braincloud

i love nasal irrigation!

2011-11-19T17:16:00.000-08:00

i've caught my first texas cold!

leslie was sick earlier this week, and it was pretty much inevitable. which means this weekend i'm not able to do either of the things i had planned on doing: drink beer or go to a birth. not at the same time, obvs. but, alas, here i am, sitting amidst a dirty pile of tissues with only one more season of battlestar galactica left to watch.

the only consolation is that we finally got a netipot. it's something i've been meaning to do for a few years now, and i'm not sure why i haven't because it's the most satisfying thing ever! i want to do it all the time, and i plan on doing it even when i'm done being sick. i love shit like that! why haven't i used one before?!

life has been picking up. i'm already busy and somewhat sleep-deprived, which i see as a sign of building a healthy social life, yes? i've been making friends with some of my co-workers, and we've met some pretty swell people lately. i actually went dancing saturday and sunday night last week. yeah, that's right. and the sunday night dance party was at a vegan bakery doughnut party. larissa and liz b, we're gonna get you some goood vegan doughnuts when you come to visit. now that we've found quality vegan doughnuts, i think we can finally settle in here.

speaking of delicious food, thanksgiving is next week! in addition to my baby sister turning 17 years old, it means to break out the casserole dishes and the 'ol church cookbook. it means i need to stock up on sour cream, cheddar cheese, cream of mushroom soup, and crushed cornflakes: the staples for any decent midwest hotdish.

i planned on having our own 'lil tofurkey dinner here, but it turns out that we're actually getting invited places. whaaaa? our neighbors invited us next door, and described the menu in graphic detail. i'm pretty sure everything had bacon in the ingredients list, except for the turkey, but the thought was nice. also, my mom's childhood friend apparently lives in san antonio and keeps calling to invite me to dinner. it's a sweet gesture, but it makes me feel awkward all over. thanksgiving at a stranger's house? a stranger that may or may not know i'll be bringing my girlfriend and probably does not know what line of work i'm in? no thanks. so not all the invitations are super desirable, but it feels nice to be thought of anyway. i plan on fresh squeeze mimosas in the morning with our backyard neighbor, and some thanksgiving party hopping, hopefully resulting in either karaoke or a food coma.

in other news, i finally found some train conductor stripey pants. every time i go into a thrift store, i look for these pants. i've wanted them for years and years, ever since i outgrew some pink and white oshkoshbgosh overalls in third grade. finally, after a 16 year search, they are mine. ha! also, i found six amazing vintage hats, all feathery and nettingy. i tried them all on, but only allowed myself to buy two. now, i just need occasion to wear all these things. somebody through a 40s costume party! i've got an outfit waiting to happen.

i have nothing else to report. back to hulu and cleansing my nasal passages.

drink your juice, shelby

2011-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

i fear that the days when i used to have enough brain space to devote to creative writing may be no more...it used to be an outlet, now i just feel uninspired to write most of the time. my brain is just full of other things.

first and foremost, i got my birth! it was an all-nighter, and delightfully uneventful. mama labored with minimal pain meds, and mostly without an iv tying her down or a fetal monitor inhibiting her movement, so we got to work in all kinds of fun positions. i used my new rebozo and my new hot water bottle and the coconut water i put in my bag. within 5 minutes after popping a pretty sizable baby out, mama says, "i could definitely do that again." ha! ah, no love like the love in a room when parents meet the baby for the first time on the other side of the uterus. it's thick, sort of suffocating, but in a good way, heavy, like having the wind knocked out of you.

but the longer-lasting outcome for me is that i think i can finally complete my certification now, which has been two years in the making! yahoo!

and i decided that i like my rebozo more as a scarf. so i washed it, but i'll probably wear it as a scarf from now on, which was it's original purpose. but now it has magical powers.

my lady was finally hired, not once, but TWICE. she's working with youngsters and she's working with baked goods.

i tried to find an anne geddes baby-dress-as-cupcake...you'd think it would easy. it's not!

so we're now a fully-employed household...just in time for a major brake fluid leak in the truck that cost $600 to repair. that's like...a month's rent. more than a month's student loan payment. that would have paid for a plane ticket to be with my family for the holidays. 6x the business casual wardrobe i have now. pet food for more than a year. curses!!

but there's always something. this weekend i'm going in to wells fargo and closing my (modest) bank account, and taking my dollars to a local credit union. it'll be hard to give wells fargo the "fuck you" that i'd like to, since the tellers there are always so kind to me. but it's something, at least.

what else? we bought a juicer from craigslist. $10 (we could have had SIXTY juicers for what it cost us to fix our truck!). we watched forks over knives, then some movie about this guy doing a juice fast and turning his life around, and we decided to eat more whole foods. that, and make kale, celery, apple juice. among other things. having fresh squeezed orange juice in the morning sure is a treat. i was poking around on my lil' sister's facebook wall and she wrote something about how my mother would only let us drink a tiny glass of juice a day when i was growing up. we used to joke about how strict she was an how crazy that rule had been. in retrospect, i think it was because we were poor, and possibly because of the high sugar content in juice. but i realized it's just one more way i have gone against the values my parents worked so hard to instill in me.

just look at me.

look what i've become.

i'm a non-church attending, politically progressive GAY lady, living in sin with an unmarried partner, working at a babykilling factory, drinking COPIOUS, unmeasured amounts of JUICE!!!

what deadly sin will i commit next?

*sigh* the funny thing is, i never planned for it to happen that way.

just goes to show that if you start questioning why women shave their body hair, it's a slippery slope right into the depths of hell.

pious: out of the pew and into the party

2011-09-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

this is the title that my brain came up with in a dream.

the dream was really long and mostly full of nonsense, including a part where gabrielle from xenaknocked on my car window in the middle of an ohio wheat field and offered me a half eaten fudgesicle.

at the end of the dream i was in a room of people who didn't know each other very well and we were playing a horrible charades/20 questions/hangman fusion mixer game. each person had to go to the front and get the audience to guess the title of their life memoir as it would be titled at that particular moment.

gabrielle appeared because i've been watching too much xena before bed.

the title came from i don't know. talking about my sunday school feltboard halloween costume? recent conflict with my family? pressure to come up with a concise bio for the doula collective?

it happened right before i woke up. i googled it because i thought maybe i read it somewhere, but i didn't find anything.

i've heard that dreams are where you process what you haven't processed consciously. i've also heard that they're an alternate reality. and also that what we think is real is our brain tricking us. and that our whole existence might be controlled by another reality beyond us. like sims.

i don't know anything about sims, except that yesterday leslie told me that one of her sims characters was about to have a baby. which is funny, because i'm on call for someone to have a baby right now. "make her have it at home!" i shouted, moving closer to the screen. all of the other characters were freaking there shit, grabbing their hair and jumping up and down screaming. leslie took pictures. the mother-to-be started walking out of the house. "stop her! put her in the bathroom!" "i can't, haha, i don't have control anymore." we watched as the mother and father got into a car and drove to the hospital, where everyone the laboring mother passed also starting freaking there shit. we weren't allowed to see what happened in the hospital, but a few minutes later, a new simbaby was born.

"how long do they live?"

"well, it'll take a couple of days for the baby to become a toddler. they usually live about 50-60 sims days, but if there is a skilled gardener in the household they can eat something called 'lifefruit' and extend their lives an extra day every time they eat it."

meanwhile, leslie was deciding what personality trait to assign the new baby. "let's make him...a genius."

.....i can't help but feel like someone is messing with me that way....

anyway, no baby yet in what i think is reality. but it's a full moon, so we'll see.

i've been through the desert in a truck with no a/c...

2011-08-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

a dry-erase fridge and a composting toilet!!

that's right, friends. but it feels good to be out of the rain.

just a little over a year ago i had my first desert experience when went camping with shana, idil, and alex in angeles national forest. but it wasn't really a forest. it was the desert. and i was terrified. we saw a scorpion within hours, i was sure we were being stalked by mountain lions, and i stomped on the ground where'er i walked, expecting a rattlesnake to strike at any moment. seriously out of my element.

as you can see, the sexy danger is "very high"

in the woods, there are hiding places. there is shade and water. there are little bugs under every rock that you can eat if you're desperate.

not in the desert. not during august.

the first part of the journey was smooth sailing. we booked it down I-5 all the way to l.a., with rowdy and a sedated t.k. (we decided to drug him for sure after the little shit ran away the day before we moved!) napping comfortably (for the most part) in the backseat.

sedated t.k. on a leash

a close-up

we left l.a. at 5am on friday morning. it started getting hot around 9am, somewhere in the arizona desert. nothing a few bags of ice and some dorky matching neck bandanas for the whole family (minus asha) can't fix!

and...it really hasn't really stopped being hot since then. at first i thought i was just being a baby, but it turns out everyone in texas is complaining about the weather, too.

so, here we are. now i live in the desert. practically. well, not technically, but there are still rattlesnakes in austin. i looked it up.

but the benefits outweigh the rattlesnakes and maybe even the heat:

tex mex food trucks EVERYWHERE.

a magazine called garden & gun??!!

an amazing food co-op. (everything is cheaper!!)

a local timebank.

two hip 'lil coffeeshops around the corner from my house.

shiner in a can. in fact, there is a place here that gives you free beer while they cut your hair.

a doula co-op.

and gays everywhere, apparently. our landlady, our neighbors, everyone we buy something from on craigslist. without even looking for them. gay!

there are plenty of great things to do, but not until we have jobs.

until then, aside from craigslist furniture round-up and ikea treasure-hunting, we've mostly stayed in for xena marathons and master chef (liz t. and amy, you should finish the season!). it's too hot to sleep in our loft right now and we don't have a bed anyway, so the entire family (minus asha) has been curling up on the living "space" futon in front of the a/c every night. i had a job interview at an abortion clinic (ask me how i re-worded that one for my mother another time...), am waiting to attend a birth for the co-op, and have sprinkled various other job applications throughout the city. leslie got tricked into signing us up to perform in a talent show to benefit planned parenthood at the end of the month. tonight we're going to see a free los lonely boys show at blues on the green.

so much to explore as soon as we're done with six seasons of xena.

friends, wherever you are in the world right now, we miss and love you!!

update in bullet points

2011-05-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

greetings, faithful followers.

speaking of which, who's ready to be raptured this weekend? if you are, make sure your pets are all taken care of (thanks, amy). you can also prepare a rapture survival kit, so the people you left behind know where you've gone.

luckily, i plan to stick around with tk and asha, so we're good. i just hope the chaos doesn't interfere with the no pants dance party we're having on saturday...

in other news:,

milady and i are moving to austin, tx mid-august. v. exciting.
went to vanouver, bc this weekend. some notes on vancouver: kind of like seattle w/ less interesting architecture, delicious all-dressed ruffles potato chips, everyone has the same haircut as me, veggie poutine, and our car broke down and is still there.

the hours of my job are really getting to me...i contacted 2 temp agencies today. we'll see how it goes.
i just got foodstamps and joined the y. cashing in on the poverty. am going to start lifting weights and getting really strong. oh yes.
just read 3 books in the beebo brinker chronicles, which is amazing lesbian pulp ficture from the 1950s. i highly recommend this series, and you should definitely read the forwards and notes by the author.

too much to do! i'll be back with creative, substantial writing someday....

hoppy holidays!

2011-04-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

it's that time of year again: SPRING CLEANING!!!!!

SPRING CLEANING is my 3rd favorite reflective/self-improvement holiday of the year (after new year's and my birthday....hm, looks like a need something in the fall...).

new year's is for thinking about all the new things i want to learn and do.

my birthday is for reflection on how i've grown in knowledge and in love in the past year (as my dear liz t. says).

SPRING CLEANING is for cleansing the house, body, soul, mind, in a way that is instantly gratifying and tangible.

it is a time during which i clean my room and get rid of all the fabric scraps, shattered glass, and magazines that i've been hoarding for "art projects."

it is a time during which i remember about exercising and start moving my body again, rebuilding my bike muscles, flailing about my neighborhood on very slow runs, going to yoga to sweat winter out of my pores.

it is a time during which i clean out my digestive system by drinking mudshakes twice a day and eating only wholesome, homecooked foods.

it is a time during which i commission my brilliant, taurus lady friend to make an excel spreadsheet so i can track my daily disciplines.

it is a time for cute baby animals, cherry blossoms, sleepy tulips opening their lil petals.

new life!!!

happy SPRING CLEANING, everyone!!

you are asleep.

2011-04-06T02:52:00.000-07:00

i just rode my bike uphill at 2:30am. the world is different now. it's both scarier and calmer. i'm scared because i feel vulnerable. but then, it's nice to have the streets to myself, to fantasize that everyone else has disappeared and i no longer have to obey red lights, or stay in the right lane. that thought is also scary, from a sci fi movie or the bible.

and things look empty, but also like they're resting. i biked past the library. i was just there a few hours ago, but now it's asleep. the buses: asleep.

i thought biking would wear me out so i could fall asleep. eli said, "it tires the body, but wakes up the mind." he was right. even my eyelids are tired. i like quizzing everyone at work about their sleeping schedules, since i'm not used to working a bar shift. some of them sleep until 2pm and don't care. others, like me, wish they could wake up earlier.

i'm letting tk lick me because i'm salty from the sweat. he likes to lick me when i'm sweaty and when i'm fresh out of the shower, for some reason. when he was a kitten, he licked me all the time. i'd hop from one foot to the other while i got dressed because if i stood still, he's lick me. i'd lift me legs off the ground while i was on the toilet.

i will go to bed in a few minutes, even though my mind is awake. i'll crawl under the covers with my lady and she'll make adorable sleep noises. then in three hours it'll be opposite. she'll be waking up and getting ready to leave for work and i'll make the sleep noises. even though i'll want to be awake to say goodbye, my body will force me to stay lying down. a heavy fog of sleepiness.

but now that's hard to imagine.

i want to be writing this on my typewriter, but i can't, because i'd wake everybody up. if this were my typewriter, i'd have a lot more things to say. about my mother, mostly. and myself. and how we're connected and not connected.

on saturday idil and i went to vashon island. it was pouring down rain, but we went anyway. it was funny because we drove all the way out to this lighthouse for a scenic view and when we got there, we just sat in the car for a moment. she said, "uh...heh, do you want to get out and see it?" and i said, "ummm...suuurree...well, it's just that--" she said, "i feel like we SHOULD go see it, but i don't want to!" i said, "haha, me either! i don't want to go see it!" so we just laughed and sat there and saw the scenic view from the car.

but it was nice to talk. i told her about everything, about about how i feel about myself these days, which isn't great. she told me about her saturn returns class and about internalized sexism and what that all has to do with our mothers.

i realized that i don't really know my mother. then i realized that i don't know if anyone knows my mother. and a lot of other things that made me feel sad, humble, and human.

but , to make a long story shorter so i can go to bed now, it all came down to:

we are all trying to survive. it is easier to have compassion for others than for myself. we are all doing the best we can.

something in the deli aisle made me cry

2011-03-23T03:44:00.000-07:00

can anyone tell me what the hell is going on in the universe right now? mercury isn't even in retrograde (although, dear lord, it's going to be next week for nearly a month!), but things are pretty broken right now.

probably needless to say, my life didn't get as instantly perfect as i thought when i quit theo. i've had a lot of things piling up for a very long time, and, as they say, something's gotta give.

it's hard to believe i never used to cry, because this past week i wept like an angry baby. or maybe a sad baby. or an overwhelmed baby.

i know that i'm being selfish and that life could be a whole lot worse than broken cars, bad colds, bank account errors, and cell phones possibly lost in dumpsters at 2am, when your clothes are soaking wet and your fingers are all wrinkly and smell like tartar sauce....

i know that.

my recent tantrums have pretty much been like they've been whenever i've had tantrums throughout my life: "it's *sobsob* not *snort* faaaiirrrrr *many sobs*"

yes, that's pretty much been my mantra at age 5, 15, and 25. over the same stupid things, more or less.

...i don't know what i'm getting at, really. maybe because it's 4am (wow, i'm turning nocturnal! i didn't think it was possible...).

here's what i need:

a whole week to sleep (this will never happen)
a mentor and/or therapist (if anyone has any recommendations for someone older, wiser, or professionally trained to listen to my problems and tell me what to do for a reasonable price, please let me know.)
everyone who interacts with me regularly to be patient with me.

i think i just needed to throw a bit of a fit, let it out...put things into perspective so i can be free to move on to stuff that matters.

but i needed to be selfish for a minute.

blood and sand

2011-03-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

guess what time it is? monday at noon! guess where i'm not? work!

i'm emerging, slightly weary and worn, but that's to be expected. i just lived through one of the craziest weeks of my life to date.

i was training my replacement at theo, attended a birth, took care of my lady post-wisdom tooth extraction, and started my new job.

and bam! here i am on the other side of things. the blurry, exhausted calm after the storm, and i'm trying to determine whether or not i lived through it, and what injuries i have, and what exactly happened.

kind of like liam, the baby who came into the world at 10:09pm on tuesday, after an 18-hour labor and nearly every medical intervention possible. i really think he wanted to stay in there, and i don't blame him. he was over 9lbs, and had this 'lil baby "who dares disturb my slumber!" look on his face.

friday i said goobye to theo in a rush. the store gave me an orchid. i'm afraid of killing it. the last person i hugged was the cfo, who nobody hugs, but i was crying and i think he was afraid, so he went along with it at least.

i went straight to my first 10-hour shift, which was also opening night at the bar. i arrived at 4pm to a state of utter chaos. seriously. the tables were being drilled together, shelves were being attached to walls, there were at least 15 people buzzing around in panic mode, trying to pull everything together. we opened at 5pm. i opened. i turned the key and welcomed the very first customer through the door. a birth, of sorts. i'm good at those transitions.

an 18 hour labor on tuesday. an 18 hour labor on friday.

that's a lot of laboring.

saturday i cried again. i couldn't think of why i was crying. it was just a physical manifestation of unprocessed emotions.

i never used to cry. remember when i only cried twice a year? well, ever since my cycle started to become regular, so did my tears. i think that's a good thing. i've always known i was emotional, but not being able to have the release of crying was always frustrating.

so. that was my week. whaddya think?

i think i could sleep for 100 years.

but there is much to be done. i'm kind of nervous. did i make the right choices? is voluntary quitting a good job and demoting oneself wise? i really am a horrible capitalist. i'm in serious need of a mentor, and of lots of people to tell me everything will be okay.

ass manger*

2011-02-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

oh hey, it's my monthly dropping a line to my probably dwindling readerhood (two-day later edit! welcome new readers i just discovered!). today i'm reporting from my cleaner-than-it's-ever-been room, with tk curled up at my feet, candlelight only, and devotchka pandora....if you think that sounds magical, you're right. this is actually what's happening, live (actually, it's not live anymore. this edited post is 2 days old, but you can imagine when it was live):

but alas, my hungry-and-maybe-pretend followers, this is the eve of a new era! an era of good mental health, daily balance, the birth of a birth business, and a reclamation of my social life.

....and the transition's a bitch. right now i sort of have three jobs: i'm helping to hire and train my replacement at theo (during the thick of valentine's season, so you can imagine how that was), i start training to be a barback/doorperson in the gayborhood, and i'm on call for a birth at this very minute.

but then my life will be bliss! i will have my day times back ! i will spend time in nature! i will make cheese! i will either befriend a goat or someone who owns a goat! i will find a couch for our living room and patronize the businesses in by neighborhood! i'm so effing excited to be a normal human being and to see what happens in the world when one's not at work!

besides taking an entire month to quit my job, i've been piece-by-piece collecting the tools, skillz, and inspiration i'll need to launch myself into above-described life.

i started by finally taking the gay kickboxing class at the ymca and the lizzes are always raving about, and for good reason! my high school tae bo experience really prepared me for what would have completely kicked my ass...it's not actually gay kickboxing; and the main demographic of the class is straight women (with a couple of their straight boyfriends who they dragged along). but donny, the instructor, is gay and i am gay, and that made it...something. anyway, it was absolutely amazing and if you're not kickboxing to dance music re-mixes with donny, you're not really kickboxing. that's what i think.

if my life this month were a movie montage, it would start in the kickboxing class to dance music from the best of bootie, which you should all go listen to immediately, or maybe eye of the tiger, like in persepolis, and during my sweaty cross-punching, you'd see:

my frantic, studious note-taking during a cheese-making class, with a serious look on my face as i plot how to obtain a goat...
many pathetic scenes of me attempting to shop for new interview/work clothes, including going somewhere i haven't been in approximately 10 years: the mall. the suburban mall. luckily, i had the guidance of my fashion guru/someone who actually knows how to shop. her name is renai, and i credit her with my purchase of $20 dansco clogs from buffalo exchange today, which i wouldn't have thought of buying without her mentorship.
a lot of empty wine bottles
several interviews...me trying to hire someone, me trying to be hired, me super nervous
asha coming out of hiding again and eating for the first time in months...me watching her shovel little bits of lettuce and pear into her teeny tiny mouth

um, then it'd pan back to gay kickboxing, and donny giving me a high-five and me with my hands on my hips, doing a little step touch while my heart rate goes back to normal, looking at my red-faced, smirking self in the wall-to-wall mirrors and being a bit pleased with the girl looking back at me for pulling this all together semi-successfully...yeah...

*dreamy face*

meanwhile, we might be having snowpocalypse part 2 tonight, while i'm supposed to be at work and maybe at the birth.

i'm kind of looking at going to ohio for a few days in early april. i want to see my mamaw while she's in relatively decent health, and i'd like to see my little sister's high school musical. actual text from claudia re: musical:

"i got the baker's wife in into the woods. if ur not familiar with the musical it's like, the lead. lol"

so, how can i pass that up?

well, if i can't afford it i'll have to pass it up.

i was talking to malinda on the phone today and venting about how it would be nice, for once (just once!), if mom and dad offered to chip in on the plane ticket. they're always lamenting about how far away we are and how much they'd love to see us...which was a slippery slope for venting about our parents in general.

me: "do you think dad thinks he's a good dad?
mal: "ha! yes! do you remember when i told him he was a bad father and that he should go to a parenting class?"
me: "not really? maybe, vaguely...?"
mal: "well i did, and he actually went to a parenting seminar, and do you know what it was called?"
me: "...?"
mal: "'you're a better parent than you think.' so, yes, i think he thinks he's a good dad. he found a professional to verify that."

and there you have it.

*the actual subject line of an emailed resume and cover letter that came in for to replace me. not the person we're hiring, obvs.

second coming of teh kitteh

2011-01-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

here's my summary of 2010: a pretty intense year, with a lot of difficult, intense things, and a few really amazing, redeeming happenings.

difficult things:

the beginning of urban family scatter/my friends start getting eaten by law school and other adulty things that threaten to snatch them away from me
coming out to my family...and them pretending it never happened...
having my job consume my life, and possibly parts of my soul (they may never grow back)
being with oliver while he died
my mamaw's health

amazing things:

my urban family an d how much i love them and they love me
coming out to my family...finding that i have some surprise allies
quitting my job (hellz yeah, this is officially happening in less then a month!)
being in love with the cutest 'lil taurus there ever was
attending three births

urban family and i brought in the new year completely sober, standing in a circle of hippies, barefoot in a yoga studio, with a 2-minute "ohm" and a handful of rose petals.

in the hours that followed were not sober. we danced and grinned until dawn. yes, until dawn.

and here we are!!

i suppose resolution time is past due. i'm not going to bother analyzing my progress on last year's list, as is my usual tradition. i did some shit, and i didn't do some shit. the shit i didn't do that i still want to do will rollover to this year's list. deal? deal.

i started a list on the typewriter and here it is:

1. fix my bike (this means: replace stolen handlebars)
2. learn to make cheese (and this is also happening next week!)
3. can or pickle something
4. fix the button on those jeans i've been holding on to for 2 years
5. go to portland
6. go somewhere i've never been
7. go to yoga. don't stop going to yoga
8. learn something about gardening
9. learn to use power tools
10. finish my doula certification

oh, yeah, there: a nice, round list. oh, and find a job. i really gotta find a job. and probably start reading books that are neither re: childbirth or young adult fantasy fiction. and also, go back to the rainforest. yes.

good enough?

i think i'm in for a year to remember. the universe is surely shifting...

radio sylence

2010-12-12T10:38:00.000-08:00

hello.

hello there. remember me? i used to write things for to entertain and delight you?

two months is officially my record for longest period of silence. i haven't been journaling instead, nor have i been traveling, nor abducted, away from technology, tangled in christmas lights, lost my fingers, etc. the reasons i haven't been writing are simple and two:

1. the holidays
2. love

the former means i live at work more than usual...like today will be my 7th day in a row at work, and my 55th hour of work this since Monday...all in the name of holiday shopping. and holiday spirit, cheer, goodwill, endless joy, ever-grateful customers:

lady: *without greeting or any sort of acknowledgement of my humanity* "um, i see that the holiday 4 bar pack is on sale."
me: "yes, it is."
lady: *rolls eyes for reason unknown* "well, the pack comes with one of each bar, but i just want 4 peppermint bars, so it that discounted?"
me: "no, i'm sorry, the sale is on the bar pack."
lady: *talking more slowly, so that i can understand* "but...i...want...4...peppermint...bars."
me: "i see that. sorry, the sale is on the bar pack. i'm happy to tie a ribbon around the bars for you! *smile*"
lady: *through clenched teeth* "but...i'd...be...getting...4...bars...why...can't....i...get...the...discount?"
me: "sorry, ma'am (i only call people ma'am in situations like these). it's not set up like that in the system. there's nothing i can do about that."
lady: *raises eyebrows and smirks* "hmph. well that's too bad for you, 'cause i would have bought 4 of these." *walks away in huff*

and an interaction like that is inevitably followed by a cheerful middle-aged man, who probably made a comment about "ohhh how can you eat all the chocolate and still keep your figure ohhhh!", who then winks at me while i'm ringing up his purchase, "must be REAL rough to work in a place like THIS. yup, must be SO HARD to eat chocolate all the time for your JOB. i'll bet no one's every grumpy in a places like THIS. must be REAL rough. now i will chuckle at my own joke. i am SO pleased with myself for having MASTERED the art of subtle sarcasm. har har har."

anyway, my last entry was me griping about customers, so i'll spare subjecting you to more of my retail woes. but i have more stories, if you're interested...so yes, work: time consuming, soul consuming.

more importantly, #2. i'm in love.

yay!!! maybe i won't die fat and alone, eaten by wild dogs...it is kind of like julie andrews frolicking through a meadow! the hills are, indeed, alive! ...i'll save the rest for my journal, 'cause it's just gonna be me being all ooey & gooey and i think a fair amount of people who know me already want to slap me at this point. and i kind of do, too...but if you wanted to ask me about it, i might want to talk about it...just sayin'.

yup, so that's pretty much where i've been. all beaming and shit. now you have at least two things to talk to me about next time you talk to me.

some other notable things have happened. for happy and for sad.

i was hired today by my first official doula client!

i'm finally going to take a cheese-making class.

and, in the sad headline section, our beloved oliver passed last week. he had congestive heart failure, and his health deteriorated very rapidly. we ended up putting him down and it was very, very sad. we'll miss you very much, oliver.

equation

2010-10-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

two customer interactions:

wednesday: a woman walks in to the store. i'm working alone. i'm in horrible, foul mood. but, alas, customer service game face. the woman is there to pick up a donation for some event. we donated a giant basket full of chocolate and treats. i hand it to her with a big 'ol smile and say, "thanks. have a good day!" to which she replies, "you'll have a better day than me, rest assured." what is that? what is that?

friday: i'm corresponding via email with a man trying to arrange to bring a tour into the store. after a few exchanges, he signs his email:

Yours, dipped in chocolate,

(figuratively)

Joe Schmoe (name changed to protect creeper's identity)

ew. i mean, i get that he thinks that's clever, like the people who make willy wonka jokes and the people who ask me how i keep my figure working around sweets all day (*snort*). they just can't resist the urge to make bad jokes and i must decide whether to humor them or pretend not to get the joke.

anyway, these experiences are adding up and fueling the fire i lit under my ass after doing some life-planning math on the busride home wednesday. how do i balance practicality and happiness? how do i plan a life where i can have my cake and eat it, too (and STILL maintain this figure...bahahahahahaha! get it?)?

i have answered these questions. i have balanced the equation. i know the key to success. but i can't tell you...yet.

in other news...mmm, no other news. just work, sleep, work. work.

retreat

2010-09-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

this weekend i decided i need to talk a lot less.

i went to a wedding on john's island in the san juans. according to the 2000 census, the island has a population of five.

this weekend was multi-generational summer camp. it was community yoga and hippie dancing and deep, goofy discussions and vegan food that made you think, "i would be vegan if i got to eat like this everyday."

it was peace and love, mixed with a healthy dose of sarcasm and shit-talking.

my body hurts a lot, but in a good way. in a stretched out way and in a my-hips-are-bruised-from-sleeping-on-the-ground-in-the-fetal-position way.

i saw baby deer eating some leaves outside my tent. and a seal and an eagle.

at midnight, i sat in a meadow under stars i haven't seen in a long time with someone i love who said, "i figured it out: you're not a person, you're just another part of the universe."

the next day we were supposed to be silent, but i wanted to talk. i had a lot of things to say. i wandered away from everyone and took a sun nap for a while, so i wouldn't bother the silent people.

i've been spending a lot of time this past week in the space between awake and asleep and my brain has been coming up with some crazy things.

instead of writing in my journal or blog, i've been keeping a running log on my typewriter (that's what happens when you don't have the internetz in your home). i just write the things that happen like, "accidentally left a red sharpie in my pants pocket and did a load of laundry" and "on my bike ride to work today, i was behind this girl all the way from 19th and yesler to gasworks park. i felt like a creeper, but we just have the same commute."

did i ever tell you about that tree in la push? it was a giant, giant tree. hundreds of years old before the ocean decided to wash it onto that particular beach. i actually thought it was a whale at first. it was so dark and the waves had hollowed out the bottom of the tree a bit, where the roots are. we climbed up inside when the tide was low. we heard the waves and nothing else. and it was pitch black, so we couldn't see anything. sky, ocean, beach, tree, people...there was no difference because there was no light.

so when i was taking that silent sun nap and lingering between consciousness and somewhere else, my brain was generating images of that tree and my typewriter and that conversation in the meadow.

when i woke up i felt: small and connected.

on families, mispronunciation, gays, bad luck, and planetary action

2010-08-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

families:

i attended my third birth on wednesday, august 4th. this one was extra special to me because the new baby has two mamas. everything went smoothly. birth mama had an epidural, so she and her partner napped for a few hours while i ate cupcakes and read trashy celebrity magazines. then she woke up and popped out a 9 lbs. baby girl like it ain't no thang. they were all beautiful. another little leo in the world, making a grand entrance with cocorosie playing in the background. they brought a little magazine clipping about these gay penguins at a zoo who wanted to parent so badly, they kept stealing everyone else's eggs. finally, the zoo gave them some abandoned eggs to hatched and they turned out to be the best penguin parents in the whole zoo.

this past week my family came to visit. we are a much different family than the one described above. this was the first time i've seen them in over a year and i remember why i don't visit them more often (as if i could forget). they still lecture me about everything, like that time i was 13 and didn't finish my antibitotics. (sorry, okay! sorry! i can't still be sorry 12 years later...sorry, world for the super germs and everything...).

we hold hands and pray before every meal. in public. i just keep my eyes open and sigh. they tell god what they won't tell me. "let becca now that we are proud of her and that we love her..." why don't they just let me know? why is it god's job? my dad pronounces the "l" in salmon. this is very embarassing because it's a word you say a lot in seattle. he will not be corrected.

i kept them busy. i tried to be positive. we had a bbq at the park and all my friends came to meet the family. "you're family's so adorable!" "oh they were really nice!" is what my friends said. i was hyper aware of every f-bomb dropped and worried about whether i should tell them that they're socializing with somone i'm kind of dating...

gays:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day the court rules prop 8 unconstitutional. i know we have a long way to go, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and two gay victories made it an extra special day.

my little sister and i talked about my coming out letter for the first time. i told her everything and she was so impressively open and non-judgmental. she said, "i'm glad you told us. i think you did the right thing." she's smart. she's too smart for her high school and for our town. here, we went to youth readings and art walks and outdoor movies and restaurants together. i want to rescue her from ohio.

bad luck:

my purse got stolen last week from a bar. at first, i tried to have faith in humanity and thought that perhaps someone had taken it by mistake. then they started using my cards and my phone. then i got really cynical and told everyone, even the lady who cut my hair. i wanted the world to pity me. who does that? how to such shitty people exist? people who make multiple $50 purchases at the chevron in renton?

planetary action:

the day the lesbians had their baby was the day that saturn, venus, and mars are all visible together in the sky. i haven't seen them yet. the night before, there were solar flares the reflected in such a way that you were supposed to be able to see the northern lights from seattle. we were already in bed, but we made ourselves get up and drive around to look for them. all we saw was weird lightning in the east. maybe it was the solar flares?

this week the persiads peaked. i didn't see them. it's too light in the city and i was too tired to stay up past 11pm. but on our way home the other night, claudia, idil, and i stopped in a park and found some people looking through a high-powered telescope. they were looking at jupiter and its moons. we could see four of the moons. jupiter has at least 63 moons.

brush with fame

2010-08-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

okay, before i forget, things i will make when i live in a kitchen i can use:

pickles
bread
cheese
granola
ketchup
salad dressing
hummus
eggs (and by that i mean get chickens!)
a garden

i'm in major house crushdom right now. this morning i looked at this charming, adorable 'lil house right in the neighborhood where i want to be with hardwood floors and a big island in the kitchen and a deck and a backyard with so many green things and even a tiny itty bitty pond. we'll see if they offer it to us, but even so, fantasizing about becca, the super diy homemaker, are making my heart flutter. giving up all of my extra-curriculars to stay home and make shit. delicious shit that i can eat...mmm...stay tuned for updates.

so on monday i was walking down the street and i saw a penny heads up. i'm not as superstitious as you probably think, but i like to pretend i believe...usually i see the penny, pause to evaluate, decide whether i'm happy with my life, and act accordingly. if nothing else, it's a good exercise in counting my blessings. generally, i decide to leave the penny for someone less fortunate than i, and hopefully in exchange for a bit of good karma (which i also don't believe in as much as you probably think...*ahem*).

but monday, i picked the penny up, 'cause that's how things have been going and i can use all the help i can get. and then i kept finding pennies this week.

four pennies! heads up!

i took them all and tried not to feel greedy.

not that i'm saying there's a definite relationship between the pennies and my life, but my week did get more interesting.

first, i met ben affleck. well, i use the term "met" loosely. we exchanged pleasantries and i chuckled at a joke he made that i've heard before. he came to the factory for a meeting re: his non-profit organization in eastern congo. unfortunately, i didn't get the opportunity to discuss his work in the pbs mini-series voyage of the mimi, starring very young ben.

ah, memories of sixth grade. memories of learning about evolution for the very first time because the mimi crew went to the smithsonian and showed me how similar whale bone structure and bird bone structure are. fascinating! i couldn't believe no one had told me about this! of course, my mom wasn't too thrilled with my newfound knowledge when i told her, so we had a little bible study about creationism and how the devil speaks through science, etc. in my bedroom that evening. i felt horrible for being tricked and prayed about it a lot...but still ended up being an anthropology major. and i think it started, albeit a bit indirectly, with ben affleck. so you see, we would have had a lot to talk about. maybe next time.

on wednesday, i was on the local morning news for national milk chocolate day! this meant being at work at 4:30am and hanging out with the news crew for four whole hours. it meant standing at the bus stop with a tray of chocolate and trying not to think about the dozens of invisible viewers on the other side of the camera lens while i smiled awkwardly. it was a growing experience. more things i'd like to discuss with ben affleck: how to not be camera-shy. i won't post that link here 'cause it's embarrassing, but i'm sure you can find it if you want.

and yesterday, i finally redeemed my birthday gift certificate for ROLLER SKATES!!!!!!

that's right: real skates.

skates that i can skate outside in.

or in a rink.

or, someday, in....derby.

i took them out to green lake immediately and practiced, which means i found a tiny ten-foot unoccupied patch of sidewalk by the men's restroom and went back and forth at .0005 mph. the thing that's different about skating outside vs. inside is that, as previously mentioned, the only way i know how to brake is by running into wall. there is much too learn, but it's more fun to learn when you're giddy! tehehehehe!

other accomplishments this week: getting a changing table for the bathroom at work, going swimming twice even though seattle isn't giving me a proper summer, not breaking up with someone, playing music on the beach by a fire, changing my bike tire all by mahself, and helping tk exercise like i said i would.

thank you, goddesses of the lucky penny.

laundered

2010-07-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

last night i had a dream that i feel should be super easy to interpret, but for some reason i am stumped.

i was driving my former housemate's prius (which i never did in real life; yikes! it was named 'space car' and i am terrified to touch nice things). she was the passenger. two roads diverged and i did not choose the one less traveled. the one that every other car was driving on was a GIANT-ASS HILL like this, only a thousand times bigger and steeper:

so steep and it went on forever and ever. and the hill had hills. i was afraid we couldn't do it, but hell, it's space car.

so i stepped on the gas and we followed the cars up giant-ass hill. the little hills on the big hill became like ramps and soon all the cars were flying through the air and landing back on the road.

that is until we did NOT land back on the road. at some point all the cars fell off and into the water below. no one was hurt. it was so ridiculous i think we might have even been laughing. just bobbing up and down in the water all bewildered...me thinking about how i would be in debt for the rest of my life, etc.

anyway, take a stab at that if you want.

not having a computer at home is a blessing and a curse. really. so what have i been up to this past month...?

well, i think we can all agree the past 30 days or so has been the tigeriest month in year of the tiger thus far. a real roller coaster, etc. personally, i haven't done most of those things i said i was gonna do in the last post to better myself. i went the mischief route and boy am i glad i did.

i have, however, cried a lot lately. that should have been one of my goals so i could check it off the 'ol list. cried 'cause liz left us (miss you miss you miss you!), cried 'cause i read a sad book, cried 'cause i was pmsing while reading said book, and 'cause i wanted to quit my job: you know, the usual things that people cry about. i'm straying far away from the bi-annual bawling. perhaps the tragic new year tear explosion was a good catalyst...maybe it started melting my heart of stone. huh.

and all the crying happened in the midst of pride, my best birthday ever (i got roller skates!!!), the liz move, my long weekend trip to explore the queer scene of minneapolis, and me getting sick yet again.

so here i am. in the middle of seattle non-summer (this is not summer). being all unsettled and unsure of my next move. fantasizing about the future, mostly being depressed about the present.

hmm...let's see what life has been like through the most recent images on my picture phone:

my big news of the month is that when liz left, she kindly sold me here mattress, so for the very first time in my whole entire life, i have a grown-up size bed!! seriously! it's so exciting! i want to be on it alllll the time.

and i was able to donate old twin mattress to a good cause:

oh, look what i saw at the grocery!:

really? antioxidant?! really? is this legal??

k, now this is what megan recently did this to me and it ended up being my new favorite thing ever: she took her fresh warm out of the dryer laundry and dumped it all over my lucky body!!! wow! bliss! heaven! why didn't anyone tell me about this before??

lastly, less recently, just for nostalgia, we have the last moment i remember being at peace. peace that rivals the bliss of being covered in a pile of clean, warm clothes:

not a bob ross painting folks, but the hoh-freakin'-rainforest. sometime in january. watching the salmon spawn.

bearing down

2010-06-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

to stop doing/habits to break:

complaining about how messy my kitchen is
revealing all of my secrets
calling people i shouldn't call (this includes texting people i shouldn't text, emailing people i shouldn't email, makingeyesatgettingdrinkshuggingkissingcuddlingdirtydancingwith, etc.
buying lunch
eating chocolate for lunch
buying things (this includes drinks, ebay items, vintage lingerie, etc.)
overbooking
self-loathing

to start doing/habits to form:

eating more vegetables
taking care of myself
helping my cat tk exercise
enjoying people

i know i just did a cleanse, but these things just need to happen for good. for my good, for your good, for final good.

yesterday i attended my second birth. i won't write about it in great detail like the last one, but it's making me think about things just as much. the labor was over 20 hours. she did everything right, but in the end, after 4 hours of pushing, her pelvic arch ended up being too narrow to let the baby pass and she ended up having a c-section. she also ended up having a beautiful, healthy baby.

i have a lot to process about the whole experience, but today i'd like to talk about pushing. the way she pushed with an epidural was ridiculously powerful. an epidural numbs you from the waist down...so normally you feel an uncontrollable urge to push and you make these really loud, incredible noises and keep your eyes open. but when you are numb they have to tell you when to push, even though you can't really feel what's going on in your body. you have to do it differently; holding your breath and closing your eyes.

this mama was a model, goldstar pusher. but a lot of women push wrong (at least in the beginning). it's really difficult to focus the power in the right place, so it's pretty common for women to do something called diffused pushing; they overstrain and the energy goes all over their bodies and makes them tense. it's exhausting and it doesn't move the baby down...the only thing is does is hurt, frustrate you, and wear your body out.

what helps with this problem is visualization of the baby moving down and out. sometimes imaginary, and sometimes with an actual mirror so you can see the head crowning. and that can be all it takes.

diffused pushing: that's pretty much how i feel i'm living right now. i'm definitely using a lot of energy, but i think it's just exhausting me, but going to god knows where...all the wrong places. so i want to think things more strategically. or more intentionally. and with more focus. efficiency.

i'll spare you and not get carried away with the analogy, which i am fully aware is kind of cheesy to begin with (but if you're interested, i think i could develop it quite nicely...something about a metaphorical mirror and a metaphorical head crowning and--tehe, stopping now.), but at any rate, there it is.

hence the list.

however, all of this self-improvement is complicated by a few things: i'm not on call for a whole month, pride is in two weeks, my birthday is the next week, fourth of july the next week, possible weekend trip to minneapolis the next week...a lot of trouble around the corner. and i already kicked things off last night with a strong drink which led to: dancing to bad pop music, a party under a bridge, a marching band, a belly dancer, toooo many text messages, an abandoned building with abandoned files, the lusty lady, and a talk on the front porch until 7:30am.

just sayin'.

don't expect me to be a saint or anything. gotta get my kicks.

circle of cool

2010-06-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

well, i'm sick again. damnit. i was just sick in february, when i posted those adorable 'lil flipbooks from my sick den. my time budget only allows sickness to happen once a year, so this is unacceptable. i'm constantly raving about my strong immune system (always followed by knocking on wood, of course) and this is the appreciation i get. betrayal!

this time the sick itself isn't so bad. i think i'm more or less nipping it in the bud with tea, sleep, garlic, emergen-c, and liz's hippie cold drugs. but the timing of the sick is bad. 'cause i'm supposed to help a baby get born any day now! and i have to interview four people for jobs tomorrow!

it's no surprise. year of the tiger has been kicking my ass... i have marched forth SO boldly. i have shat rather than getting off the pot! it's been good and it's been fun, but i've been getting myself into a bit of trouble lately because i've gained so much momentum and i can't stop! i'm running down a giant hill of crazy and the only way to stop is to fall on my ass! hard...so maybe it's not betrayal; maybe it's the universe tripping me for my own good, trying to stop me while i'm ahead.

wednesday, after eating roughly half a gallon of rocky road ice cream, i went roller skating. it was adult skate night. my goal fir the evening was to learn how to brake: first step to roller derbydom. i quickly realized that my goal was too lofty and adjusted it accordingly. new evening goal: try to make upper body less awkward. small steps. i was doing just fine and even well until the lights came on and the hokey pokey started. i knew it was beyond my skill level, so for half the song i resisted the urge to join and just kept skating in circles. but at some point that year or the tiger impulse i've been feeding just pulled me into the center. jesus christ! i don't know what i was thinking. i mean, i wasn't. that's the whole problem with me lately. no consequential thinking skillz. so i skated into the middle and, predictably, ate shit. and almost pulled my friend down with me. and flashed the whole rink (full of very cool people...some derby girls, i'm sure) because i thought skating in a skirt would be cute.

no more tricks the rest of the night. i just concentrated on not falling again, hoping that someone would approach me at the end of the night. "say, we were watching you and you definitely have a lot of raw talentl. we see it in your eyes! come with us; we'll befriend you and teach you everything we know! and by the way, falling during hokey pokey: cute. very cute. *wink*"

...a girl can dream.

that's about all the blog-appropriate material i have for you today. i've been busy with many important things, such as: working 60 hours a week, helping lesbians move with a uhaul (tehe), kissing too many people for my own good, planning successful art walk events, giving celebrity chocolate factory tours, taking my boss's 14-year-old son to a lesbian bar to watch slam poetry, finally going to canada, finally going to queer canadian dance parties and dancing with a moustached lady, watching the sockit wenches kick ass at the championship bout, and, of course, being sick and lonely.

sick. alone. by myself. by my lonesome.

*sniffle*

*weak cough*

(psst! cue for everyone to bring me movies and backrubs and cuddle with me while we watch the movies you brought...)

gay EXPLOSION

2010-05-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

oh hi. guess what, invisible readers? i'm QUEER!

you probably already knew that, but writing it on a public blog feels so liberating because today is my

COMING OUT TO THE FAMILY DAY!!

here's the story...

my family is not okay with the gays. growing up, my dad would change the channel whenever anything slightly gay came on tv. he would say "ahh, that's disgusting." he swore he'd never watch another robin williams movie after the birdcage came out (tehe). we boycotted disney in like 1999 because gay people work there (or something)...that level of homophobia. they are 100% christian, conservative, midwestern...i'm actually not sure they've ever (knowingly) met a queer person. defintely unaware that the gays are among us. they are among us (creepy scary music).

well. at one point i considered never telling them at all...i knew it would make them sad, etc. and we live miles and miles away anyway...and i wasn't dating anyone, and excuses excuses blah blah blah.

lately though, i've been able to come up with fewer reasons not to tell them. and it's become a heavier burden as time goes on...and i have no shame and guilt about it. whatever--i just didn't need that albatross 'round the neck (i'd rather have it tattooed on my arm...coming soon). so for the good of myself, the good of the movement, and (ultimately) for the good of my parents, i decided to suck it up and out myself.

my first idea was to send them a big cake that said "i'm gay!" short, to the point, funny...and you get to eat the cake! cake softens the blow. if you ever have something difficult to tell me, it will be better received written on a cake.

shipping a cake to ohio seemed tricky. plus i don't think they would have appreciated the thought. so i decided on letters. one for mom, one for dad, one for 15-year-old sis. gave myself a deadline, wrote the letters, and dropped them in one of those blue mailboxes monday so i couldn't change my mind and dig them out. or at least it'd be really difficult too.

so all week i've been waiting. imagining worst case scenarios. biting nails. not sleeping. etc.

luckily i've been housesitting this week for one of my coworkers in my dream house with a front porch, wisteria, a sauna, and chickens! it's been peaceful. i've been smoking many a tragic cigarette on the porch. sharing my woes with the chickens.

yesterday i was sauna-ing and contemplating how i could convince kate to let me have her house...i came upstairs, checked my phone, and there is was: shit hitting fan.

my mom is kind of a mess, predictably. she's texting me with all sorts of questions and says she loves me, which is great. she also says this was the last thing she EVER expected to hear from me (wow...really? the last thing? the hairy legs, short hair, facial piercings, feminist politics, not dating men thing didn't tip you off even a teeny bit?). she wasn't ready to phone talk, but my phone was blowing up with texts all night. she says dad is calmer, which can't be good...leo/virgo cusp. yikes. and claudia hasn't been home to read her letter, which they might not give her, which is a bad decision on their part, which they'll realize on their own so i'm not too worried. claudia mad at mom and dad = maybe an extra point for me.

so all evening i had this crazy, unpredictable energy. at one point i was trying to make myself eat and i dropped a salsa jar on the kitchen floor. it shatter and exPLODed everywhere. all over. so i screamed and swore a lot and stripped off my salsa clothes down to my underwear and had to take EVERYTHING out of the fridge to clean it and walk outside to the garbage can in my underwear and it was terrrrribllleeeee.

but then i drank half a bottle of wine and felt better.

then i convinced of my friends who were feeling bad for me to come gay it up at changes karaoke night, where they love me and gave me free whiskey and told me how proud they were and said i did a good job singing "i think we're alone now."

a night out in the gayborhood and a hangover later, i'm a million times better.

and now that cat's out of the bag, i can tell EVERYONE! so spread the word and get ready for this blog to get gayer. i can write whatever i want.

like, about pretty ladies!

and...how i just bought the gayest flannel there ever was (see below).

and how i'm going to doula for a queer couple in july! lesbian babies!

and how much fun pride is gonna be.

any goddamn GAY thing i want to write about.

thanks to everyone who's supported me. thank you, urban family. thank you, boss and coworkers. thank you, malinda. thank you, changes, seattle's best gay bar. i love you all.

seek and ye shall find

2010-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

"you will find it soon becca and it will look different than you expected."

if you are the mystery person who sent me this cryptic text on sunday, i'm very intrigued. like, very super intrigued.

perhaps you aren't a person at all, but just phone spam, although it doesn't appear so.

perhaps you were talking about something i actually lost, like...that old bike key. or all of the april tour deposit receipts at work. or that amazing christian coloring book page i had hanging in my room.

i found it in my house. this shit is authentic, from my childhood and everything. it was a drawing of a little boy with a cross on his t-shirt and weird boots, scratching his head. beside him were three pictures: a church, a hospital, and joe's bar. the heading of the page was: "which is the bad place? color it black!" it was absolutely perfect and i wanted it forever. and now *sniffle*...gone. not replaceable. i have been trying not to get upset about it and focus on not being attached to material items and how i will always have that image in heart. (but i'm still upset about it, actually.)

anyway...i guess i wouldn't mind finding something i've already lost. but if that's the case, i hope it looks how i expect. otherwise, it may no longer be of value to me.

perhaps you are just playing a 'lil trick on me. or you thought i would enjoy the fortune from your fortune cookie.

OR

my favorite possibility

is that you are elaborately scheming. that this is part one of a scavenger hunt. that there are more clues to follow. clues that will lead to wonderful, magical, unexpected things!

if this is you and this is what you're up to, here are some ideas on how to end said scavenger hunt:

just sayin'.

wafflehome

2010-05-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

my favorite thing from the store comment box today. i want you all to really think about this and take it personally:

i like your style. thanks for being here today.

mercury report: personally, my distaster preparedness was fairly effective. i lost my keys once for a few hours. and had a few communication hiccups. it was everyone else who seemed to have a shitty time. sicknesses, stress, family deaths...bad things. but it's over. for the time being.

of course, plenty of good things happened. babies wearing eggplant hats. leading a giant group hokey-pokey. dancing around an illegal firepit for beltane. napping in my overalls on a boat. freckles emerging. april teaching me the best way to eat a strawberry (which i've been telling everyone). drag kings. grilled pineapple. the stuff summer's made of...

i just had a high school gal job shadow me. me!? i wonder if she really aspires to be a retail manager. she doesn't seem super passionate about...anything, actually. she asked me what i would do differently if i could start my career path over again. i said, more or less, "mmm...aside from my student loans. nothing. geez. i'm happy with my life."

i'm happy with my life!! maybe i'm just giddy because it's sunny and warm out or because we did all those hip openers in yoga last night (and that's really where i store my emotional blech).

either way. i have open hips and i love everything. playin' outside playin' outside playin' outside here i goooooooo

end and beginning

2010-04-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

beginning:

wednesday at 12:45pm i saw a baby get born. i had an amazing close-up view 'cause i was standing on the right side of mama, holding her leg back while she pushed for an hour. (i was going to put photos of babies crowning to show you how beautiful it all was, but then i remembered that maybe not everyone wants to see that...so, you're welcome.)

my favorite part of the whole experience? everything. i liked everything. i was there for 11 of the 14 hours of labor. it was totally natural and mama, partner, and i were in sync and in our bodies and intuition. we were being present and breathing together through every rush (better word than contraction...).

i liked the noises. i liked that they just came from somewhere within her. they were so powerful they gave me goosebumps. and everything was quiet and peaceful in between.

i liked the pushing. the sounds were especially moving during this part. the midwife brought in a mirror when the baby's head was crowning and mama looked into the mirror and had fire in her eyes and made the most beautiful, terrifying, human sounds i've ever heard. this is the part where i secretly cried a little.

i liked that she reached down to touch his head to give her strength. then she dug her fingers into my arm again for the next push and i had baby juice on me. but it wasn't disgusting. it was more like...baptism.

i liked the pure, raw awe that happened when they held the new baby. i liked when the baby found her nipple and she just kept saying "he's so beautiful. he's so perfect. he's so perfect."

i liked the placenta and i liked videotaping and i liked biking to the hospital at 1:45am and stopping at the gas station to get them coffee and steamed milk.

i liked everything.

immediately after, i called my mom to thank her. and i felt totally intoxicated walking down the street. partly because i was so sleep-deprived, but mostly i couldn't stop grinning because i felt so...connected.

no matter how i try to explain it, it sounds ridiculous and woowoo, so bear with me or skip this part. i'll just say that it made everything so clear. and i understood why we do anything we do and what it means to be a person and how simultaneously fragile and temporary, yet strong and eternal we are. i learned something about being a woman and something about being a man and something about tenderness and purpose.

end:

my cleanse is over. in the end, i cared a lot less about it. i guess it was a good thing to do, but i decided against the liver flush. i want to enjoy food.

i want to eat delicious things and hang out with wonderful people and be okay with it all and smell every lilac tree i pass because lilac season is so short and i always miss it when it's over.

here's a quote from harold and maude, one of the best movies ever. then i will be done writing sappy bullshit and go outside and play:

"vice? virtue? It's best not to be too moral. you cheat yourself out of too much life. aim above morality. as Confucius says, 'don't simply be good. make good things happen.'"

yeah, that's damn right.

and they're all make out of pickles.

2010-04-19T17:38:00.000-07:00

day 15 of me being particularly wholesome and vice-free. although i did eat a piece of bread last week and that made everything harder. bread= gateway vice.

also, my house is full of 400 POUNDS of chocolate right now, so i can't even get away from sugar when i'm not at work.

we saved 575lbs of cherry almond and mint dark (vegan) chocolate from its dumpster fate, and now i'm twisting everyone's arm to take some. if you are reading this and you live in seattle and you do NOT have at least one of these boxes in your posession, you must take one. if you are a true friend. please.

i wish there were more exciting things to write, but now that i'm so virtuous, all i really do is go to yoga and fall asleep at 10pm. well, also i go to roller derby and poetry slams and parade around the city singing "bad romance" with an accordion...

(he is playing while driving, yes)

...and eat burritos in the park on a sunny day and have my own private spa at hothouse and drink mud shakes and watch documentaries on a giant projector screen. and go to the tuliptown. it was like being inSIDE a bob ross painting:

(above is actually the tulip festival, not a bob ross painting...seriously.)

here is a broken tulip...in the 1600s in holland, a single bulb of a specific kind of broken tulip was more expensive than a fancy schmance house on the canal...then they found out the bulb looked that way 'cause it had a virus and the economy crashed and everyone got mad and started destroying all the tulips. oops:

life lesson learned the hard way by the rich dutch tulip fanatics of the 1600s: things aren't always what they seem. think about it. and if you're going to spend a shit-ton of money, buy a house, not an infected bulb. iesh. you can't live in a bulb.

well anyway, mercury is in retrograde. we'll see how my disaster preparedness works for me or if the universe is just going to make life more difficult to show me i can't outsmart it.

...i'm writing this whole entry to distract myself...my doula client just lost her mucus plug, which sounds disgusting, but is very exciting to me. it means i get to welcome new life into the world any day now...any minute now...*bites fingernails anxiously*...

flow

2010-04-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

saturday someone told me that it's bad bedroom feng shui to have your bed against the wall and your head under a window. bah! mine is both of these things! plus, i have a trash can in my room, which apparently is also bad energy.

then last night i had a creepily vivid dream that i was having a baby. the dream was so long and emotional; at one point i was at the hospital in labor and the doctor reached inside of me and couldn't find the baby. then she found his foot and he started crying while he was still up in there. and he pressed his whole body up against my belly...you could see his face and hands and feet. *shudder* well i think there are plenty of reasons to explain why i'm having baby dreams, but nonetheless, when i woke up this morning, i decided it was time to rearrange my room.

if you've ever visited my shoebox of a room, you know i have very limited space to work with. i did what i could, but there's so much to think about and i know absolutely nothing about feng shui. internet searches direct me to sites with helpful, reliable-sounding information like: "Avoid the overhead beams, the low side of a slanted ceiling, sharp angles from interior corners, and an overhead fan in a room with a low ceiling are some of the common Feng Shui bed room tips that you can find in any Feng Shui book or web site. Beyond that, would you like to learn how to get rich without winning the lottery? If so, please click here." hmm...beyond that, i wouldn't mind getting rich by winning the lottery, either.

today was day 1 of my detox/de-vice. damn, i forgot how hard it is not to eat chocolate when you spend 9 hours a day in a chocolate factory. tomorrow, i start my psyllium husk-bentonite clay milkshakes to scrape out my intestines. if you think that sounds repulsive, you're right. i haven't even had one yet and i'm already gagging. so i'm supposed to drink these "shakes" twice a day for 30 days, then it'll be time for that extra-repulsive liver/gall flush....it's gonna be a long month. i better feel like a million dollars when this is over....like i've won the lottery...or gotten rich without winning the lottery 'cause i clicked on that sketchy feng shui link...

mmm, i love me some self-improvement in small, strong doses!

but i'm mostly focused and in it to win it; this weekend i got all funny business out of my system by frolicking around a park, looking for easter eggs. after wandering around a rainy park dressed in my deviled egg halloween costume, we returned home for "hoppy hour:" lots of ipa and rabbit stew. lots of delicious. and egg salad, of course. which was also delicious. and chocolate. everything was magical: we ate and ate and ate and played music and ate and told stories and ate until we all fell asleep and lived hoppily ever after...

p.s. i played a funny april fool's (fools? fools'? i never know how to properly punctuate that because they could all make sense, i guess) day joke on my tour thursday! i had them all take a bite of "mystery chocolate" and guess the flavor...then i told them we were experimenting with flavors inspired by the countries from where we source our beans and that they were the first test audience for the grasshopper bar. bah hahaha! APRIL FOOLS!

p.p.s. i got overalls at a clothing swap and i'm never taking them off.

becca spring cleaning

2010-03-29T15:33:00.001-07:00

these are the orginal bob ross paintings. the first is called "colors o!" but i couldn't find it on the internetz...so here's a similar one that has similar trees:

and this is called "waves of wonder". at this point, most people present lost patience with our slow internet connection and started taking their world to the next level. you'll see:

and here are the paint-along interpretations:

it's our world!...and my cat is real cute. and he plays the kazoo.

i will be doing this a lot more often. probably more by myself, or with just a few other people, or with more wine in me.

***

other than that, i'm preparing for a giant cleanse of body and soul. starting on easter, right after "naked girls reading." i will be healthy and stop drinking and get rid of all of my vices at once...and go to yoga and meditate and be extra, extra nice and loving to all people everywhere. i'm also going to do this crazy liver/gallbladder cleanse that dustin told me about that involves epsom salt, olive oil, lemon juice, and "pooping like a goose" to get all my gallstones out and improve my bile flow. doesn't that sound magical? plus, i'm going to work on my rollerskating skillz so i can start skating to work. i will keep my room tidy and finally do my taxes and send out all those letters that i wrote on my typewriter.

i will, however, keep eating aloha sliders from the marination mobile that parks outside of work on wednesdays. it's really why i go to work on wednesdays. mmmlllllrrrrrrgggggg (sounds of delicious)...

catz bein' catz

2010-03-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

i always salt my food before i taste it. i can just tell by looking at it that it needs more salt. and i'm right.

i also have very good intuition and judge of character. so i can usually tell when you're trying to sell me something and/or if you're a sleazeball. good luck getting me to change my mind.

everything with a grain of salt...but the mindfuckery is still powerful, emotional, exhausting...eye-twitchingly awful. almost two weeks of twitchy left eye now. according to my research, this could mean bad luck, good luck, i'm going to meet someone new, i'll be mourning for someone, or stress and fatigue. but there's nothing i can do to stop it.

finally my cats are picking up on my emotional state and comforting me, like cats are supposed to. tk slept in my bed two nights in a row. now he's cuddling with me. maybe i have to be really sad and drink a lot of rum and pass out watching the l word before they think it's severe enough to step in.

the grind.

2010-03-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

i'm an impressive lady. at least my babysittee/'lil kindred spirit bean thinks so. she thinks so because i put a cheerio in my palm and said, "hey, watch my anteater impression!" then sucked it up and it disappeared. she thought that was pretty damn funny. one of my many tricks. then we both made up new words to old songs.

my win something/lose something pattern continues. it kind of sucks, but then suddenly it's nice again...and then it sucks, etc. bluegrass band jam at house, lose my house keys...cry at work, get to doula for a magician...replace lost debit card, get rejected, lose recently found bike key yet again, forget to pack lunch, make baby laugh by pretending to be anteater...it's a mixed bag.

the other night, while watching cinderella, we were presented with a dilemma: idil's friend had an injured-but-alive mouse that had been attacked by his cat. mouse was clearly suffering and needed to be put out of its misery. but how?

"put it in a bag and slam it against the wall!"
"drown it."
"no, just break its neck!"
"put it under the wheel of your car and run over it...then you don't have to touch it or watch it die..."
"when my parents were too poor to take their dying hamster to the vet, they gave it an overdose of aspirin...um, i don't know how you would get the mouse to take the aspirin..."

it was horrible. more horrible because the mice in cinderella wear clothes and talk. imagining gus in any of the above scenarios made me feel sick.

sometimes doing the right thing feels like shit.

shelly says there's always a reason

2010-02-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

it's the year of the tiger, which means:

OX: 29% (2 favorable and 10 unfavorable months)

You could have a measure of good luck this year...On the other hand you might as well be prepared to face some challenges. Tiger style is not conducive to your peace of mind. This is not the time to march forth boldly into battle heedless of the consequences. You will have to pick your fights and show much restraint if you want to be successful overall. You are only likely to have two great months this year; make sure to take advantage of the opportunities they provide. The rest of the time you need to tone down your efforts and press ahead carefully with ongoing projects.

err....maybe i should stop reading the internetz. TWO favorable months? it's NOT time to march forth boldly?!

this just after i declared this year's theme: shit or get off the pot. i'm already marching forth boldly, dammit! sorry, tiger, no can stop.

extreme successes, glorious failures.

i found my bike key, finally...and lost my debit card.

becca intuition forecasts a lot of similar trades to come. so maybe in the end i'll come out even.

powers

2010-02-19T01:33:00.000-08:00

i have accidentally tapped into a magical brain power. or at least something that feels like a magical brain power.

not like times i've tried to access magical brain power in the past. remember in elementary school when you finished a test and you had to sit there until everyone else was done? i always finished early, so i'd set my pencil on my desk, stare at it, and try to move it with my magical brain powers. this never worked.

but lately, when i release a thought into the universe, it has been coming back to me like a boomerang...only upon its return, the thought becomes real: a person, an opportunity, or sometimes a lunch item.

kind of creepy, eh? i wonder if it's temporary. or if i have any control over these magical brain powers. regardless, i suppose i should be especially careful what i think.

maybe i should give that pencil thing another go, too...

somewhat related, i attended my first birth tonight at the hospital. the opportunity came out of nowhere, unless you count all the antsy thoughts i've had this week regarding my stagnant doula career.

when i got the call i pulled out my notes and started cramming and nervously smoking a cigarette on my porch. so much to think about! when do i use the birthing ball? what do i do if they try to give her pitocin? at how many centimeters do i stop touching her and only ask her yes or no questions? gah! nerves, nerves, nerves...

it turns out, like i knew but couldn't feel, it was fine. we connected beautifully. slow dancing was her labor position of choice. also breathing out with horse lips helped her a lot, especially when i did it with her.

it was really something, swaying and blowing raspberries for hours and hours together, her big baby belly up against my empty one.

god, i can't believe life starts like that.

two man stories

2010-02-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

the other day i went to flair tacos for lunch. it's not that good, but it is the closest place to work. the thing that makes it less good is that it's somehow supposed to be a burlesque taco truck and i have never seen anything burlesque happen there. Fully clothed middle aged men always serve me. once i ordered a veggie taco with beans

and the man said, "you know the beans are cooked in LARD."
me: "okay. fine."
him: "in fact, probably all beans you've had were cooked in LARD."
me: "that's fine. i want them."
him: "so NOT vegetarian, eh? cooked in LARD. not as healthy as you think. *mutter mutter* all vegetarians trying to be healthy with their beans."
me: "i want them! i don't care! i only have a half hour lunch break! give me the lard beans!"

anyway, i digress...

despite flair taco's failure to provide burlesque and lard-free beans (not to mention rancho bravo's superior food quality and closerness to my house), i really wanted to tell a story about a different, nicer (also fully clothed) man i met in line the other day. he was old. with that nice wispy old man hair that i really like on old men. so we were in line and we both spotted a penny on the ground at the same time.

him: "oh, a penny!"
me: "oh, and it's heads up!"
him: "that's good luck."
me: "you should pick it up."
him: *chuckle* "oh no, i already have good luck. you should take it."
me: "mmm...actually, i've been having pretty damn good luck myself."
him: *wink* "well, we'll leave it for someone else."

so we did.

i saw another heads-up penny in front of my house on the way to the bus stop today. it's still there, if you're interested.

antsy smashpants!

2010-02-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

hi there.

since we last spoke, i have acquired many new obsessions and restructured my five- year plan. with so many new year's resolutions, it's hard to believe, right? i know. but alas.

it all started with an empowering weekend...

first, we went to the miss indigo blue academy of burlesque alumni show, which started with non-disney princesses and ended with fried egg pasties.

then, i saw my first EVER roller derby.

i expected to like it...fine, medium, okay. i'm not that competitive, i don't like sports, so...

holy heartfailure! why didn't anyone TELL me about this before?? i did not expect to LOVE IT. i did not expect to NEED TO DO IT! i did not expect to not be able to stop thinking about it. so now all i need to do is: buy some skates, relearn to skate, learn to skate well, maybe get some more tattoos, and nurture that teeny tiny competitive seed that must live somewhere inside me. it must live somewhere inside me, because it was about to burst out of my heart on sunday. it spoke to me from within. it said, "becca, this is your destiny! incorporate roller derby into your five-year plan! call yourself 'beverly crusHer*'!" those voices are not to be ignored.

this leaves me with a lot of work to do, on top of my pre-existing life, which suddenly seems bland, meaningless, and annoyingly time-consuming.

so i have all that to think about and suddenly, 15 years after the rest of the world, i discovered ebay. there is so much cheap shit to be had! and it feeds my teeny tiny internal competitive seed. i want everything. i want things i didn't know i wanted. lingerie, feathery things for my hair, instruments, typewriters...i want roller skates! and, more so, i want to outbid!

meanwhile, i'm getting more and more anxious to see a baby be born! good god!

so much waiting...so much to be done...

of course right in the midst of my brilliant plan of action and newly discovered passions, my almost-yearlong streak of healthiness comes to an abrupt stop and common cold kicks my daydreaming ass. hard. like...stay home a few days hard. damnit. i clearly don't have time for this!

antsy antsy antsy!!!

*lamentably, this name has already been taken. curses! if you have any name suggestions for me, (burlesque, derby, or otherwise) please share.

diy flipbook

2010-02-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

oh boy...

i made this and this today.

the art of the tease

2010-01-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

does anyone wanna know how my new year's resolutions are going?! ...anyone?

good. great! because we're almost 1/12 done with the entire year, and this is the most motivated i will be for the entire year, so the first month is important.

which is why i decided to do #12 immediately. #12: take a burlesque class. not the one featured in a wink & a smile, which you should all watch, which i would like to take eventually, but just a tiny beginner baby burlesque workshop called: the art of the tease.

i went into the class thinking that i would be pretty good at it. the class was all ladies of different shapes, sizes, ages...everyone was nice and normal. and i am pretty okay at pretending to be sexy, which is what burlesque is all about. i have invested in nice lingerie, learned how to shake my ass fast, and when i wear my tutu, i can somehow give a smokin' lap dance (um, at least it's always smokin' in my *possiblydrunken* mind). but, as i should have considered, i'm a cancer leo rising. that means i love performing...in the comfort of my own home. at least my figurative home, somewhere i feel comfortable. or maybe i just like to perform when i'm drunk. hmm. many factors to consider...

it turns out that in class i got real shy and self-conscious, which translated into me doing everything we were supposed to do at DOUBLE speed. really fast = not sexy. and i giggled a lot. i giggled while trying to remove a sexy glove with my teeth. i giggled trying to make sexy faces at some lady across the room. i couldn't go slow and i couldn't stop laughing.

this means: 1. i'm definitely not ready to take the tassle-twirling class and 2. my next project will be to make a soundtrack to which i will practice my new skillz...in my room.

progress though, right?

well...that is the only fun i've had all month. i have been working many dayz and long hours, but i'm focusing hard on setting personal boundaries (really, i am). i can tell because i've been abnormally blunt lately, extending my personal boundaries in order to correct people i find generally offensive to humankind. like, "hey, asshole, don't turn right on red without looking for pedestrians!" things like that. and other things. that need to be said. i've given lots of people firm...guidance and suggestions that past two weeks...yet i'm still failing at the personal boundaries thing.

my first office job --> sitting still for many hours --> feeling super antsy and stiff and isolated --> a sudden surge of physical exercise --> too tired to do anything else --> early to bed --> get up, do it again --> even on the weekends. i thought physical activity was supposed to release lots of endorphins and make me feel happier! turns out i just feel bland and apathetic. my new life is turning me into a tired, unexcitable being.

...that's not entirely true. i still get excited about my cats.

and i'm excited about successfully completing my resolutions.

(especially my secret ones. yes, i have secret ones and i'm not telling you, so don't even ask.)

addendum

2010-01-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

16. don't let work consume my life
17. don't develop a caffeine addiction

boys boys boys

2010-01-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

i have a giant, new-found crush on lady gaga. i can't stop watching the "bad romance" video. i can't. and i don't want to stop.

that said, here are my 2010 new years resolutions!!!

1. go to the rainforest
2. find a band who needs a saw player (obviously join said band)
3. get my DONA (doula) certification
4. spend a weekend in portland
5. go to canada
6. learn basic construction skillz
7. write one letter every week
8. take a real vacation
9. ride bike to capitol hill
10. move out of wallingford/north seattle
11. read more...
12. take a burlesque class
13. take a spanish class
14. memorize every country on world map
15. stop buying cigarettes

totally reasonable list, no? i especially like it because i've already finished #1 & #8, and i'm on my way to #11 (which is subjective, even though i said i wouldn't do that anymore...) & #12.

the year started off a bit shaky. i'll spare you the details, but it involved a lot of crying, fake eyelashes, and spending midnight in line alone at the bar, balloons falling from the ceiling, with a stranger named george who had pity on me and bought me a shot of whiskey while everyone around us hugged, kissed, and sang auld lang syne.

since then, things have drastically improved and i have a good feeling about the year. i finally went on an actual vacation. watched salmon spawn in the hoh rainforest, sat in the hollow trunk of a giant tree, saw real vampires in forks (whose tourism has increased 600% since the twilight books were published!!), skinnydipped in the pacific at midnight, climbed a giant sand dune, drank scotch with ben's parents, maybe got stung by a dead jellyfish, went to the tillamook cheese factory, and read 3.5 books.

i was away long enough to realize that i'm not used to spending time with just boys, i am a shameless cat lady, and it's hard to go an entire week without bad romance.

all the single ladies

2009-12-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

shana brought home a flier from work printed by the seattle cancer care alliance with information on how to cope with the (and this is the official medical term) holiday blues.

Did You Know? You might be at risk for the Holiday Blues if you are...single, coping with a chronic or recently diagnosed disease, have a history of loss...

whoa whoa whoa...single? that is the biggest risk factor for the holiday blues? even before being diagnosed with a disease? luckily, they continue with helpful hints on how to cope and "manage your expectations":

-prioritize and minimize
-acknowledge the way you feel
-communicate your needs
-focus on what gives you peace vs. obligation (does this mean i don't have to call mom and dad on christmas?)
-realize there is no magic formula
-reflect on what really matters
-create new traditions (like drinking mimosas by yourself and listening to the mariah carey holiday pandora station)

so, that being said, i think i've done best at creating new traditions and am having the hardest time with realizing there is no magic formula. because it seems like if i weren't single, i wouldn't even get the holiday blues. and since "being in an unhealthy or stressful relationship" and "working retail on christmas eve" aren't on the risk factor list, just finding any old companion seems like a pretty magical formula to me.

...well, i gotta go watch bridget jones and eat ice cream straight out of the carton and drink wine straight out of the bottle. k bye.

diagnosis

2009-12-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

the other night my heart started twitching. or palpitating? i'm not really sure. it was like a surge of blood through my heart every once in a while, like those electric power surges where all the lights get bright all the sudden. webmd symptom checker says it could be excessive caffeine use, cocaine abuse, a vitamin b12 deficiency, pseudohypoparathyroidism, or an acute stress reaction. or 15 other things.

anyway, it stopped. then my eye started twitching. do you know what causes that? stress. fatigue. nervous system disorders.

it got really cold here. there was frost on everything yesterday. and a strange fog. i took the bus, which slid all over the road. we were going under the aurora bridge and the bus driver said, "if you look to your left, you see a bridge going nowhere." it just disappeared into the fog. everyone looked to their left and made grunting noises. "hmm. eh. isn't that something."

my feet hurt like hell. webmd symptom checker says that possible causes are: dancing in heels for five hours straight last night.

a personal record, and something i won't ever do again.

check out these musical stairs

2009-11-17T13:43:00.000-08:00

since yesterday, i've been on edge. dressed up with nowhere to go. waiting by the phone. actually.

i've been trying to stay normal and maintain a routine, but everything i do seems to be an outlet for my nervous energy. and my "fuck you!" energy.

yesterday at the eye doctor they asked me if i drank or smoked. i lied. why do they need to know? i lost my wallet on the way there and smoked a cigarette on the way back. in the rain. my eye doctor will never understand my tragic, poetic cigarette in the rain.

then we were talking about how cookie monster eats vegetables now because sesame street doesn't want to contribute to child obesity. but! gah! it's not, i mean, er...i need a cookie for that. to honor cookie monster. the monster formerly known as cookie monster.

and i'm frustrated about work. i'm frustrated at how much i give and i'm frustrated to be left hanging and i'm frustrated about how much weight every life choice carries right now and i'm mad that i had to give a tour to a group of 25 drunk women on saturday who made jokes about child labor and talked to each other the entire time. so rude. you'd think i'd need some whiskey for that one, but instead i spied a big reese's cup on the coffee table and ate that shitty wax slave chocolate for the first time in almost two years. mmmm....

today my nerves were at their nerviest nerve peak. i went in for my first birth, met a single mom in early labor, and left the hospital. and left my phone number with the nurse, so she could call me when things got interesting. i looked at my phone every two seconds and went to study and cram when i should have just rested. and the best way i prepared was by eating a giant hamburger because it seemed like the thing i needed most.

and i've been sitting right here ever since. checking phone...cramming...writing a comprehensive document of everything i've ever learned...checking phone...watching tk fight with a packet of saltine crackers...checking phone...good god!

i'm calling the charge nurse....

...

"oh, her? she went home," says charge nurse. oh. well. either she popped it out immediately after or i left or, more than likely, she wasn't progressing and they sent her home until her contractions were productive. either way, i'm sure she's a lot more on edge than me.

too bad...i would've liked to have been at the birth of a little scorpio girl born during the peak of the leonid meteor shower.

it's a lot less "choose my own adventure" and a lot more "other people choose my own adventure." or maybe it's "i'm just part of someone else's adventure to begin with."

but that just seems less appealing.

when you give your guests a typewriter

2009-11-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

frat haus guest book!!!!
agshark attackkk!

tk represejt'
oliver, breplb reluctantly

werd, werds, werds, but not a thing to say. winter was waving wistful when "WHAM" went the water with what willpower water will wantonly whittle.

the sound of the electric typewriter is one that has escaped from our land. it lives on in the phillipines and in this house.

don you you can. you p ayin with your life; this ain't no truth or dare. show em what's funky, show em whats right; it doesn't matter what's wrong or right just beat it. as in, take two eggs, half a cup of heavy cream, a pinch of salt, blend in a bowl, saute on low for 7 minutes until fluffy and golden serve with fresh fruit and toast, as part of a healthy breakfast.

this is not the easiest thing to type. of the night.

what is that thing? what is that thing? where is that thing? that music can not be described. where is that desrcription?
desicration
the nation
that facial motion

can "i take my glasses back?" whatever when the thing that's happening is just as interesting as the person is typing. the thing that is being typed is more than is being interpreted. whatever is is is is is is is is is is is is what bannter. what why wherefore?

the night was drawing to a close. the ladies of the worried that everything would not work outalright hoever, le xxxx xxxxxx was at the party, and he promised to make sure everythin would work out alright. therefore, the ladies decided that if he romised and kept his rpomis he would be responidsble for everything bad that happpppppendred thatnight.....
would he?
yeah.
oh wait
oh shit

i'm.
coming
OUt.
I'm coing
I'm
coming out.
I'm coing
I'm
yeah yeah yeah...

so yo better get the party started
screw in the lightbulb and wash the table
dance
dance
dancedance
ya
whoa

once upton a midnight fdreary the insects started to bight. the right stuff was wrong, and the people took to long. short stuff took the stage. the page was too white, and the night the night, su k in w like a heavy blankert.

badass

2009-11-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

and then on the way out of the theater, i saw kimya dawson!

step into the light

2009-11-02T23:34:00.000-08:00

things that have happened fairly recently:

-idil laughed at me for having the washington litter report number programmed in my phone. i didn't do this because i intend to rat someone out...i was just curious about how it worked. i thought you called in when you saw someone throw a hamburger wrapper on the ground to describe their clothing and whereabouts, and i wondered how that would do any good at all...apparently i'm thinking too much like a pedestrian. this number is for drivers to call when they see other drivers litter:

Citizens who witness littering acts can call the hotline and report basic information such as date, time, location, objects thrown, the license plate of the vehicle, and a description of the vehicle.

well then. i will delete that number.

-my bus got pulled over while i was riding it. there was only me, the driver, and some yuppie business man with a briefcase and a hunger for drama. the bus was maneuvering around this big truck blocking the bus zone on a narrow one way street and was ticketed by a grumpy old cop with sunglasses on a cloudy day and a white handlebar mustache for "not looking before he pulled away from the bus zone." they were talking outside the bus and the whole time dramatic business man was trying to open the window to listen to their conversation and looking at me with wide eyes saying, "whoaaaa. whooaaaaaa, can you BELIEVE this? whoaaaa." he never got the window open. but we sat on the bus for 15 minutes while the city wrote a ticket for the city. the driver asked for our contact information as eyewitnesses in case he contests the ticket. traffic court may be in my future.

-the kitten continues to piss in the same place over and over again. even after i threw out all the furniture and blankets he had sprayed before, hauled a futon across town, and doused everything with vinegar, baking soda, and febreze. i'm not that surprised...but i had hoped things would be different this time. well, his ballz are getting chopped off tomorrow so hmmph. they also have fleas. before we attempt the bath, we're using a flea comb which has been a gross, fascinating hobby for me for the past two days. it's disgustingly satisfying. if you've ever used one, you'll know what i mean.

-amy is back in town for a hot second...we've been lazing around the house, biking for cupcakes, and making earrings shaped like vaginas. :)

-i have been surprised to find out that more than two people read my blog. huh. do you read my blog?

meals this week.

2009-10-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

this woman on my tour gave me a whole bag of kettle corn saturday, which i ate in lieu of lunch and dinner.

then last night someone who works at georgetown brewing company brought us four gallons of beer at work, which, again, i drank for my dinner (not all four gallons).

i found out my boss used to date an actor from one of my favorite south african soapies, isidingo. and also that we are going to try to get dave matthews to do a benefit concert. i mean, he lives in the neighborhood and all. my boss's son's friend is friends with his kids. we got jane goodall, for godsake!

after sitting in front of the fire drinking more free dinner beer, ellie and i went to the blue moon. i haven't been there probably since whatever the last major holiday was. but it never changes. last night there were two men in matching red zoot suits and fedoras and this dog that was chasing it's tail and chasing it's tail and chasing it's tail and the band played stop hey what's that sound and the whole crowd was singing along and it was the woman bartender working, so she gave us a discount on our drinks just because we are women and we weren't those obnoxious men sitting at the bar. and then a man came up to our table and sold us a $6 cheese pizza and this pizzajerk named shane came up and asked where we got it and when we told him, he didn't believe us. i offered him my last piece of crust as evidence and he opened his mouth. i guess he wanted me to feed it to him. i said, "i'm not going to feed you. you have to take it yourself." and he said, "nah, that's okay." and just high-fived us about three times each.

tk is starting to piss on things more. everyone tries to be mad at him but he's so fucking cute, it never really works. now everything he peed on is in the washing machine and it's making that thu-thunk-thu-thunk sound like it's going to explode.

i actually dreamed that i was in south africa two nights ago. it was so amazing to be there. since then, south africa keeps popping up in conversation. also in the dream my dad had this asymmetrical emo hipster haircut. it looked so weird.

crunchy leaves make fall autumn

2009-10-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

well, now my hair is bright red. i didn't quite plan on it. we dyed it blonde first, so the brown part of the auburn that i was supposed to provide didn't happen.

everyone says they love it. really, everyone. even the save the children canvassers in front of pcc. i guess you have to say things like that when someone's hair is bright red. but not so enthusiastically, you know? when you "oh my god love it! love! it!" sooo much, that's when i get skeptical.

i mean, i don't love it that much. i love it kind of like i love my romper and my tutu and my velvet shrug and my gold lamé pants and the way i dance: in a sincere, but ridiculous sort of way...in a costumey sort of way (but different than a costume. more real).

i've always been bad at taking compliments. but especially when i think they are unnecessary and/or false. i'm just a skeptic.

other than my hair, not much has changed. shana and i picked the cutest lil' pumpkin on bainbridge today. i want to fill it with beer, then i want to make it into pie.

i had my work review. but we're in a pay freeze so that doesn't mean much except for an hour's worth of awkwardly listening to compliments.

ying visited and my soul feels better than it did. we danced, ate lots of foods, and played boggle in the park. she kicked my ass at boggle, which i probably deserved for making her ride all over the g.d. city on my clunky 'ol schwinn.

i recently learned that up to 21% of women who have natural labors might be orgasming during birth.

i took tk to the vet. while i was waiting i listened to the receptionist call patient after patient saying, "hi, this is cathy. just wanted to remind you of cosmo's teeth cleaning tomorrow" and "looking forward to seeing schnuggums for her annual feces screening and toenail trimming next week..." things that make me not want to go to the vet anymore.

....does anyone else get scared that they're becoming a boring grown-up?

here we go again

2009-09-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

i should have known that mercury was in retrograde again. all signs pointed to yes, so i looked it up, and it is. so there you have it; it can't just be in my brain, the chaos can't just be from my anticipation and looking extra hard for things going wrong.

i finally investigated it after our computer system at work crashed twice, my coworker told her she felt like everyone was annoyed at her and just couldn't communicate clearly, our bags are on backorder, and we had to redo 428 wine kits because of a misprint in the literature. yup, til september 29.

i've been acting strangely, too. doing things i've never done. i got my hair cut on sunday (not that you can tell). at a real place. when i went running yesterday i put one sock and one shoe on, and then the other sock and the other shoe.

mercury in retrograde and the cocorosie show i went to last week. that's why everything is weird.

goodall strudel

2009-09-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

i met jane goodall yesterday! and by "met," i mean she came into the theo tour hopper yesterday morning, the room in which i lecture 25 bourgie entitled customers daily on why they should care about fair trade. about ten of us were lined up like the von trapp family, wearing matching t-shirts, drinking coffee from matching mugs, dumb grins on our faces. it was so surreal. it was supposed to be our time to ask her questions and "chat" with her about her life. i had nothing to say. what the hell would i say to jane goodall?? "excuse me, dr. goodall. how does it feel to be such a badass, important, amazing person?" part of me wanted to tell her i dressed up as her for halloween last year. the better part of me talked that part of me out of it. so i just stood there and grinned stupidly.

then i was allowed to help serve her private 12-person brunch. eeeeeee!!!* she had to go upstairs and rest before brunch was over, so they took her chocolate strudel up to her resting room. today i went upstairs to fill up water and it's still sitting there, half eaten. jane goodall germs on a half-eaten day-old strudel! who wants it? who wants it?

*in chimp language, that means "holy shit, becca! sometimes you have an awesome life!!!"

108

2009-09-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

i'm getting ready to shed an old layer and expose a new one. neither of those layers are quite ready yet, but the anticipation of transition leaves me feeling the same way i do every time before i move. i'm sad to leave an era behind, but always excited enough to have my belongings packed in boxes weeks before the move, with one foot out the door before i'm finished. my relationships become either more intense or more distant.

and it's all starting to happen now.

last night i was eating foraged huckleberry coconut ice cream over glazed white peaches with liz. and i suddenly remembered that i believe you have to know where you came from before you can understand where you're going. and where you are, presently, for that matter. i don't mean to sound cliche or woowoo. i know i do. i know it sounds like kitschy inspirational blah blah blah, and normally i would have a healthily cynical reaction towards it, but this was one of those moments when you're eating ice cream and it just resonates and it's true.

i remembered (and i'm always a little surprised at this) how i'm not so different now from who i've ever been. different skins, same becca-spirit.

i think this was all instigated by a conversation with my mother about my birth. i mean, holy geez, i know i'm a cancer sun, leo ascending, sagittarius moon, but i don't even know what it was like when i entered the universe under those stars.

totally natural birth, short labor, pushed out in a semi-sitting position, immediate skin-to-skin contact. i popped out about six hours after contractions first started on a sunday morning when we all should have been at church. i was the messiest of her three births. they had cleaned my older sister off a bit and wrapped her in a blanket before my mom held her, so when they plopped me straight onto her belly she just thought, "whoa, this feels weird."

during her most intense contractions, the only thing she could focus on was this tiny tear in one of the curtains. that was all she could look at.

antsy

2009-08-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

lots of minimal, low-quality writing lately, i know. it's not that nothing's going on. there's so much going on.

despite the fact that my period came almost a full week after the new moon (i even drank a shit ton of parsley tea because it's supposed to induce...no luck), the experience was mostly redeemed by my first use of my diva cup. i've known about them forever, but this is the first period i've used it and it might have changed my menstruating life. no leaking, fewer dollars overall, can't feel it, good for the earth, and it's actually pretty fascinating to dump that 'lil cup in the toilet. someday perhaps i'll make sweet art with mine. anyway, if you're a woman who bleeds and you're not a believer already, strongly recommend it (i've heard it's best to go with diva over keeper because you might develop a latex allergy with the latter...).

wow. is that really the first thing i have to say about my life? guess it is.

i just spent hellamoney on thousands of books about midwifery, childbirth, and breastfeeding. when i got home after being away for the weekend, there were five on my porch and i ripped them open like it was christmas. i can't wait to lock myself in my room and read them for hours. i'm particularly excited about the ones by ina may gaskin because i have a hunch i'm going to fall in love with her.

i have my first "interview" with a couple due in late october! the mother-to-be works with shana and they can't afford a doula and i'm free right now, so we'll see...i'm meeting them for coffee next week and i'm ridiculously nervous/excited. even if it doesn't turn out to be a good match, at least it'll break the ice and get things moving for me. i'm also interviewing to volunteer for UW's on-call doula program, which will be a perfect introduction for me.

i need a haircut.

i'm meeting jane goodall on saturday.

maybe i'm speaking too soon, but...i think we're going to keep The Kitten. i have a feeling. we had him scanned for a microchip and registered him on the seattle shelter's found animals list. no word so far. they said he looks about three months old. now must convince housemates this is a good idea.

i rearranged my shoebox of a room. i'm always pleased with how creative i can be with a tiny space.

back to reading, daydreaming...

comment box

2009-08-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

i gave a tour to 15-year-olds. great.

comments in the box from the girls:

"our tour guide becca was awesome. she should get a raise. she's so nice."

comments from the boys:

"your employees need to shave their legs" and "it's nice to see that your tour guides keep all their leg hair intact" and "bang! give me all your money!"

not that i'm surprised. not that i care what those little assholes think. i mean, except for the ones that think i should get a raise...

this is a time in my life in which reassurance keeps coming from unexpected places and people who aren't part of my everyday routine. it's refreshing. it also makes me think i should change my everyday routine.

perhaps finding the kitten stranded in the brambles along I-5 is the beginning of this.

will not get emotionally attached...will not get emotionally attached...will not...

mamaz

2009-08-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

can't stop thinking about them.

i'm really ready to drop everything and hold women's hands while they scream.

the current state of birth in the u.s.:

and this is so beautiful...of course it's normal for women to scream or swear or yodel or cope however they need and that is powerful, too. some cultures/religions require the mother to remain quiet and still during labor, which is shitty. but i don't sense that's what's happening here:

throw it in a bag of rice

2009-08-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

i was about to write this in rhyme, but it got too hard. so. the boring facts, straight up.

after a ridiculously long week, my weekend has become the weekend i always fantasize about, wherein i sit around on my ass, splurge on massages, walk around naked at a spa i have all to myself, sleep in, yoga occasionally, write letters to my friends, and take phat naps.

it feels so wonderful to have two days that are mine, mine, mine.

especially after a week like that. oof. i fucked up a lot, i think. i counted the cash wrong and paid a bill late and hurt someone's feelings (well, only one that i know about) and the neighbors left us a mean, passive aggressive note. and probably i fucked up in other ways i don't even know about yet.

additionally, i miss a lot of people. that's normal i guess, but i've been getting these strong, physical pangs that start in my chest and stab into my gut.

and i dropped my phone in the rain. overnight in a bag of rice seemed to make it okay though. i wish everything could be fixed so easily.

sunrise over I-5 (as seen through mason jars of melted ice water)

2009-07-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

melted

2009-07-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

i hope my sweat doesn't drip into my computer keyboard and make it explode.

i sweat significantly more than everyone else. really, i do.

oliver desperately wants to get out of this oven of a house. so do i. i want to be cool. i want to be able to sleep again.

i'm miserable. miiisserablleeeee!!!!

i need a fan. i want to put a bowl of ice cubes in front of said fan.

i think seattle is really out of fans. dumb fucking seattle and its mild fucking weather.

grrrrshmmmmrrggggeeeeeeeee.....blrg.

two degrees from kevin bacon

2009-07-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

have you ever tried to be grumpy while wearing a tutu?

i would have said it was impossible before last night. now i know it can be done. and it can be done well.

here's how:

step one- have a bad week. work lots of hours, don't sleep much, and let yourself get nice and irritable.

step two- choose an activity to look forward to and muster up whatever energy you have to get excited about it. (example: a ferry carnival, full of joy and positive energy.)

step three- on your way to said activity, leave the house in plenty of time, get stuck in bumper to bumper friday rush hour traffic for forty minutes, stop at every red light, curse the cars around you for existing, think about how you should have taken the bus, pay $11 for parking, sprint to the ferry terminal with all your hula hoops and musical instruments, and arrive just as the ferry woman is closing the gate and the boat is floating away with your carnival on it.

step four (optional)- channel any ounce of cancer you have in your zodiac chart that traps you in your mood so that when people try to cheer you up, it will just make you feel worse.

and that, folks, is how to be grumpy in a tutu.

i iz surfin the netz

2009-07-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

yesterday i rediscovered how romantic and dramatic and fun writing a letter on a typewriter is. only the cartridge ran out of ink half way through my letter...so i spent $27 on two new cartridges...money that should have been put toward credit card payments or savings or something responsible and adultish. alas.

other than frivolous purchases of ink cartridges and paintings and ice cream, i have been, overall, a very balanced and healthy human being the past few days; cleaning my room, going to yoga, taking walks, writing letters, eating salad...i remembered how important it is to make myself spend time alone (and away from the computer). on the outside i think i exude melancholy, but inside i feel quite zen and peaceful. i'm trying really hard not to launch into on of my unsustainable saint sprees this time, and just relax and ease into good habits and general acceptance of where life brings me. we'll see...

meanwhile i've been reading about reproductive rights and education, doulas, and midwifery and trying not to get carried away fantasizing about the future.

oh, did anyone watch the new target women (see last post)? it turns out that the woman who wrote the rating system book is my sister's co-worker! ah, world, you are so tiny.

also, jodi sent me this link from racialicious. it helps to know a bit about south minneapolis if you don't, but chicago-lake is my old neighborhood, known for lots of diversity, lots of crime, and, recently, lots of gentrification. so these ads are...well, blatantly racist. anyway, that was my liquor store. sigh.

new episode!

2009-07-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

cheese to sickbay!

2009-07-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

did you know there is a tangletown in minneapolis and a tangletown in seattle? according to the powers that be of wikipedia, those are the only two locations. how 'bout that?

housemates are leaving town and coming home, the living room is still a blanket fort, and my bike crash wound is healing into a nice little scar. i'm relearning how to spend quality time alone and trying not to take every damn thing personally.

i registered for the doula training course next month! it feels exciting and meaningful, two things i haven't felt much lately.

irritating customer of the day: this man who comes in periodically to buy confections for his superhero-maybe-fictional wife. here's what i know about her: she's german, she was the first ultrasound technician person in washington, she rock climbs, she's in her late 60s, she beat all the canadians in a big swimming race, she's retired, but gets paid $65 an hour when she decides to go to work, has a huge pension, and also huge boobs (but she had a reduction because she felt self-concious about them). and i'm a captive audience stuck behind the counter, forced to listen to him talk about how much money they have and his wife's breasts. "i married her because she was beautiful," he says, "but it turns out she had brains, too!" well, how lucky.

i also gave a tour to veterans and their families. one man said, "i'm curious about what the gender breakdown is of the company. i bet it's all women. because women loooovvveee chocolate. more than men." he laughed at his own stupid comment. you could tell he'd been rehearsing it in his brain. i took great pleasure in responding that originally in aztec culture, women weren't allowed to eat chocolate, as it was considered spiritually enlightening and strength-building, thus there is no inherent connection between women and chocolate. the veteran wives really liked it when i said that.

ah, molesty chocolate wind.

have you ever tried to make a list of your top 5 pleasurable experiences? it's not an easy task.

sit here for the present

2009-07-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

remember my free will astrology horoscope from last month about watching the big pile of shit burn? i've been following my horoscope since. i know nobody cares, but i do:

june 18

We ask that you not divulge the climax of the epic story to anyone -- at least until you've let it sink in for a while and felt all the reverberations it has unleashed. After that, you'll be wise to speak about it only with skilled listeners and empathetic allies who can help you harvest the meaning of all the clues that were packed inside your adventures. One further counsel: Before you reach the absolute, final denouement of the drama, there may be a tricky turn that looks a lot like the ending.

june 25

"His heart was growing full of broken wings and artificial flowers," wrote poet Federico Garcia Lorca. "In his mouth, just one small word was left." There were times during the first half of June when I was tempted to borrow those words to describe you, Cancerian. Now, thankfully, you're moving into a much brighter phase. The buds that are about to bloom in your heart are very much alive, not artificial, and your wings, while not fully restored to strength, are healing. Meanwhile, your mouth is even now being replenished with a fresh supply of many vivid words.

july 2

The ancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, "People of the highest caliber, upon hearing about Taoism, follow it and practice it immediately. People of average caliber, hearing about Taoism, reflect for a while and then experiment. People of the lowest caliber, hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh." Now substitute the words "your splashy new ideas" for "Taoism" in Lao Tse's quote and you'll have your horoscope for this week, Cancerian. For added punch, remember what he said in another context: "No idea can be considered valuable until a thousand people have laughed at it."

july 9

I believe that when you chatter carelessly about a big change that's in the works, you're in danger of draining it of some of its potency. So I don't want to trumpet or gossip about the gift that's on its way to you. I'll just mention that it's coming, and urge you to prepare a clean, well-lit place for it to land. Here's a hint: It could, among other things, help you convert one of your vulnerabilities into a strength or inspire you to start transforming an area of ignorance into a future source of brilliance.

july 16

I invite you to write down brief descriptions of the five most pleasurable moments you've ever experienced in your life. Let your imagination dwell lovingly on these memories for, say, 20 minutes. And keep them close to the surface of your awareness in the week ahead. If you ever catch yourself slipping into a negative train of thought, interrupt it immediately and compel yourself to fantasize about those Big Five Ecstatic Moments. This exercise will be an excellent way to prime yourself for a New Age of Unhurried Bliss and Gentle Beauty, which I predict is just ahead for you. If you can keep the morose part of your mind quiet, there's a good chance you will stir up a new ecstatic experience that will belong near the top of your all-time list.

okay. i'm ready for a some big fantastic thing to happen! i've burned my old shit, i've cleared the way, been introspective, thought of brilliant "splashy" ideas, and am now open to receive a big. fucking. present.

i pulled something in my back.

today when i got to work, my period started with a gush. i was not prepared. paper towel waddage for the rest of the day.

but i finally had a good tour; these two 11-year-old girls hugged and thanked me. i nearly cried. what?

all signs point to cream cheese hotdog

2009-07-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

this week. a play-by-play:

monday: yet again, my father has nearly ruined something wonderful for me: science fiction. i grew up with a dad who had an embarrassingly impressive star trek collection, including a bible written in the klingon language and a mannequin to display his uniform. so naturally, i avoided sci-fi like the plague for most of my life and in my recent years of allowing myself to enjoy some aspects of the genre, i've had a huge aversion to star trek. on my 9th birthday my family went on vacation to universal studios, florida. my dad forced us to participate in one of those cheesy "star in a star trek movie!", wherein you are given lines to recite in front of a green screen and they edit you into a pre-existing episode alongside spock, mccoy, etc. of course my sister and i were not thrilled to be wearing star trek costumes and ruining a perfectly good vacation. but when i was home this past month, i smuggled the video back with me and it somehow launched me warp speed into an another quadrant of the galaxy, beaming in some strange alter-ego evil twin to take my place here in seattle. that alter-ego actually sat on her ass watching star trek for 8 hours straight on monday. unbelievable, really.

tuesday: actually got shit done.

wednesday: nothing to report.

thursday: cashed in my babysitting sutra-bucks for me, shana, and maura to eat one of the most delicious meals i've ever encountered. love seabeans. mmm...

friday: after a post-work-mini-kegger that took place in the factory loading dock, i was the perfect amount of tipsy to thoroughly enjoy the laser: queen show with my science center passes. it exceeded all expectations and this will become part of my regular routine. after laser show, i begin my charitable pub crawl to drink for the kids. i drank a lot for the kids.

saturday: another day at work. i was late due to a parade of clowns that only i saw, that caused much bus rerouting. after work, i attempted to go to soul night sporting my midwest thrift store romper, only to find out that soul night had been moved...determined to dance, we moved to the cuff and met lots of friendly gay men who appreciated my romper like it deserves to be appreciated. dancing followed by cream cheese hotdog.

later that night...could it have been the cream cheese hotdog? could it have been the vodka-sevens i strangely ordered? i went to sleep that night feeling not very drunk and fine overall, but i woke up at 3:30 with a terrible stomach ache and knew that something had to come out of my body, one end or the other. i went to the bathroom to make that happen, with no success. i was awake in bed for two and half hours alone and in pain, considering waking someone up just so they could be with me in my suffering. i finally made myself puke around 6 and damn, did it feel good. i was fine after that...except that i had to wake up two hours later to go to work.

sunday: most insane day of work ever. one and a half staff members had no voice (not ideal for tour-giving), i was sickish and tired as hell, and marianne went home early because she started breaking out in hives in her mouth and her eyes swelled shut. which left us with two healthy people and five tours on our busiest day. iesh. the plot thickens...someone shat outside the store. liquid shit cascading down the rocks in our garden, right in front of our tour hopper door. with a paper towel used for wiping ass. who's job to clean it up? my job to clean it up! i will spare you the details, but it was an epic fail and i should get paid double for the things i touched.

depsite my exhaustion at this point, i went on an argosy cruise around lake washington with all of the local chocolate companies of seattle. it was as awkward and cheesy as i had imagined, but we got our drinks, sat in the corner with the chips and dip, and had a great and funny time.

now. it is finally my weekend.

there's something in the deli aisle.

2009-06-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

sometimes that's enough to launch pre-birthday funk.

two parades in two weeks.

my living room is still a fort.

thank the powers that be for my lady friends.

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mid 20s crisis

2009-06-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

last night i fell off my bike and scraped up my arm and leg.
then i slept in a treehouse.
tomorrow i'm building a gigantic blanket fort. i will eat ants on a log and puppy chow inside gigantic blanket fort.

childhood dreams finally realized.

it's not rocket science, but it's important

2009-06-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

i've confronted a lot of fears lately. a lot of fears i actually didn't know i had to begin with until after the fact.

just this week, i got licked for an audience, rode my bicycle naked in front of thousands of people, and rode a high rail bicycle at the science center with only a socially awkward science nerd named dylan around to save me should i fall.

so far, i've felt great after each conquer. three for three. not bad, i'd say. crossing my fingers that this pattern continues because soon i have to address some trickier, messier fears. and...i'm scared.

today i saw an axolotl for the first time. it looked like a gremlin. volunteering at the science center= getting free passes, watching imax movies and eating popcorn, unlimited free fountain soda, and sitting in giant chairs. a beautiful symbiotic relationship.

just in case.

2009-06-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

dear boobs,

i know we've been debating this subject for 9 years now, and i know what your position is on the topic, but just in case if you are thinking about shrinking ever, tonight while i'm asleep would be an excellent time.

thanks for considering my request. i hope we can continue to coexist in peace and perhaps even grow to like each other someday (...but for the record, i feel like you've been absolutely rotten to me even when i try to cultivate a friendship. so. just sayin'.)

love,

becca

watch it burn.

2009-06-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

last night i got paid to (try to) eat a strawberry seductively and have a woman lick chocolate body paint off of my arm in front of 40 people. i tried to channel my leo rising, which mostly worked, but i still giggled awkwardly and blushed a little at first because no matter what, that's what i do. otherwise, i think i did a damn good job. everything is a learning experience.

i have so many, many things inside of me. maybe that's why the other night i dreamed that asha had grown to be the size of a gigantic hermit crab. gigantic. i feel like my dreams about asha are just manifestations of myself. it's always been true in the past.

my stranger horoscope says:

in honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, i invite you to do the following exercise: imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you've ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. your old furniture is here, along with stuff like once-favorite clothes, cds, and empty boxes of your favorite cereal. but this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture cherished dreams you gave up on, mementos from failed relationships, and symbols of defunct beliefs and self-images you used to cling to. everything that is dead to you is gathered here. got that vision in your mind's eye? now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. watch it burn.

i usually don't find my free will horoscope that relevant, but it was screaming at me this week, so i carefully ripped it out and hung it on my wall. yesterday i was eating macaroni and cheese at fremont coffee and flipping through a copy of the stranger...when i came to the astrology page, the same horoscope was ripped out. nothing else. some cancer somewhere else is fremont feels similarly caught up in the past...i wonder if s/he is having as much trouble with letting go of that shit as i am. i've piled it up. it's really hard to set it on fire.

anyway, enough emotional blah blah. the question now is...to naked bike, or not to naked bike?

harsh my mellow. steal my thunder. suck me into your event horizon.

2009-06-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

up until last night, i've been a zombie. forced smiles and chopped hairs and twitching when i tried to relax.

it's good to sit in a pile a of cushions between people i love with a bag of gummy worms, a bloody mary, and a national geographic movie called "monster black holes."

but still. that ended with a tummy ache and a fear of getting sucked into pure nothingness. and more twitching.

last night i was the opposite of a black hole, spitting out light and energy and dance, warping space-time into infinity.

when i went to sleep, i did not twitch.

blogging killed the journal

2009-06-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

mercury isn't supposed to be in retrograde anymore.

i missed my bus from ohio to minneapolis due to an accident on the highway. my parents actually drove me to indianapolis so i could catch the bus there. it was a nightmare, plus extra dollars to change my ticket. and pouring down cold rain.

i made it eventually. it was exhausting in a completely different way than ohio. a lot of things look the same, but they aren't. when i'm there i feel so conflicted and only half there. but i saw people i love, and i needed that. i went to a lot of places that make me nostalgic and to a lot of new places. and tried a lot of new drinks. namely free tibet punch and the pickled dragon.

yesterday i went to the airport to fly back to seattle. when i attempted to check in, i realized i had missed my flight. by 24 hours. oops. at that point i was already ridiculously beat (maybe it was the full moon, but i felt everything x100 the entire week) and ready to get on that g.d. plane and sleep in my bed.

instead, i waited in line for an hour, bought a new ticket for $150, and lugged my shit out to the curb to wait for a ride. i returned with a lot more than i left with. i reclaimed my box of memories that has been living at my professor's house for the past year. two quilts made by grandma, a box of photographs, my undergrad research papers, and 10 years worth of journals.

10 years worth of journals. it was a heavy box.

so i went back to the city, undid all the goodbyes, said goodbye again, couldn't sleep, then boarded a 7:15am flight.

i can't remember ever feeling this drained. i have nothing in me.

now off to work.

the rest is for my neglected, lonely journal.

storm

2009-06-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

last night claudia and i rode bikes in a real thunderstorm.

a real thunderstorm.

to the east, the sky was nearly black and lightning just filled the sky over the fields. to the west, the sunset over the fields.

someone drove past in a pick-up and offered us a ride, which we declined.

we made it home just before the wind and heavy rain started. so we stood on the porch and watched.

still no lightning bug sightings.

tomorrow i leave ohio.

dj glowstick

2009-05-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

weddings. are. so. freaking. gendered.

all i really wanted was someone to make eye contact with across the room during the particularly painful moments.

there were glow sticks at the reception. at least there was that. and an open bar. can't forget the open bar that made reuniting with high school friends at least a tad more bearable...

i bonded with the ring bearer. he was about four years old and told me stories about chickens and trees and golf carts.

on the way home we passed a farm with a zebra grazing in the field. honestly.

after a phat nap, my mom made me baked spaghetti with fake ground beef in it. they had friends over. friends with children. lots of conversation about where i go to church and who they should set me up with. *nervous laughter* but the five-year-old boy loved me. he said, and i quote, "can i see your moves again?", "i want to cuddle with you and watch cartoons," "can i spend the night here?", and "can i have more hugs and kisses before i leave?"

well, at least i'm a hit with the young men.

time warp.

2009-05-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

here i am. i don't have energy to write about how i feel (shame, for a cancer...), so i'm just going to share some nuggets of midwest/fugate household culture.

straight from the airport we drove an hour and a half to a chain restaurant called noodles & co. in some depressing-as-hell suburb of columbus because this kid i graduated with who is both creepy and weird works there and my dad is obsessed with creepy/weird kid and wishes he was his son. he was way more excited to see this guy than he was to see me. so an hour and a half fresh off the plane i'm sitting in an overly air-conditioned fast food noodle restaurant, holding hands with shane and my sister while my dad prays over our penne (may it nourish our bodies and our souls).

the way home was flat flat flat...field after field, amish buggy after amish buggy. it's kind of beautiful, actually. the wide open spaces. you can see it raining miles away, which is amazing if you've never seen that. we didn't talk much. my dad just fussed over his damn gps and muttered at the woman in that little box giving him directions. he was mad because he knewn a better way. gps should know the best way. (why do you need gps if you already know the best way?). every once in a while we'd drive past a farm and someone would say: "oh becca, you remember joe-bob. you know, mary-anne's brother? he graduated a year after you? he moved to that house right there with his new wife. he's working at the bank now, but he's joining the army soon."

and that's pretty much all i've done. aside from eating at this fantastic all-you-can-eat buffet with mediocre/low quality food. mostly meat dishes. but i love me a salad bar.

there are some good things. i've gone to the giant salvation army thrift store. and to the drive in. my mom's been pretty nice. and my little sister is so grown up and funny and smart. as long as i can tune out my dad's assholishness, it's not so bad.

the nativity collection in my house:

jesus is everywhere.

the mannequin, sheila.

and finally, a gem from salvation army.

i made bill cosby laugh

2009-05-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

in my dream last night. he was standing behind me in line at the post office and i said something funny. something very funny.

today is the 1 year anniversary of my blog! happy birthday, blog! which means i should probably be writing something spectacular and profound.

...

um...

...

the usual struggle between fear and love

2009-05-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

last night i was so happy to be a smoker, just so i could give this woman a cigarette in exchange for some wisdom and perspective.

when she asked me to bum one, she said she hadn't smoked in a year. she had her son three months ago and this was her first time going out since. i don't know what it was that struck me. maybe because she was so aware of how insane and miraculous it is to grow, birth, and raise a miniature human being. or because she was such an odd combination of amazed and terrified and exhausted and determined to maintain a sense of self at the same time. maybe it was just the honesty of the situation. or that our lives are so drastically different because of one factor, but there we were standing together at this strange intersection of our lives, made possible by bali shag and the crescent's sunday night karaoke.

i certainly don't want to have a baby. it just felt strangely moving to hear about such genuine, chaotic love. it made me want give her my number and offer to babysit anytime, so she could keep going out and drinking beer and dancing with her friends occasionally, but i didn't want to be a creeper. maybe i should have been.

i don't think i'm doing a very good job saying what i'm trying to say. that's okay.

my cat's new food is giving him diarrhea.

someday i would like to give tours of caves. i think i would be an excellent cave tour guide.

ohio countdown: 8 days.

hairnets, hairnets everywhere

2009-05-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

"my life is surreal" highlights for week of may 10:

1. 25 adults running loose after hours in a chocolate factory. climbing up ladders, crossing the yellow and black line, catching fresh chocolate flake in their hands. it falls like snow from the refiner in big, fluffy flakes. a chocolate blizzard.

2. drinking free beer on the knuckles of a giant troll with a bunch of bike bros.

3. willingly allowing a madagascar hissing cockroach to crawl all over me because. i think it's neat.

right now my hair is too long, my attention span is too short, my favorite animal is a wandering albatross, and i want a lightning bug tattoo behind my left ear.

what!? i iz reading the newz!

2009-05-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

ba-bun-dred

2009-05-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

shall i keep adding to the MIR (merc in retro) list? okay.

-mom accidentally scheduled her vacation for the week before i come home instead of the week i actually am home
-my loan company called my whole family trying to track me down because the bill they sent me was returned from the post office with a note that said i was unlisted
-my bus was forty five minutes late the other day

cloud cult made me feel like my soul was bursting. it hurt and it felt good. i didn't cry, but i could have if i were a person who ever cried to begin with.

lately i've been daydreaming about the next big change in my life. it comes in these random pangs. i'll be walking down the street and think about all of my friends and i relocating to the caribbean, like a babysitter's club super special. or yesterday a customer came in and started talking about his non-profit in south africa and how they probably need people to work for them soon. and i just imagined. or when ben and larissa were cutting their hair i thought about how maybe now is the right time to shave my head.

last night i dreamed i got this big tree tattoo. really simple lines all down my arm. in the dream i loved it so, so much. i looked for it online today, but it doesn't exist.

a customer came up to the register and said, "i'll have a dark marshmallow big daddy. because that's what i am." um...i felt embarrassed for him.

i love my friends and birthday dinners and watching sarah haskins until we can't keep our eyes open and the $2.35 we made busking on the ave and the protest song that will inspire generations to come.

collard mercs

2009-05-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

i have started keeping track of things i attribute to mercury being in retrograde. so far they are:

-losing my keys at work
-losing my spare bike key
-my bus being 21 minutes late
-losing my library book so severely that spl is threatening to send me to collections
-relentless automated phone calls re: my vehicle's factory warranty
-the button on my jeans actually broke. it did not pop off. it just broke in half. while i was peeing.

granted, all of these things happen to me frequently anyway. and granted, this whole retrograde business isn't supposed to start until tomorrow morning. but still. i am preparing for the worst. i imagine it's going to involve a lot of communication break downs and relationship processing and me being late for work. fuck friday the 13th. it's nothing. i'm staying in bed until may 30th.

and, as if that weren't enough planetary action to make turn me into grumpy grumpkins, there is a full moon saturday. i'm in a love/hate relationship with my blood and the lunar cycle. i think i ovulated last week, which perhaps will put me on the right track for once. or it could be all in my head. i'm growing increasingly irritable by the minute.

this calls for shitty bar food, touchy porn, and shamelessly eating my weight in pearl jasmine confections.

on the way home from aforementioned activities, liz t and i walked by the fusion ultra lounge, the swanky club that shares a wall with the divey sketch-bar blue moon. they have the dress code posted on the window that includes such things as: "clean shoes. no solid color shirts. tight fitting clothes. collard shirts." collard shirts, eh? so i and my dress code violating ass decided to pop in and inform the management of the spelling error. some server came out to investigate and just looked perplexed. says liz, "it says collard. not collared. like collard greens! which really doesn't mean a lot when it comes to shirts!"

true. it doesn't mean a lot when it comes to shirts. give me the blue moon any day.

going to bed to hide out. see you in 23 days.

p.s. eek! i just realized i will be flying on an airplane during this chaos. a terrible idea. a terrible. idea.

all nighter

2009-05-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

the only evidence that this weekend really happened:

1. the dead raccoon we stopped to pick up on the way home

2. the nebula bruise on my bum from falling down the front porch steps

things that did not happen this weekend:

chicken coop building. *sigh* shana and i realize we have no building skillz. we did measure our yard, so that's progress...

big head

2009-04-30T22:52:00.000-07:00

i thought i would have more time to write tonight. i have time. i don't have energy. my brain is made of mashed potatoes.
here is a may day photo. me two years ago:

ah, changes.
in new york we all said we feel like we've changed so much since 2006. i told them i've changed a lot, but they all seem the same to me. with different scenery, different characters. they are still there. they laughed and told me i am the same. i was shocked! but damn does it feel good to feel known. and to be reminded that i was still me inside, even under that papier mache crane head.

three damn nights.

2009-04-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

there is too much to say and only ten minutes to say it.
red schwinn is back in action, ready to take me on summer biking adventures. it was a joyful reunion indeed.
i'll have to write about this weekend's real joyful reunion later. summary: i am overwhelmed with love, i hope i wasn't the one to bring swine flu to seattle, and it's nice to be back in a place where i'm not frowned upon for walking slowly. i really really enjoy walking slowly.
last night i taught a man who dropped his false teeth on my arm just one wednesday ago how to do a jazz square.
this morning oliver got stuck in a tote bag handle and tried to look proud while i laughed at him and took pictures.
there is nothing i would change about my life right now.

loving you is easy

2009-04-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

dear world,

it's spring. i'm all giggly. i have a crush on everyone. i just can't help it. uh oh...

love,
becca

leaving for nyc tomorrow for a reunion with osisi wami, where a piece of my soul that never feels rested will finally be able to rest for a few days...then i'll be back to seattle spring. longer days, shorter attention span, back to hooping and chickens and potlucks and a klezmer band and lying in the grass and being hopelessly in love with everyone...

unrelated, if you haven't read this article from the feministing weekly reader, it's pretty worthwhile. from now on, will save my energy and just direct people to this posting when they want to debate.

okay back to being in love...i met the cutest scorpio today. so giddy, tehe...

life's maximum generosity

2009-04-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

hardwick's swap shop is an amazing local hardware store that's filled wall to wall with useful and non-useful junk. they have employees named loyd who wear suspenders and flannel shirts and huge beards and sell t-shirts that say things like "i got hammered at hardwick's."

things i have purchased from hardwick's:

-wire mesh to make my papier mache hermit crab shell for my halloween costume
-an oven mitt for the hermit crab claw
-hula hoop connectors and tape
-a saw on which to make music
-mason jars
-an empty wire reel for 50 cents on which to hang my hula hoops
-a flask

nothing for its intended purpose except the flask, which was in the impulse buy section by the register, between the inspection mirrors and shimming wedges. a $4.50 impulse buy while we waited in line for the people ahead of us to buy muffin tins.

summer is getting closer and people are getting crazier. it's a blur of hula hooping and cherry blossoms and college kids and karaoke and a late night picnics by the canal and awkward birthdays and thinking about how i can sleep another time in life...now is the time to be tired.

i know i'm writing about this shit a lot, but my free will horoscope was amazing this week:

What I'd really like to see you do in the coming weeks is party harder and party smarter than usual. In my astrological opinion, you're most likely to attract life's maximum generosity by shedding some of your social inhibitions and cultivating the pleasures of free-form networking. Believe me, I know how important it is for you to maintain the kind of strict boundaries that protect you from being overly influenced by other people. It's what keeps you in close touch with your intuition. But for the foreseeable future, I think you'll thrive on the unexpected blessings that come from giving yourself to the intelligence of the crowd.

ha! this is a bit late. i don't think i can party any harder than i have been and i've had enough "unexpected blessings" to hold me over for a while...

meet george jetson.

2009-04-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

last night i was walking home over the 45th street bridge, crossing the street where cars exit I-5 and people stand holding cardboard signs, hoping for money from drivers as they wait for the light to change. there were no cars, just me walking. this man approached me with his sign that said "aggressive beggar." i recognized him. when i was waiting for the bus on easter, he was drunk and telling me how he thinks of the jetson's theme song every time he walks across the bridge and sees the space needle.

"sorry, i've got nothing." i didn't have anything i could give him. no food, no money, i meant. he walked beside me and rolled his eyes, "you've got nothing! hah! you've got nothing!" i thought the point was to make me reconsider the meaning of those words, to think about how false they are. and they are. but that's not what he meant.

he looked me up and down. and up and down. and up and down again. and said it once more. "hah, you've got nothing. yeah right. let me show you what these kids gave me." as we walked he pulled a magazine out of his bag and opened the pages in front of my face. naked women. naked women which huge breasts, naked women touching their vaginas. and he said it again, "and you've got nothing." "i don't want to look at that," i said. "don't be offended. these kids gave it to me." "well, i am offended." "well you shouldn't be. look!" he flashed the magazine in front of my face again. this blonde woman with red fingernails and a vacant look in her eyes. i said goodnight and kept walking and he yelled at me until i got to the next light and the sound of his voice was drowned out by the sound of the freeway (which i've accidentally been pretending is the sound of the ocean lately).

it's funny because right before that i had been thinking of my little sister. about how she'll be the only redeeming part of my trip home. i was thinking about how the last time i saw her she was 11 and now she's 13 with boobs and a cell phone and photos of herself wearing giant sunglasses on myspace (which says she's 19 and from idaho...). and about that time we were talking on the phone and she told me she was going to get her belly button pierced because now she's "skinny enough." and about how for graduation she jokingly gave me a razor because she thinks it's super gross that i don't shave my legs. and i was actually getting hopeful that maybe she's old enough to understand that i'm not gross and maybe mature enough to understand that you can love yourself even if you're not skinny if i presented it in the right way...and i was getting sad because she probably doesn't hear those things enough. she doesn't. i didn't and maybe i've failed as a big sister for not saying them enough. anyway, here i was scheming about how to turn my little sister into a feminist in seven days and brainstorming about how to not scare her and push her further into the depths of small-town ohio culture and conservative evangelical christian ideals when this man approached me and shoved fucking porn into my face.

and of course i felt angry. his eyes staring at my body through layers and layers of clothes somehow made me feel ashamed of what was under them because i've felt ashamed of what was under them for years and years and years. and if that single interaction could instantly bring all of these insecurities to the surface in me, what if that had been my little sister?

not fair not fair not fair not fair.

moon blood

2009-04-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

Full Moon Menstruation

The full moon is vitality: time to work changes, to make decisions, to show one's power, to bring something into being, to work politically. Noontime heat spreads in waves across the sky, fiery energy at its peak, streaming power evoking earthly blooms.

The energy of full moon menstruation is outward, world-nourishing. You have to be a real bundle of energy to be happy and satisfied with your work under this charged condition. Feasts and celebrations go well with full moon bleeding. During this time, the most powerful magic can be worked and influence exerted. The volcano already pours forth; the ire need only be controlled and directed. Now is the time to learn to transform energy: turn rage into creative action, belly cramps into sensuousness. -http://www.drakenenergie.nl/moontime.htm

...yup. sounds about right.

does anyone know anyone who will teach me to read natal astrological charts in exchange for a hula hoop or chocolate or saw lessons or a hug? this would be a perfect situation for the timebank. last week, i thought that our idea had already been done locally at dibspace.com, but it seems set up for people with small businesses who trade professional skillz...timebank is for everyone and values skillz that aren't traditionally valued.

so many projects, so little time...

he is risen indeed.

2009-04-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

actual text from dad: happy easter. has the sun come up where you are yet? how about the son?

ah, good one dad. very clever.

i'm celebrating the rising of our lord and savior by eating delicious food. then napping until it's time to feed again. my festiveness peaked when i ate a bite of ben's marshmallow peep pizza. it was predictably disgusting. i hope i never find out what peeps are made of. i successfully set up a chocolate barter account with the pizza store though.

there is so much more to say, but it will have to wait. i have a very important nap date with oliver. i swear he gets a little bit cuter every day. no, every time i look at him. i don't mean to keep taking pictures of him, but when he breaks his previous cute record, it needs to be documented. soon i'll have enough for a calendar. maybe a lolcatz calendar. of all oliver. i'll make cookies for whoever and come up with the best lolcatz captions for the latest.

here's one more thing to think about, then i will leave you to celebrate the empty tomb:

philoso-fickle

2009-04-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is a libra full moon. i'm not completely sure what that means, but it probably explains a lot. it probably explains why when i got on the bus, the driver said, "you're a modern woman!" and it explains why mark wanted to bask in my aura and why liz and i woke up on sunday morning and decided to get fish tattoos and why i decided to start wearing thongs and dumpster diving turned into a night of debauchery and people at kate's want to talk to me about being gay and asha re-emerged from her annual hibernation for a bit.

and maybe that i'm about to menstruate. hopefully. with the moon.

joke's on me.

2009-04-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

funny:

also, these jokes!

not:

seattle weather gods.

sun nap

2009-03-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

not a lot to report.

shana and i are getting chickens in the city soon. thanks seattle free school! we are also quite busy with wahoooolahoops and our new business idea: creating a seattle timebank. there is much to be done.

oliver is sitting on my arms as i type, making it rather challenging to type, but so worth it. seriously. everything he does is cuter than the thing he did before.

the only other thing i have is this, from feministing:

indeed.

six mamas

2009-03-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

guess how i woke up this morning? guess!....if you said, "an adorable 'lil kitty peeked his adorable 'lil head in your door and let out an adorable 'lil 'meow'", you'd be correct. any other guesses: wrong.

so here he is, the third cat of my lifetime. also the third orange tabby in my life, following amanda miss kitty and halexander the great (aka hal). rip. and now, world, i proudly present *v. long trumpet fanfare*......oliver t. cat:

he's lurking around curiously now...i want him to love me and sleep with me. taking it slowly...

in other news, dobs came to visit last week. it was as if we'd never been apart. we frolicked around the city and got spontaneous tattoos! lunar eclipse:

hmm. i'm thinking i should probably put oliver's litter box in a more private place. i just watched him poop again and he turns his back to the people in the room and kind of buries his face shamefully in the fireplace. and i, proud new mother, am thinking how adorable it is and what a good 'lil pooper he is and awwww, look how he buries it when he's done even that's cute everything you do it hopelessly cute...

and because i just figured out how to email myself pictures from my cell phone about ten minutes ago, here's another random photo for your enjoyment.

an oil drip i saw in the parking lot months ago. beautiful, tragic.

hey, baby

2009-03-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

oh blog. you poor, neglected old thing.

first of all, this got me real fired up. so the idea is that you see a john solicit a prostitute, you go to this here website, and their pictures are posted for the world to see. many strong feelings. one: this is all happening in my old neighborhood in south minneapolis, where one could be solicited wearing layers and layers of winter clothes.

seriously. so my senior year was dedicated to studying prostitution and restorative justice in my neighborhood. there's some fucked up shit going on. they used to do this same thing with prostitutes, putting their pictures and bios online for all to see. and some local community organizations already posted pics of johns even before this billboard campaign...they are only supposed to be up for a few months, but when i was researching this for my project, i found photos up from years ago...

i have really mixed feelings about everything, but whether or not these men should be publicly shamed, it doesn't stop keep them from lurking around and picking up street prostitutes. it doesn't. it's a revolving door.

so i volunteered for this community restorative justice program, MCRJ. i also have mixed feeling about this. the women who runs it is super rad and the concept behind the program is that johns can opt to go attend the panel and instead of jail time/fines/pictures up on the internet, they do community service in the community where they offended, go through an education program, receive counseling, build a support system, etc. most people who have gone through the program don't repeat offend after a year, which is not the case for the traditional punitive system.

my mixed feelings come from concern for the women on the streets and the motivations of people who volunteer for the panel. this neighborhood in particular, which is one of the most diverse in the city, has become pretty gentrified in the past few years. of course most of the panel participants are white middle class folks whose main priority is to stop prostitution because they don't want prostitution in their neighborhood....if it moves somewhere else, that's fine. which means as the neighborhood becomes more monitored and the johns are pushed out, sex workers are going elsewhere for work. they're avoiding places with lots of police surveillance, trying to get the job done quick, with less time to negotiate safety and money, which usually means a more dangerous deal for them.

anyway, what do people think? i could ramble on and on and on if you want to discuss it further...

other things on the "i will blog about you when i have energy" list: visits from old friends, new ink, new cat, chickens in the city, possible new housemate, ferry carnivals, a circus, and a house blog. whew.

just think of lovely things

2009-03-09T13:05:00.000-07:00

sigh.

i decided to end my cleanse early. because it felt done and empty and pointless finally. continuing for the sake of continuing felt unnatural.

i never felt physically different, but it made me think more about being intentional, thinking before i act, how much money i spend on happy hour, and how many things are just in my head. and i'm sure my liver, kidneys, and lungs thank me (you're welcome, organs).

i just took my first yoga class in two years, which kicked my ass in the most wonderful way.

i bought plane tickets for my midwest vacation in may. i'm terrified to go home. i'm pretty sure that everyone is exactly the same as they were in high school. a six-year time freeze. and i'm a completely different person. a better person than i was, in my opinion, but ohio is not the most welcoming place for hairy legs and liberal politics.

i'm doing so many things. i feel great. and exhausted.

to be autotrophic

2009-03-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

would take more than just drinking liquid chlorophyll, it seems. adrian gave me a glass of it. it tasted like an emerald. i sat directly in the sun on my break and concentrated as hard as i could, but i was still hungry.

but this man hasn't eaten in 70 years. he is free.

i'm no yogi, but i've maintained my cleanse for 20 days. so i'm getting there slowly.

pleasure slave

2009-02-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

i actually have a callous on my right index finger from breaking up chocolate.

i remembered my dream when i woke up this morning. it was important. i've forgetten it already. according to the dream detective, whatever message my subconcious was trying to deliver, it will continue to manifest itself in different dreams until i've processed it sufficiently. so i'm not too worried.

i had to get off my bike to go around a bus that was blocking the entire lane yesterday. as i walked it onto the sidewalk, i accidentally made eye contact with an attractive greenpeace canvasser. it can only go downhill from there. i was coming from shelter, so i was all fired up about lots of things, ready to engage, but not ready for his aggressiveness. it went something like:

"don't you want to help the environment today?"
*eye roll* "i am, i'm riding my bike"
"that's a good first step. now join greenpeace!"
"um. aren't you a bunch of crazy hippies? no thanks."
"no, we're actually really awesome. so we need you to join so obama will care about all these issues. we're trying to get billions of people so he'll listen!"
"why do i have to join greenpeace to do that? why don't you have people from all sorts of different organizations come together and work on these issues. obama loves that shit."
"yeah he does, but you should join."
"mmm, i don't know enough about greenpeace to commit to that."
"ask me anything."
"you're biased. i would have to do some thorough research on my own time."
"but we need you to sign up today! or the world will die!"
"i don't half-ass things. if i sign up, it would be halfheartedly and i would start resenting you everytime i got shit in the mail. if you want me to care, you have to let me go."
"i'd rather have your half-hearted committment today than you're full-hearted committment later."
"what! don't say that, that's why people do stupid shit, because they don't think things through."
"i promise you. sign today, and your heart will fill up with joy later!"
"no it won't. it will take a lot more than joining greenpeace to fill this heart with joy. look mike, i'll tell you what. i promise to look into greenpeace if you promise to go to the feministing.com and educate yourself on anti-choice legislation that's currently on the table."
"um, okay....butyoushouldstillsignupnow!"
"bye mike. we're done now."

something like that anyway.

and then i went home and suddenly remembered that i'm in love with someone and spent two hours unsuccessfully attempting to stalk them on the internets. it was so sad. then there was music and laughing and reading aloud from trashy romance novels and saying "goodnight" instead of "goodbye" and listening to the voices of people i love being too loud as i was trying to sleep, but i wanted it to be like that.

moment

2009-02-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

day 12. it's harder than you think...or maybe you already think it's hard. anyway, it is.

today was long. i brought home sipping chocolate for my housemates in an old margarine container.i wanted to warm it up for them on the stove and bring it out in little steaming mugs and sit around the fireplace. the lid fell off the container and it leaked in my backpack. when i made it to my house, no one was around. some days i come home and wish no one was around and everyone's home, then the days i wish everyone was home, nobody is.

one of my wisdom teeth is starting to poke through. i only have 1/2 a wisdom tooth so far. it stopped growing after a while. and now this one. it's on the top, on the same side as the other. poke poke poke.

i brought a bag of chocolate with me to the soup house where i eat lunch. i gave it to the beautiful girl with the long, long black dreads at the cash register. she looked adorably delighted and gave me my soup for free. i watched out of the corner of my eye while all of employees dug through the bag and giggled. they came to my table and thanked me and i hope it's the beginning of a dependable trade.

i finished my book just now and it made me feel lonely and jealous. valencia by michelle tea. lonely because she's not talking to me anymore. because her voice is in a book and it's over now and i've been listening to her voice for a week. jealous because i'm not michelle tea.

last night my super-talented housemate sara performed her poetry:

all of these things make me wish i could write.

our last sunny day for a while

2009-02-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

according to weather.com, at least. two websites i should never trust, but always do: the weather channel and webmd symptom checker. i really need to quit them...

speaking of quitting, this is day 8 of my month-long cleanse (please take this opportunity to congratulate me on an entire week of self-control by leaving a supportive comment below. thanks.): no alcohol, no smoking, no sugar (fruit excepted). i also went to the hippieherbnaturopath store yesterday and a very nice employee helped me choose a cleansing tea that i spent many hours preparing. sara says it has the same herbs in it used in diy abortions, but so far i've found no google evidence to support this. anyway, i just had my first cup. we'll see!

yesterday i was about to tie a ribbon around some woman's 6-piece confection box and she said, "oh, and it's for our son. so can you choose a masculine color." i looked at her with a puzzled expression. "um, sorry, i don't know what you mean." she's like, "you know. just anything but pink." i continued to look confused. "oh? i guess i didn't think that pink wasn't a masculine color. huh." she looked at me like i was an idiot. ha. i wonder what makes a woman who thinks pink is feminine also think that ribbon can be masculine to begin with. i should be wrapping her sons box with...god, i don't know. snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. or something.

from the space. be my friend.

2009-02-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

yes. that's all. just...yes. why didn't i know sooner? (thanks, amy).

dear powers that be,

2009-02-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

please answer the following questions:

why, as my friend bridget jones says so eloquently, is it the truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces?
why does pasteurized milk heat so slowly?
what if i have poor man's gout in my right knee?
are my library book going to be overdue again?
can men sexually assault women while they're sleep walking???
will you send some more of that insta-good-karma my way?

oh what fools these mortals be,
becca

dear other readers,

on monday, shana and i made cheese. feministing gave a shout-out to the midwest. this week men have been wandering into the chocolate store in record numbers with awkward looks on their faces, grabbing things with pink ribbons on them by the handfuls. fools. well, it's going to be a helluva weekend. wish me luck.

love,
becca

barack obama

2009-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

and i were both born in the year of the ox.

it is the year of the ox.

that's why we're both having such good years so far.

i love this woman.

2009-02-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

that's right. my housemate is a celebrity.

if you're on the slog and they say you're sexy, you've made it.

yay, amy!

i am woman

2009-02-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

and i'm happy about that...it just hurts a little sometimes.

list

2009-01-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

to do today:

-sleep through first (and probably last) earthquake
-miraculously repair a 15-year-old's mountain bike
-hold three-day-old human being

done, done, and done.

shoulder morals

2009-01-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

last week i was biking to work. i saw one of those six-pack plastic ring thingys on the sidewalk, just waiting to choke a bird. my shoulder angel and demon popped up on their respective shoulders.

shoulder angel: becca, stop. pick that up and rip it apart.
should demon: you're already late for work.
s.a.: choking birds.
s.d.: you'd have to get off your bike, then get back on your bike...
s.a.: choking birds! don't be a lazyass!
me: gahhh! i'm late for work, i'll pick it up on my way home...if it's still there...if i remember...blast, i wish i had never seen that plastic ring thingy.

and i secretly knew i was going to forget on the way home. and i did.

and then i had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week that included: work drama, missing deadlines, losing keys, people drama, collections, and a terrible sickness. and probably a dead bird somewhere.

and then the other day i was walking down the sidewalk and, lo and behold! the same plastic ring thingy! in the same spot, right where i left it. i picked that shit up and ripped every ring before throwing it away.

when i go home, my boss emailed me that she had found my keys.

just waiting for the rest of the goodies to roll in...

*sigh*

oh life, sometimes i wish you worked like this for real. usually i'm glad you don't. sometimes i'm really mad when you don't. or when you do. i'm always sad when birds get strangled.