bearing down

to stop doing/habits to break:

• complaining about how messy my kitchen is
• revealing all of my secrets
• calling people i shouldn't call (this includes texting people i shouldn't text, emailing people i shouldn't email, makingeyesatgettingdrinkshuggingkissingcuddlingdirtydancingwith, etc.
• buying lunch
• eating chocolate for lunch
• buying things (this includes drinks, ebay items, vintage lingerie, etc.)
• overbooking
• self-loathing

to start doing/habits to form:

• eating more vegetables
• taking care of myself
• helping my cat tk exercise
• enjoying people

i know i just did a cleanse, but these things just need to happen for good. for my good, for your good, for final good.

yesterday i attended my second birth. i won't write about it in great detail like the last one, but it's making me think about things just as much. the labor was over 20 hours. she did everything right, but in the end, after 4 hours of pushing, her pelvic arch ended up being too narrow to let the baby pass and she ended up having a c-section. she also ended up having a beautiful, healthy baby.

i have a lot to process about the whole experience, but today i'd like to talk about pushing. the way she pushed with an epidural was ridiculously powerful. an epidural numbs you from the waist down...so normally you feel an uncontrollable urge to push and you make these really loud, incredible noises and keep your eyes open. but when you are numb they have to tell you when to push, even though you can't really feel what's going on in your body. you have to do it differently; holding your breath and closing your eyes.

this mama was a model, goldstar pusher. but a lot of women push wrong (at least in the beginning). it's really difficult to focus the power in the right place, so it's pretty common for women to do something called diffused pushing; they overstrain and the energy goes all over their bodies and makes them tense. it's exhausting and it doesn't move the baby down...the only thing is does is hurt, frustrate you, and wear your body out.

what helps with this problem is visualization of the baby moving down and out. sometimes imaginary, and sometimes with an actual mirror so you can see the head crowning. and that can be all it takes.

diffused pushing: that's pretty much how i feel i'm living right now. i'm definitely using a lot of energy, but i think it's just exhausting me, but going to god knows where...all the wrong places. so i want to think things more strategically. or more intentionally. and with more focus. efficiency.

i'll spare you and not get carried away with the analogy, which i am fully aware is kind of cheesy to begin with (but if you're interested, i think i could develop it quite nicely...something about a metaphorical mirror and a metaphorical head crowning and--tehe, stopping now.), but at any rate, there it is.

hence the list.

however, all of this self-improvement is complicated by a few things: i'm not on call for a whole month, pride is in two weeks, my birthday is the next week, fourth of july the next week, possible weekend trip to minneapolis the next week...a lot of trouble around the corner. and i already kicked things off last night with a strong drink which led to: dancing to bad pop music, a party under a bridge, a marching band, a belly dancer, toooo many text messages, an abandoned building with abandoned files, the lusty lady, and a talk on the front porch until 7:30am.

just sayin'.

don't expect me to be a saint or anything. gotta get my kicks.

circle of cool

well, i'm sick again. damnit. i was just sick in february, when i posted those adorable 'lil flipbooks from my sick den. my time budget only allows sickness to happen once a year, so this is unacceptable. i'm constantly raving about my strong immune system (always followed by knocking on wood, of course) and this is the appreciation i get. betrayal!

this time the sick itself isn't so bad. i think i'm more or less nipping it in the bud with tea, sleep, garlic, emergen-c, and liz's hippie cold drugs. but the timing of the sick is bad. 'cause i'm supposed to help a baby get born any day now! and i have to interview four people for jobs tomorrow!

it's no surprise. year of the tiger has been kicking my ass... i have marched forth SO boldly. i have shat rather than getting off the pot! it's been good and it's been fun, but i've been getting myself into a bit of trouble lately because i've gained so much momentum and i can't stop! i'm running down a giant hill of crazy and the only way to stop is to fall on my ass! hard...so maybe it's not betrayal; maybe it's the universe tripping me for my own good, trying to stop me while i'm ahead.

wednesday, after eating roughly half a gallon of rocky road ice cream, i went roller skating. it was adult skate night. my goal fir the evening was to learn how to brake: first step to roller derbydom. i quickly realized that my goal was too lofty and adjusted it accordingly. new evening goal: try to make upper body less awkward. small steps. i was doing just fine and even well until the lights came on and the hokey pokey started. i knew it was beyond my skill level, so for half the song i resisted the urge to join and just kept skating in circles. but at some point that year or the tiger impulse i've been feeding just pulled me into the center. jesus christ! i don't know what i was thinking. i mean, i wasn't. that's the whole problem with me lately. no consequential thinking skillz. so i skated into the middle and, predictably, ate shit. and almost pulled my friend down with me. and flashed the whole rink (full of very cool people...some derby girls, i'm sure) because i thought skating in a skirt would be cute.

no more tricks the rest of the night. i just concentrated on not falling again, hoping that someone would approach me at the end of the night. "say, we were watching you and you definitely have a lot of raw talentl. we see it in your eyes! come with us; we'll befriend you and teach you everything we know! and by the way, falling during hokey pokey: cute. very cute. *wink*"

...a girl can dream.

that's about all the blog-appropriate material i have for you today. i've been busy with many important things, such as: working 60 hours a week, helping lesbians move with a uhaul (tehe), kissing too many people for my own good, planning successful art walk events, giving celebrity chocolate factory tours, taking my boss's 14-year-old son to a lesbian bar to watch slam poetry, finally going to canada, finally going to queer canadian dance parties and dancing with a moustached lady, watching the sockit wenches kick ass at the championship bout, and, of course, being sick and lonely.

sick. alone. by myself. by my lonesome.

*sniffle*

*weak cough*

(psst! cue for everyone to bring me movies and backrubs and cuddle with me while we watch the movies you brought...)