ass manger*

oh hey, it's my monthly dropping a line to my probably dwindling readerhood (two-day later edit! welcome new readers i just discovered!). today i'm reporting from my cleaner-than-it's-ever-been room, with tk curled up at my feet, candlelight only, and devotchka pandora....if you think that sounds magical, you're right. this is actually what's happening, live (actually, it's not live anymore. this edited post is 2 days old, but you can imagine when it was live):


but alas, my hungry-and-maybe-pretend followers, this is the eve of a new era! an era of good mental health, daily balance, the birth of a birth business, and a reclamation of my social life.

....and the transition's a bitch. right now i sort of have three jobs: i'm helping to hire and train my replacement at theo (during the thick of valentine's season, so you can imagine how that was), i start training to be a barback/doorperson in the gayborhood, and i'm on call for a birth at this very minute.

but then my life will be bliss! i will have my day times back ! i will spend time in nature! i will make cheese! i will either befriend a goat or someone who owns a goat! i will find a couch for our living room and patronize the businesses in by neighborhood! i'm so effing excited to be a normal human being and to see what happens in the world when one's not at work!

besides taking an entire month to quit my job, i've been piece-by-piece collecting the tools, skillz, and inspiration i'll need to launch myself into above-described life.

i started by finally taking the gay kickboxing class at the ymca and the lizzes are always raving about, and for good reason! my high school tae bo experience really prepared me for what would have completely kicked my ass...it's not actually gay kickboxing; and the main demographic of the class is straight women (with a couple of their straight boyfriends who they dragged along). but donny, the instructor, is gay and i am gay, and that made it...something. anyway, it was absolutely amazing and if you're not kickboxing to dance music re-mixes with donny, you're not really kickboxing. that's what i think.

if my life this month were a movie montage, it would start in the kickboxing class to dance music from the best of bootie, which you should all go listen to immediately, or maybe eye of the tiger, like in persepolis, and during my sweaty cross-punching, you'd see:

• my frantic, studious note-taking during a cheese-making class, with a serious look on my face as i plot how to obtain a goat...
• many pathetic scenes of me attempting to shop for new interview/work clothes, including going somewhere i haven't been in approximately 10 years: the mall. the suburban mall. luckily, i had the guidance of my fashion guru/someone who actually knows how to shop. her name is renai, and i credit her with my purchase of $20 dansco clogs from buffalo exchange today, which i wouldn't have thought of buying without her mentorship.
• a lot of empty wine bottles
• several interviews...me trying to hire someone, me trying to be hired, me super nervous
• asha coming out of hiding again and eating for the first time in months...me watching her shovel little bits of lettuce and pear into her teeny tiny mouth
  

um, then it'd pan back to gay kickboxing, and donny giving me a high-five and me with my hands on my hips, doing a little step touch while my heart rate goes back to normal, looking at my red-faced, smirking self in the wall-to-wall mirrors and being a bit pleased with the girl looking back at me for pulling this all together semi-successfully...yeah...

*dreamy face*



meanwhile, we might be having snowpocalypse part 2 tonight, while i'm supposed to be at work and maybe at the birth.

i'm kind of looking at going to ohio for a few days in early april. i want to see my mamaw while she's in relatively decent health, and i'd like to see my little sister's high school musical. actual text from claudia re: musical:

"i got the baker's wife in into the woods. if ur not familiar with the musical it's like, the lead. lol"

so, how can i pass that up?

well, if i can't afford it i'll have to pass it up.

i was talking to malinda on the phone today and venting about how it would be nice, for once (just once!), if mom and dad offered to chip in on the plane ticket. they're always lamenting about how far away we are and how much they'd love to see us...which was a slippery slope for venting about our parents in general.

me: "do you think dad thinks he's a good dad?
mal: "ha! yes! do you remember when i told him he was a bad father and that he should go to a parenting class?"
me: "not really? maybe, vaguely...?"
mal: "well i did, and he actually went to a parenting seminar, and do you know what it was called?"
me: "...?"
mal: "'you're a better parent than you think.' so, yes, i think he thinks he's a good dad. he found a professional to verify that."

and there you have it.

*the actual subject line of an emailed resume and cover letter that came in for to replace me. not the person we're hiring, obvs.

second coming of teh kitteh

here's my summary of 2010: a pretty intense year, with a lot of difficult, intense things, and a few really amazing, redeeming happenings.

difficult things:

• the beginning of urban family scatter/my friends start getting eaten by law school and other adulty things that threaten to snatch them away from me
• coming out to my family...and them pretending it never happened...
  
• having my job consume my life, and possibly parts of my soul (they may never grow back)
• being with oliver while he died
• my mamaw's health

amazing things:

• my urban family an d how much i love them and they love me
  
• coming out to my family...finding that i have some surprise allies
• quitting my job (hellz yeah, this is officially happening in less then a month!)
• being in love with the cutest 'lil taurus there ever was
• attending three births

urban family and i brought in the new year completely sober, standing in a circle of hippies, barefoot in a yoga studio, with a 2-minute "ohm" and a handful of rose petals.


in the hours that followed were not sober. we danced and grinned until dawn. yes, until dawn.

and here we are!!

i suppose resolution time is past due. i'm not going to bother analyzing my progress on last year's list, as is my usual tradition. i did some shit, and i didn't do some shit. the shit i didn't do that i still want to do will rollover to this year's list. deal? deal.

i started a list on the typewriter and here it is:

1. fix my bike (this means: replace stolen handlebars)
2. learn to make cheese (and this is also happening next week!)
3. can or pickle something
4. fix the button on those jeans i've been holding on to for 2 years
5. go to portland
6. go somewhere i've never been
7. go to yoga. don't stop going to yoga
8. learn something about gardening
9. learn to use power tools
10. finish my doula certification

oh, yeah, there: a nice, round list. oh, and find a job. i really gotta find a job. and probably start reading books that are neither re: childbirth or young adult fantasy fiction. and also, go back to the rainforest. yes.

good enough?

i think i'm in for a year to remember. the universe is surely shifting...

radio sylence

hello.

hello there. remember me? i used to write things for to entertain and delight you?

two months is officially my record for longest period of silence. i haven't been journaling instead, nor have i been traveling, nor abducted, away from technology, tangled in christmas lights, lost my fingers, etc. the reasons i haven't been writing are simple and two:

1. the holidays
2. love

the former means i live at work more than usual...like today will be my 7th day in a row at work, and my 55th hour of work this since Monday...all in the name of holiday shopping. and holiday spirit, cheer, goodwill, endless joy, ever-grateful customers:

lady: *without greeting or any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity* "um, i see that the holiday 4 bar pack is on sale."
me: "yes, it is."
lady: *rolls eyes for reason unknown* "well, the pack comes with one of each bar, but i just want 4 peppermint bars, so it that discounted?"
me: "no, i'm sorry, the sale is on the bar pack."
lady: *talking more slowly, so that i can understand* "but...i...want...4...peppermint...bars."
me: "i see that. sorry, the sale is on the bar pack. i'm happy to tie a ribbon around the bars for you! *smile*"
lady: *through clenched teeth* "but...i'd...be...getting...4...bars...why...can't....i...get...the...discount?"
me: "sorry, ma'am (i only call people ma'am in situations like these). it's not set up like that in the system. there's nothing i can do about that."
lady: *raises eyebrows and smirks* "hmph. well that's too bad for you, 'cause i would have bought 4 of these." *walks away in huff*

and an interaction like that is inevitably followed by a cheerful middle-aged man, who probably made a comment about "ohhh how can you eat all the chocolate and still keep your figure ohhhh!", who then winks at me while i'm ringing up his purchase, "must be REAL rough to work in a place like THIS. yup, must be SO HARD to eat chocolate all the time for your JOB. i'll bet no one's every grumpy in a places like THIS. must be REAL rough. now i will chuckle at my own joke. i am SO pleased with myself for having MASTERED the art of subtle sarcasm. har har har."

anyway, my last entry was me griping about customers, so i'll spare subjecting you to more of my retail woes. but i have more stories, if you're interested...so yes, work: time consuming, soul consuming.

more importantly, #2. i'm in love.


yay!!! maybe i won't die fat and alone, eaten by wild dogs...it is kind of like julie andrews frolicking through a meadow! the hills are, indeed, alive! ...i'll save the rest for my journal, 'cause it's just gonna be me being all ooey & gooey and i think a fair amount of people who know me already want to slap me at this point. and i kind of do, too...but if you wanted to ask me about it, i might want to talk about it...just sayin'.


yup, so that's pretty much where i've been. all beaming and shit. now you have at least two things to talk to me about next time you talk to me.

some other notable things have happened. for happy and for sad.

i was hired today by my first official doula client!

i'm finally going to take a cheese-making class.

and, in the sad headline section, our beloved oliver passed last week. he had congestive heart failure, and his health deteriorated very rapidly. we ended up putting him down and it was very, very sad. we'll miss you very much, oliver.

equation

two customer interactions:

wednesday: a woman walks in to the store. i'm working alone. i'm in horrible, foul mood. but, alas, customer service game face. the woman is there to pick up a donation for some event. we donated a giant basket full of chocolate and treats. i hand it to her with a big 'ol smile and say, "thanks. have a good day!" to which she replies, "you'll have a better day than me, rest assured." what is that? what is that?

friday: i'm corresponding via email with a man trying to arrange to bring a tour into the store. after a few exchanges, he signs his email:

Yours, dipped in chocolate,

(figuratively)

Joe Schmoe (name changed to protect creeper's identity)



ew. i mean, i get that he thinks that's clever, like the people who make willy wonka jokes and the people who ask me how i keep my figure working around sweets all day (*snort*). they just can't resist the urge to make bad jokes and i must decide whether to humor them or pretend not to get the joke.

anyway, these experiences are adding up and fueling the fire i lit under my ass after doing some life-planning math on the busride home wednesday. how do i balance practicality and happiness? how do i plan a life where i can have my cake and eat it, too (and STILL maintain this figure...bahahahahahaha! get it?)?

i have answered these questions. i have balanced the equation. i know the key to success. but i can't tell you...yet.

in other news...mmm, no other news. just work, sleep, work. work.

retreat

this weekend i decided i need to talk a lot less.

i went to a wedding on john's island in the san juans. according to the 2000 census, the island has a population of five.

this weekend was multi-generational summer camp. it was community yoga and hippie dancing and deep, goofy discussions and vegan food that made you think, "i would be vegan if i got to eat like this everyday."

it was peace and love, mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and shit-talking.

my body hurts a lot, but in a good way. in a stretched out way and in a my-hips-are-bruised-from-sleeping-on-the-ground-in-the-fetal-position way.

i saw baby deer eating some leaves outside my tent. and a seal and an eagle.

at midnight, i sat in a meadow under stars i haven't seen in a long time with someone i love who said, "i figured it out: you're not a person, you're just another part of the universe."

the next day we were supposed to be silent, but i wanted to talk. i had a lot of things to say. i wandered away from everyone and took a sun nap for a while, so i wouldn't bother the silent people.

i've been spending a lot of time this past week in the space between awake and asleep and my brain has been coming up with some crazy things.

instead of writing in my journal or blog, i've been keeping a running log on my typewriter (that's what happens when you don't have the internetz in your home). i just write the things that happen like, "accidentally left a red sharpie in my pants pocket and did a load of laundry" and "on my bike ride to work today, i was behind this girl all the way from 19th and yesler to gasworks park. i felt like a creeper, but we just have the same commute."

did i ever tell you about that tree in la push? it was a giant, giant tree. hundreds of years old before the ocean decided to wash it onto that particular beach. i actually thought it was a whale at first. it was so dark and the waves had hollowed out the bottom of the tree a bit, where the roots are. we climbed up inside when the tide was low. we heard the waves and nothing else. and it was pitch black, so we couldn't see anything. sky, ocean, beach, tree, people...there was no difference because there was no light.

so when i was taking that silent sun nap and lingering between consciousness and somewhere else, my brain was generating images of that tree and my typewriter and that conversation in the meadow.

when i woke up i felt: small and connected.

on families, mispronunciation, gays, bad luck, and planetary action

families:

i attended my third birth on wednesday, august 4th. this one was extra special to me because the new baby has two mamas. everything went smoothly. birth mama had an epidural, so she and her partner napped for a few hours while i ate cupcakes and read trashy celebrity magazines. then she woke up and popped out a 9 lbs. baby girl like it ain't no thang. they were all beautiful. another little leo in the world, making a grand entrance with cocorosie playing in the background. they brought a little magazine clipping about these gay penguins at a zoo who wanted to parent so badly, they kept stealing everyone else's eggs. finally, the zoo gave them some abandoned eggs to hatched and they turned out to be the best penguin parents in the whole zoo.

this past week my family came to visit. we are a much different family than the one described above. this was the first time i've seen them in over a year and i remember why i don't visit them more often (as if i could forget). they still lecture me about everything, like that time i was 13 and didn't finish my antibitotics. (sorry, okay! sorry! i can't still be sorry 12 years later...sorry, world for the super germs and everything...).

we hold hands and pray before every meal. in public. i just keep my eyes open and sigh. they tell god what they won't tell me. "let becca now that we are proud of her and that we love her..." why don't they just let me know? why is it god's job? my dad pronounces the "l" in salmon. this is very embarassing because it's a word you say a lot in seattle. he will not be corrected.

i kept them busy. i tried to be positive. we had a bbq at the park and all my friends came to meet the family. "you're family's so adorable!" "oh they were really nice!" is what my friends said. i was hyper aware of every f-bomb dropped and worried about whether i should tell them that they're socializing with somone i'm kind of dating...

gays:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day the court rules prop 8 unconstitutional. i know we have a long way to go, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and two gay victories made it an extra special day.

my little sister and i talked about my coming out letter for the first time. i told her everything and she was so impressively open and non-judgmental. she said, "i'm glad you told us. i think you did the right thing." she's smart. she's too smart for her high school and for our town. here, we went to youth readings and art walks and outdoor movies and restaurants together. i want to rescue her from ohio.

bad luck:

my purse got stolen last week from a bar. at first, i tried to have faith in humanity and thought that perhaps someone had taken it by mistake. then they started using my cards and my phone. then i got really cynical and told everyone, even the lady who cut my hair. i wanted the world to pity me. who does that? how to such shitty people exist? people who make multiple $50 purchases at the chevron in renton?

planetary action:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day that saturn, venus, and mars are all visible together in the sky. i haven't seen them yet. the night before, there were solar flares the reflected in such a way that you were supposed to be able to see the northern lights from seattle. we were already in bed, but we made ourselves get up and drive around to look for them. all we saw was weird lightning in the east. maybe it was the solar flares?

this week the persiads peaked. i didn't see them. it's too light in the city and i was too tired to stay up past 11pm. but on our way home the other night, claudia, idil, and i stopped in a park and found some people looking through a high-powered telescope. they were looking at jupiter and its moons. we could see four of the moons. jupiter has at least 63 moons.

brush with fame

okay, before i forget, things i will make when i live in a kitchen i can use:

• pickles
• bread
• cheese
• granola
• ketchup
• salad dressing
• hummus
• eggs (and by that i mean get chickens!)
• a garden

i'm in major house crushdom right now. this morning i looked at this charming, adorable 'lil house right in the neighborhood where i want to be with hardwood floors and a big island in the kitchen and a deck and a backyard with so many green things and even a tiny itty bitty pond. we'll see if they offer it to us, but even so, fantasizing about becca, the super diy homemaker, are making my heart flutter. giving up all of my extra-curriculars to stay home and make shit. delicious shit that i can eat...mmm...stay tuned for updates.

so on monday i was walking down the street and i saw a penny heads up. i'm not as superstitious as you probably think, but i like to pretend i believe...usually i see the penny, pause to evaluate, decide whether i'm happy with my life, and act accordingly. if nothing else, it's a good exercise in counting my blessings. generally, i decide to leave the penny for someone less fortunate than i, and hopefully in exchange for a bit of good karma (which i also don't believe in as much as you probably think...*ahem*).

but monday, i picked the penny up, 'cause that's how things have been going and i can use all the help i can get. and then i kept finding pennies this week.

four pennies! heads up!

i took them all and tried not to feel greedy.

not that i'm saying there's a definite relationship between the pennies and my life, but my week did get more interesting.

first, i met ben affleck. well, i use the term "met" loosely. we exchanged pleasantries and i chuckled at a joke he made that i've heard before. he came to the factory for a meeting re: his non-profit organization in eastern congo. unfortunately, i didn't get the opportunity to discuss his work in the pbs mini-series voyage of the mimi, starring very young ben.

ah, memories of sixth grade. memories of learning about evolution for the very first time because the mimi crew went to the smithsonian and showed me how similar whale bone structure and bird bone structure are. fascinating! i couldn't believe no one had told me about this! of course, my mom wasn't too thrilled with my newfound knowledge when i told her, so we had a little bible study about creationism and how the devil speaks through science, etc. in my bedroom that evening. i felt horrible for being tricked and prayed about it a lot...but still ended up being an anthropology major. and i think it started, albeit a bit indirectly, with ben affleck. so you see, we would have had a lot to talk about. maybe next time.

on wednesday, i was on the local morning news for national milk chocolate day! this meant being at work at 4:30am and hanging out with the news crew for four whole hours. it meant standing at the bus stop with a tray of chocolate and trying not to think about the dozens of invisible viewers on the other side of the camera lens while i smiled awkwardly. it was a growing experience. more things i'd like to discuss with ben affleck: how to not be camera-shy. i won't post that link here 'cause it's embarrassing, but i'm sure you can find it if you want.

and yesterday, i finally redeemed my birthday gift certificate for ROLLER SKATES!!!!!!

that's right: real skates.

skates that i can skate outside in.

or in a rink.

or, someday, in....derby.

i took them out to green lake immediately and practiced, which means i found a tiny ten-foot unoccupied patch of sidewalk by the men's restroom and went back and forth at .0005 mph. the thing that's different about skating outside vs. inside is that, as previously mentioned, the only way i know how to brake is by running into wall. there is much too learn, but it's more fun to learn when you're giddy! tehehehehe!

other accomplishments this week: getting a changing table for the bathroom at work, going swimming twice even though seattle isn't giving me a proper summer, not breaking up with someone, playing music on the beach by a fire, changing my bike tire all by mahself, and helping tk exercise like i said i would.

thank you, goddesses of the lucky penny.