cold day in july

the seattle weather gods are smiting us with 60 degree weather at the end of july.

i'm wallowing in some unidentified emotion, sitting alone in my room with the window shut, listening to my post-love mix (which is making everything better and worse).

i'm not even post-love. i just feel like it. because of the weather, my flat bike tire, my kidney stone, friends breaking up, friends moving away, friends crying, residents crying, coworkers quitting, me wanting to quit, wanting so so so so soooo badly to be done, pending jobs, pending house, pending crushes, money money money, overspending, over-committing, over-processing race, class, & gender, overdue library books...

sometimes i hate being a cancer.

zelda dumpstered an "astrological love affinity decoder" for me. it is now one of my top 6 material possessions.

top 6 material possessions (in no significant order):
-saw
-bike
-rilke's book of hours
-journal
-hula hoop
-astrological love affinity decoder

anyway, it's to help two people figure out their compatibility based on sun signs. compatibility is divided into the following categories: passion, tolerance, stability, concord, heaven match. the decoder is v. helpful...in knowing...the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship....well, tell me your sun sign and i'll give you our score.

i went to a music festival this past weekend. bluegrass jam bands and peacocks everywhere. in trees. everywhere. i saw an albino peacock. and some baby peacocks. i found a tiny feather, but not the kind you're probably thinking of. you can see a little blue and green if you hold it to the light a certain way. i'm keeping it as a reminder of how peaceful i felt for 48 hours.

yesterday when i woke up i thought, "i'm going to collect the feathers i find today." by dinnertime, i had three beautiful feathers that i stuck in my nubbin of a pigtail. i gave those away to my friends. today i found two more. right now i have six visible feathers hanging out in my room.

i also finally took off my shell necklace from durban. finally. it's been around my neck since my dreadies came off. now: an empty heart-shaped locket from i don't-know-where and an origami crane charm from my sister. i'm waiting for something good and tiny to put inside the locket.

my room. my room is a disaster. it keeps getting worse and worse. i have no will to put anything where it goes and a strange desire to create mess. someone knocked my jar of seaglass onto the floor. there it remains. batteries, beer bottles, scissors, a cheese slicer, thread, painkillers, dirty laundry, and feathers feathers feathers. my room is usually pretty immaculate. but right now i want it to be a disaster. why?

but i have kept the little plant that ashley gave me for my birthday alive. i look at it everyday and remember to water it, if nothing else. it's grown at least a centimeter.