something in the deli aisle made me cry

can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in the universe right now? mercury isn't even in retrograde (although, dear lord, it's going to be next week for nearly a month!), but things are pretty broken right now.

probably needless to say, my life didn't get as instantly perfect as i thought when i quit theo. i've had a lot of things piling up for a very long time, and, as they say, something's gotta give.

it's hard to believe i never used to cry, because this past week i wept like an angry baby. or maybe a sad baby. or an overwhelmed baby.

i know that i'm being selfish and that life could be a whole lot worse than broken cars, bad colds, bank account errors, and cell phones possibly lost in dumpsters at 2am, when your clothes are soaking wet and your fingers are all wrinkly and smell like tartar sauce....

i know that.

my recent tantrums have pretty much been like they've been whenever i've had tantrums throughout my life: "it's *sobsob* not *snort* faaaiirrrrr *many sobs*"

yes, that's pretty much been my mantra at age 5, 15, and 25. over the same stupid things, more or less.

...i don't know what i'm getting at, really. maybe because it's 4am (wow, i'm turning nocturnal! i didn't think it was possible...).

here's what i need:

• a whole week to sleep (this will never happen)
• a mentor and/or therapist (if anyone has any recommendations for someone older, wiser, or professionally trained to listen to my problems and tell me what to do for a reasonable price, please let me know.)
• everyone who interacts with me regularly to be patient with me.

i think i just needed to throw a bit of a fit, let it out...put things into perspective so i can be free to move on to stuff that matters.

but i needed to be selfish for a minute.

blood and sand

guess what time it is? monday at noon! guess where i'm not? work!

i'm emerging, slightly weary and worn, but that's to be expected. i just lived through one of the craziest weeks of my life to date.

i was training my replacement at theo, attended a birth, took care of my lady post-wisdom tooth extraction, and started my new job.


and bam! here i am on the other side of things. the blurry, exhausted calm after the storm, and i'm trying to determine whether or not i lived through it, and what injuries i have, and what exactly happened.

kind of like liam, the baby who came into the world at 10:09pm on tuesday, after an 18-hour labor and nearly every medical intervention possible. i really think he wanted to stay in there, and i don't blame him. he was over 9lbs, and had this 'lil baby "who dares disturb my slumber!" look on his face.

friday i said goobye to theo in a rush. the store gave me an orchid. i'm afraid of killing it. the last person i hugged was the cfo, who nobody hugs, but i was crying and i think he was afraid, so he went along with it at least.

i went straight to my first 10-hour shift, which was also opening night at the bar. i arrived at 4pm to a state of utter chaos. seriously. the tables were being drilled together, shelves were being attached to walls, there were at least 15 people buzzing around in panic mode, trying to pull everything together. we opened at 5pm. i opened. i turned the key and welcomed the very first customer through the door. a birth, of sorts. i'm good at those transitions.

an 18 hour labor on tuesday. an 18 hour labor on friday.

that's a lot of laboring.

saturday i cried again. i couldn't think of why i was crying. it was just a physical manifestation of unprocessed emotions.

i never used to cry. remember when i only cried twice a year? well, ever since my cycle started to become regular, so did my tears. i think that's a good thing. i've always known i was emotional, but not being able to have the release of crying was always frustrating.

so. that was my week. whaddya think?

i think i could sleep for 100 years.


but there is much to be done. i'm kind of nervous. did i make the right choices? is voluntary quitting a good job and demoting oneself wise? i really am a horrible capitalist. i'm in serious need of a mentor, and of lots of people to tell me everything will be okay.

ass manger*

oh hey, it's my monthly dropping a line to my probably dwindling readerhood (two-day later edit! welcome new readers i just discovered!). today i'm reporting from my cleaner-than-it's-ever-been room, with tk curled up at my feet, candlelight only, and devotchka pandora....if you think that sounds magical, you're right. this is actually what's happening, live (actually, it's not live anymore. this edited post is 2 days old, but you can imagine when it was live):


but alas, my hungry-and-maybe-pretend followers, this is the eve of a new era! an era of good mental health, daily balance, the birth of a birth business, and a reclamation of my social life.

....and the transition's a bitch. right now i sort of have three jobs: i'm helping to hire and train my replacement at theo (during the thick of valentine's season, so you can imagine how that was), i start training to be a barback/doorperson in the gayborhood, and i'm on call for a birth at this very minute.

but then my life will be bliss! i will have my day times back ! i will spend time in nature! i will make cheese! i will either befriend a goat or someone who owns a goat! i will find a couch for our living room and patronize the businesses in by neighborhood! i'm so effing excited to be a normal human being and to see what happens in the world when one's not at work!

besides taking an entire month to quit my job, i've been piece-by-piece collecting the tools, skillz, and inspiration i'll need to launch myself into above-described life.

i started by finally taking the gay kickboxing class at the ymca and the lizzes are always raving about, and for good reason! my high school tae bo experience really prepared me for what would have completely kicked my ass...it's not actually gay kickboxing; and the main demographic of the class is straight women (with a couple of their straight boyfriends who they dragged along). but donny, the instructor, is gay and i am gay, and that made it...something. anyway, it was absolutely amazing and if you're not kickboxing to dance music re-mixes with donny, you're not really kickboxing. that's what i think.

if my life this month were a movie montage, it would start in the kickboxing class to dance music from the best of bootie, which you should all go listen to immediately, or maybe eye of the tiger, like in persepolis, and during my sweaty cross-punching, you'd see:

• my frantic, studious note-taking during a cheese-making class, with a serious look on my face as i plot how to obtain a goat...
• many pathetic scenes of me attempting to shop for new interview/work clothes, including going somewhere i haven't been in approximately 10 years: the mall. the suburban mall. luckily, i had the guidance of my fashion guru/someone who actually knows how to shop. her name is renai, and i credit her with my purchase of $20 dansco clogs from buffalo exchange today, which i wouldn't have thought of buying without her mentorship.
• a lot of empty wine bottles
• several interviews...me trying to hire someone, me trying to be hired, me super nervous
• asha coming out of hiding again and eating for the first time in months...me watching her shovel little bits of lettuce and pear into her teeny tiny mouth
  

um, then it'd pan back to gay kickboxing, and donny giving me a high-five and me with my hands on my hips, doing a little step touch while my heart rate goes back to normal, looking at my red-faced, smirking self in the wall-to-wall mirrors and being a bit pleased with the girl looking back at me for pulling this all together semi-successfully...yeah...

*dreamy face*



meanwhile, we might be having snowpocalypse part 2 tonight, while i'm supposed to be at work and maybe at the birth.

i'm kind of looking at going to ohio for a few days in early april. i want to see my mamaw while she's in relatively decent health, and i'd like to see my little sister's high school musical. actual text from claudia re: musical:

"i got the baker's wife in into the woods. if ur not familiar with the musical it's like, the lead. lol"

so, how can i pass that up?

well, if i can't afford it i'll have to pass it up.

i was talking to malinda on the phone today and venting about how it would be nice, for once (just once!), if mom and dad offered to chip in on the plane ticket. they're always lamenting about how far away we are and how much they'd love to see us...which was a slippery slope for venting about our parents in general.

me: "do you think dad thinks he's a good dad?
mal: "ha! yes! do you remember when i told him he was a bad father and that he should go to a parenting class?"
me: "not really? maybe, vaguely...?"
mal: "well i did, and he actually went to a parenting seminar, and do you know what it was called?"
me: "...?"
mal: "'you're a better parent than you think.' so, yes, i think he thinks he's a good dad. he found a professional to verify that."

and there you have it.

*the actual subject line of an emailed resume and cover letter that came in for to replace me. not the person we're hiring, obvs.

second coming of teh kitteh

here's my summary of 2010: a pretty intense year, with a lot of difficult, intense things, and a few really amazing, redeeming happenings.

difficult things:

• the beginning of urban family scatter/my friends start getting eaten by law school and other adulty things that threaten to snatch them away from me
• coming out to my family...and them pretending it never happened...
  
• having my job consume my life, and possibly parts of my soul (they may never grow back)
• being with oliver while he died
• my mamaw's health

amazing things:

• my urban family an d how much i love them and they love me
  
• coming out to my family...finding that i have some surprise allies
• quitting my job (hellz yeah, this is officially happening in less then a month!)
• being in love with the cutest 'lil taurus there ever was
• attending three births

urban family and i brought in the new year completely sober, standing in a circle of hippies, barefoot in a yoga studio, with a 2-minute "ohm" and a handful of rose petals.


in the hours that followed were not sober. we danced and grinned until dawn. yes, until dawn.

and here we are!!

i suppose resolution time is past due. i'm not going to bother analyzing my progress on last year's list, as is my usual tradition. i did some shit, and i didn't do some shit. the shit i didn't do that i still want to do will rollover to this year's list. deal? deal.

i started a list on the typewriter and here it is:

1. fix my bike (this means: replace stolen handlebars)
2. learn to make cheese (and this is also happening next week!)
3. can or pickle something
4. fix the button on those jeans i've been holding on to for 2 years
5. go to portland
6. go somewhere i've never been
7. go to yoga. don't stop going to yoga
8. learn something about gardening
9. learn to use power tools
10. finish my doula certification

oh, yeah, there: a nice, round list. oh, and find a job. i really gotta find a job. and probably start reading books that are neither re: childbirth or young adult fantasy fiction. and also, go back to the rainforest. yes.

good enough?

i think i'm in for a year to remember. the universe is surely shifting...

radio sylence

hello.

hello there. remember me? i used to write things for to entertain and delight you?

two months is officially my record for longest period of silence. i haven't been journaling instead, nor have i been traveling, nor abducted, away from technology, tangled in christmas lights, lost my fingers, etc. the reasons i haven't been writing are simple and two:

1. the holidays
2. love

the former means i live at work more than usual...like today will be my 7th day in a row at work, and my 55th hour of work this since Monday...all in the name of holiday shopping. and holiday spirit, cheer, goodwill, endless joy, ever-grateful customers:

lady: *without greeting or any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity* "um, i see that the holiday 4 bar pack is on sale."
me: "yes, it is."
lady: *rolls eyes for reason unknown* "well, the pack comes with one of each bar, but i just want 4 peppermint bars, so it that discounted?"
me: "no, i'm sorry, the sale is on the bar pack."
lady: *talking more slowly, so that i can understand* "but...i...want...4...peppermint...bars."
me: "i see that. sorry, the sale is on the bar pack. i'm happy to tie a ribbon around the bars for you! *smile*"
lady: *through clenched teeth* "but...i'd...be...getting...4...bars...why...can't....i...get...the...discount?"
me: "sorry, ma'am (i only call people ma'am in situations like these). it's not set up like that in the system. there's nothing i can do about that."
lady: *raises eyebrows and smirks* "hmph. well that's too bad for you, 'cause i would have bought 4 of these." *walks away in huff*

and an interaction like that is inevitably followed by a cheerful middle-aged man, who probably made a comment about "ohhh how can you eat all the chocolate and still keep your figure ohhhh!", who then winks at me while i'm ringing up his purchase, "must be REAL rough to work in a place like THIS. yup, must be SO HARD to eat chocolate all the time for your JOB. i'll bet no one's every grumpy in a places like THIS. must be REAL rough. now i will chuckle at my own joke. i am SO pleased with myself for having MASTERED the art of subtle sarcasm. har har har."

anyway, my last entry was me griping about customers, so i'll spare subjecting you to more of my retail woes. but i have more stories, if you're interested...so yes, work: time consuming, soul consuming.

more importantly, #2. i'm in love.


yay!!! maybe i won't die fat and alone, eaten by wild dogs...it is kind of like julie andrews frolicking through a meadow! the hills are, indeed, alive! ...i'll save the rest for my journal, 'cause it's just gonna be me being all ooey & gooey and i think a fair amount of people who know me already want to slap me at this point. and i kind of do, too...but if you wanted to ask me about it, i might want to talk about it...just sayin'.


yup, so that's pretty much where i've been. all beaming and shit. now you have at least two things to talk to me about next time you talk to me.

some other notable things have happened. for happy and for sad.

i was hired today by my first official doula client!

i'm finally going to take a cheese-making class.

and, in the sad headline section, our beloved oliver passed last week. he had congestive heart failure, and his health deteriorated very rapidly. we ended up putting him down and it was very, very sad. we'll miss you very much, oliver.

equation

two customer interactions:

wednesday: a woman walks in to the store. i'm working alone. i'm in horrible, foul mood. but, alas, customer service game face. the woman is there to pick up a donation for some event. we donated a giant basket full of chocolate and treats. i hand it to her with a big 'ol smile and say, "thanks. have a good day!" to which she replies, "you'll have a better day than me, rest assured." what is that? what is that?

friday: i'm corresponding via email with a man trying to arrange to bring a tour into the store. after a few exchanges, he signs his email:

Yours, dipped in chocolate,

(figuratively)

Joe Schmoe (name changed to protect creeper's identity)



ew. i mean, i get that he thinks that's clever, like the people who make willy wonka jokes and the people who ask me how i keep my figure working around sweets all day (*snort*). they just can't resist the urge to make bad jokes and i must decide whether to humor them or pretend not to get the joke.

anyway, these experiences are adding up and fueling the fire i lit under my ass after doing some life-planning math on the busride home wednesday. how do i balance practicality and happiness? how do i plan a life where i can have my cake and eat it, too (and STILL maintain this figure...bahahahahahaha! get it?)?

i have answered these questions. i have balanced the equation. i know the key to success. but i can't tell you...yet.

in other news...mmm, no other news. just work, sleep, work. work.

retreat

this weekend i decided i need to talk a lot less.

i went to a wedding on john's island in the san juans. according to the 2000 census, the island has a population of five.

this weekend was multi-generational summer camp. it was community yoga and hippie dancing and deep, goofy discussions and vegan food that made you think, "i would be vegan if i got to eat like this everyday."

it was peace and love, mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and shit-talking.

my body hurts a lot, but in a good way. in a stretched out way and in a my-hips-are-bruised-from-sleeping-on-the-ground-in-the-fetal-position way.

i saw baby deer eating some leaves outside my tent. and a seal and an eagle.

at midnight, i sat in a meadow under stars i haven't seen in a long time with someone i love who said, "i figured it out: you're not a person, you're just another part of the universe."

the next day we were supposed to be silent, but i wanted to talk. i had a lot of things to say. i wandered away from everyone and took a sun nap for a while, so i wouldn't bother the silent people.

i've been spending a lot of time this past week in the space between awake and asleep and my brain has been coming up with some crazy things.

instead of writing in my journal or blog, i've been keeping a running log on my typewriter (that's what happens when you don't have the internetz in your home). i just write the things that happen like, "accidentally left a red sharpie in my pants pocket and did a load of laundry" and "on my bike ride to work today, i was behind this girl all the way from 19th and yesler to gasworks park. i felt like a creeper, but we just have the same commute."

did i ever tell you about that tree in la push? it was a giant, giant tree. hundreds of years old before the ocean decided to wash it onto that particular beach. i actually thought it was a whale at first. it was so dark and the waves had hollowed out the bottom of the tree a bit, where the roots are. we climbed up inside when the tide was low. we heard the waves and nothing else. and it was pitch black, so we couldn't see anything. sky, ocean, beach, tree, people...there was no difference because there was no light.

so when i was taking that silent sun nap and lingering between consciousness and somewhere else, my brain was generating images of that tree and my typewriter and that conversation in the meadow.

when i woke up i felt: small and connected.