me me me meeeeee

(my mcdonald's birthday party, c. 1990)

disclaimer: the only thing this entry is about is how unbelievably cute i used to be.


i just watched a home video of 5-year-old self. it explains so much about who i am today.

scene 1: my older sister mal and i supposed to be doing our barbie tape routine for the camera. mal, always the performer, is singing into a hairbrush and dancing to her original choreography. me: i'm wearing this pink dress that my grandma made me. i used to wear every single day. my mom would have to come up with creative ways to trick me out of it long enough to give it a good washing every now and then. so, mal singing. me spinning in circles. around and around and around. in my own world. watching the skirt poof out. i would fall. and get back up. and keep spinning. with a dumb, but ridiculously adorable, smile on my face. much of my childhood (an estimated 61%) was spent spinning in this pink dress. until i outgrew it. then i moved on to my sister's identical purple one. ah, hand-me-downs...

scene 2: christmas 1990. my pajama shirt is clearly on backwards and my hair is everywhere, with evidence of a side ponytail. i am completely unaware of the fact that i look fucking crazy, as i unwrap boxes of sweatsuits. then, i open the golden present of 1990: a neon pink book bag (with a jesus fish on it) with my very own bible inside. a bible with my name engraved on the front in gold letters. i am completely amazed by the fact that "they knew my name" and ask my mother over and over and over again how "they knew my name" in a voice that is too high and squeaky for the human ear to understand. perhaps that's why my mother ignored me over and over again. five minutes later, the entire family is in front of the camera. mal and i, in our new matching sweatsuits, are each holding an end of our poor cat, amanda "miss kitty." i am holding the ass. as is the annual ritual (still today!), we all sing carols to our future selves. smart-ass mal and myself decide to be clever and replace the words of "i'm dreaming of a white christmas" with "meow meow meow meow meow-meow," much to dad's annoyance and mom's amusement. the final shot is me running towards the camera holding poor amanda "miss kitty." suddenly i fall, out of the camera's view. a second later i pop up unharmed. still holding poor, tortured amanda "miss kitty."

i was spacey, weird, and always in my own world (probably because no one understood me when i talked, due to pitch). i refused to wear pants and tortured animals, only because i loved them too damn much.

other than puberty and a few more social skills, little else seems to have changed. in fact, i might be less cool and am definitely less cute. and i'm a worse dresser. oh man...