediately and practiced, which means i found a tiny ten-foot unoccupied patch of sidewalk by the men's restroom and went back and forth at .0005 mph. the thing that's different about skating outside vs. inside is that, as previously mentioned, the only way i know how to brake is by running into wall. there is much too learn, but it's more fun to learn when you're giddy! tehehehehe!

other accomplishments this week: getting a changing table for the bathroom at work, going swimming twice even though seattle isn't giving me a proper summer, not breaking up with someone, playing music on the beach by a fire, changing my bike tire all by mahself, and helping tk exercise like i said i would.

thank you, goddesses of the lucky penny.

laundered

last night i had a dream that i feel should be super easy to interpret, but for some reason i am stumped.

i was driving my former housemate's prius (which i never did in real life; yikes! it was named 'space car' and i am terrified to touch nice things). she was the passenger. two roads diverged and i did not choose the one less traveled. the one that every other car was driving on was a GIANT-ASS HILL like this, only a thousand times bigger and steeper:



so steep and it went on forever and ever. and the hill had hills. i was afraid we couldn't do it, but hell, it's space car.

so i stepped on the gas and we followed the cars up giant-ass hill. the little hills on the big hill became like ramps and soon all the cars were flying through the air and landing back on the road.

that is until we did NOT land back on the road. at some point all the cars fell off and into the water below. no one was hurt. it was so ridiculous i think we might have even been laughing. just bobbing up and down in the water all bewildered...me thinking about how i would be in debt for the rest of my life, etc.



anyway, take a stab at that if you want.

not having a computer at home is a blessing and a curse. really. so what have i been up to this past month...?

well, i think we can all agree the past 30 days or so has been the tigeriest month in year of the tiger thus far. a real roller coaster, etc. personally, i haven't done most of those things i said i was gonna do in the last post to better myself. i went the mischief route and boy am i glad i did.

i have, however, cried a lot lately. that should have been one of my goals so i could check it off the 'ol list. cried 'cause liz left us (miss you miss you miss you!), cried 'cause i read a sad book, cried 'cause i was pmsing while reading said book, and 'cause i wanted to quit my job: you know, the usual things that people cry about. i'm straying far away from the bi-annual bawling. perhaps the tragic new year tear explosion was a good catalyst...maybe it started melting my heart of stone. huh.

and all the crying happened in the midst of pride, my best birthday ever (i got roller skates!!!), the liz move, my long weekend trip to explore the queer scene of minneapolis, and me getting sick yet again.

so here i am. in the middle of seattle non-summer (this is not summer). being all unsettled and unsure of my next move. fantasizing about the future, mostly being depressed about the present.

hmm...let's see what life has been like through the most recent images on my picture phone:

my big news of the month is that when liz left, she kindly sold me here mattress, so for the very first time in my whole entire life, i have a grown-up size bed!! seriously! it's so exciting! i want to be on it alllll the time.

and i was able to donate old twin mattress to a good cause:

oh, look what i saw at the grocery!:



really? antioxidant?! really? is this legal??

k, now this is what megan recently did this to me and it ended up being my new favorite thing ever: she took her fresh warm out of the dryer laundry and dumped it all over my lucky body!!! wow! bliss! heaven! why didn't anyone tell me about this before??


lastly, less recently, just for nostalgia, we have the last moment i remember being at peace. peace that rivals the bliss of being covered in a pile of clean, warm clothes:

not a bob ross painting folks, but the hoh-freakin'-rainforest. sometime in january. watching the salmon spawn.

bearing down

to stop doing/habits to break:

• complaining about how messy my kitchen is
• revealing all of my secrets
• calling people i shouldn't call (this includes texting people i shouldn't text, emailing people i shouldn't email, makingeyesatgettingdrinkshuggingkissingcuddlingdirtydancingwith, etc.
• buying lunch
• eating chocolate for lunch
• buying things (this includes drinks, ebay items, vintage lingerie, etc.)
• overbooking
• self-loathing

to start doing/habits to form:

• eating more vegetables
• taking care of myself
• helping my cat tk exercise
• enjoying people

i know i just did a cleanse, but these things just need to happen for good. for my good, for your good, for final good.

yesterday i attended my second birth. i won't write about it in great detail like the last one, but it's making me think about things just as much. the labor was over 20 hours. she did everything right, but in the end, after 4 hours of pushing, her pelvic arch ended up being too narrow to let the baby pass and she ended up having a c-section. she also ended up having a beautiful, healthy baby.

i have a lot to process about the whole experience, but today i'd like to talk about pushing. the way she pushed with an epidural was ridiculously powerful. an epidural numbs you from the waist down...so normally you feel an uncontrollable urge to push and you make these really loud, incredible noises and keep your eyes open. but when you are numb they have to tell you when to push, even though you can't really feel what's going on in your body. you have to do it differently; holding your breath and closing your eyes.

this mama was a model, goldstar pusher. but a lot of women push wrong (at least in the beginning). it's really difficult to focus the power in the right place, so it's pretty common for women to do something called diffused pushing; they overstrain and the energy goes all over their bodies and makes them tense. it's exhausting and it doesn't move the baby down...the only thing is does is hurt, frustrate you, and wear your body out.

what helps with this problem is visualization of the baby moving down and out. sometimes imaginary, and sometimes with an actual mirror so you can see the head crowning. and that can be all it takes.

diffused pushing: that's pretty much how i feel i'm living right now. i'm definitely using a lot of energy, but i think it's just exhausting me, but going to god knows where...all the wrong places. so i want to think things more strategically. or more intentionally. and with more focus. efficiency.

i'll spare you and not get carried away with the analogy, which i am fully aware is kind of cheesy to begin with (but if you're interested, i think i could develop it quite nicely...something about a metaphorical mirror and a metaphorical head crowning and--tehe, stopping now.), but at any rate, there it is.

hence the list.

however, all of this self-improvement is complicated by a few things: i'm not on call for a whole month, pride is in two weeks, my birthday is the next week, fourth of july the next week, possible weekend trip to minneapolis the next week...a lot of trouble around the corner. and i already kicked things off last night with a strong drink which led to: dancing to bad pop music, a party under a bridge, a marching band, a belly dancer, toooo many text messages, an abandoned building with abandoned files, the lusty lady, and a talk on the front porch until 7:30am.

just sayin'.

don't expect me to be a saint or anything. gotta get my kicks.